Friday, January 9, 2009

Because "People You May Know" sounds nicer than "People You Don't Like"

Sorry King, but I'm jonesing for a Whopper and well, you just didnt make the cut. If I can be honest for a minute... it was the jersey.

This week has already produced a couple of mash-ups of some of Schiff Happens' favorite things in this world, but the latest such combination might also be the greatest.
First, Schiff Happens' dual loves of New Jersey and fitted fashion meet in beautiful, color-coordinated harmony. Then, hip hop meets cartoons (with a little dash of Carlton Dance for good measure). Now, there's this just in from the makers of everyone's favorite eau de beef: Burger King's "Whopper Sacrifice" facebook application, which combines my love of flame-broiled BK perfection with my passion for constantly trimming the proverbial fat from the old facebook friends list. Eliminating already-borderline-acquaintances-at-best from your virtual neighborhood, plus a free Whopper? These are a few of my favorite things...

Update: Sadly, there seem to be a few bugs in the Whopper Sacrifice system. I can only assume this is due to massive traffic, because really, who wants all those friends? Let's be honest here, questionable facebook friend. We've been keeping you around all this time because we'd just feel bad if you ever found out that you got the ax. It's just, well, up until now nobody offered us a Whopper in exchange for your feelings. We may have grudgingly accepted your friend request, but as soon as BK works out the kinks, you're as good as french fried. That's called having it your way, sucker. Now get back there and get me a WHOPPER!

Update #2: I was able to get this thing up and running and was having so much fun watching familiar facebook pics of people I don't even know literally go up in flames at the altar of the (Burger) King, that I decided to fully go through with it and claim my Whopper prize as today's lunch. Sadly, the fun of my Whopper Sacrifice came screeching to a halt once I axed friend #10, as I was asked to fill out a form and then told that my free Whopper coupon would be mailed to me...within 2-4 weeks! I'm more than a little bummed out at the moment, but I have a feeling I'll be excited a month from now when I've forgotten all about this and that envelope shows up holding my golden ticket to The King's domain.

Asher Roth "Apparently Jack Bauer" [White MCs Building Street Cred]

MTV "MC To Watch in 2009" and Weezer agitator Asher Roth can now officially add Vigilante Counter-Terrorist Agent to his resume, sort of. Schiff Happens' favorite up-and-coming white Jewish MC was involved in an incident on a Delta Airlines flight bound for Los Angeles from Atlanta Wednesday. As the plane prepared to land, a man aboard Delta Airlines Flight 110 shoved a male flight attendant and attempted to open a rear emergency exit while shouting that he had a bomb.

Early reports had Roth and his posse going all Jack Bauer on the guy. Quoth
The man "lunged for one of the doors" once the flight had landed, but according to Roth's rep, the MC's guitarist, Chris Llewellyn, was the first to tackle the man, and Roth and other fellow passengers joined in. Crew members then bound the man with plastic ties, according to the AP. Llewellyn remained behind to talk to the FBI, his rep said, while Roth rushed to make his call time for his appearance on "Last Call With Carson Daly."
Dude busts up a terrorist and is still punctual. Now that's gangsta. Of course, the next day someone realized that white Jewish rappers from the suburbs don't just going around tackling criminals, and the earlier reports of Roth's budding street cred proved to be slight exaggerations. Turns out he didn't participate at all in the incident, but he still made it to Carson Daly on time, damn it. He was also more than gracious in his praise of Llewellyn, who he called a "hero" for his ability to tackle would-be airplane bombers and rip sweet solos in the same day. More from
Roth's management released a statement late Wednesday evening to clarify what happened. "Chris Llewellyn was the real-deal tackler of the person crying bomb on flight 110 yesterday, and they and Asher want to give him his full hero due. Asher is thankful and proud of Chris' bravery and hopes Delta gives him free flights for life!"
Free flights for life is all fine and good, but you can't put a price on being a crime-stopping badass. I like to think that I'd be one of those people who helped subdue this assclown, who, oh by the way, didn't have a bomb (shocking). Way to do the right thing, people.

More Asher on SH: New Year, New Emcees

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Suck It Philly: Move there if you hate your life edition

It's really no wonder why Philly fans worship this guy.
Hey Andy, put down the fork...FACE!

They've been called the fattest and the ugliest city, with one faithful commenter lamenting just how awful it is to be a woman in the talent-depleted city of Philadelphia. Turns out Philly is a pretty miserable place for the guys, too, although the city of ever lowering standards can hold its head high in 2009, having narrowly avoided the bottom ten of Men's Health's 8th annual survey of best and worst American cities for men with a solid 88th place ranking (check the interactive map to see how much better it is to be a guy in your town).

The survey took into account 30 different factors, first looking at health data for illnesses like heart disease and diabetes. Next, "quality-of-life" attributes such as air quality, crime rates and job growth were added to the mix. Finally, all different forms of fitness were considered.

The result? A great place to live if you're a guy who doesn't necessarily enjoy, you know, living. Just do us a favor and go somewhere far away when you decide life is too precious to continue spending your days eating cheesesteaks and flipping shit over. I hear Madison, WI (the survey's top-rated city for dudes) is lovely this time of year.

These guys should be the first to go. The saddest thing about this is that it was probably not intended as a joke.

It's (almost, ok not really but pretty much) official!

Half of Cartman's doomsday scenario seems more and more likely to be a go, as reports of Phish's reunion tour dates continue to pop up around the intertubes (if not yet on the band's official web site). See dates listed below, this from Rolling Stone:
Those with keen eyes will notice a bit of a gap between the Asheville show on June 9th and the St. Louis show on June 16th. Is it any coincidence that this year’s Bonnaroo will take place June 11th through 14th, in the town of Manchester, Tennessee which is conveniently situated between Asheville and St. Louis? Despite sources telling Rock Daily Phish will appear at the fest, no official ‘Roo announcements have been made — the initial lineup will be revealed February 3rd — but it’s looking like a safe bet that Phish will be headlining two nights of the festival.
NICE! Once The Boss is officially on board (disclaimer: nothing's official until that February 3 announcement), I will be as well. Who wants to get in on the RV?

Reported Phish tour dates thus far (I would expect more to follow):
March 6-8 – Hampton, Virginia @ Hampton Coliseum
June 4-5 - Wantagh, NY @ Jones Beach

June 6 – Mansfield, MA @ Great Woods Amphitheatre (Comcast Center)

June 7 – Camden, NJ

June 9 – Asheville, NC

June 16 – St. Louis, MO

June 18 – Burgettstown, PA

June 19 – Noblesville, IN

June 20-21 – East Troy, WI

Phish Reunion Tour Takes Shape [Rolling Stone]

New Year, New Emcees

In an attempt to bring music back to their music television network, MTV News has produced a profile of several up-and-coming hip hop artists to watch in 2009. In an attempt to bring more music back to this blog, I share said video with you. Features clips from videos, performances and interviews with B.o.B., Charles Hamilton, Asher Roth, Wale and Kid Cudi.

If ya didn't know: To all my people who don't wanna go to work [Friday Jams]
More tunes! aka where the F are my Friday Jams?

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Crank Dat Carlton Banks

Today started off with sweet fashion fitteds meeting the great republic of New Jersey. Now, even more of Schiff Happens' favorite things are being combined in beautiful fashion. This time: hip-hop and cartoons.

I'm pretty indifferent so Soulja Boy's music - I'm much more interested in seeing The Chad dressed as the teenage rapper for Halloween - and even less interested in his YouTube feud with Ice T, but kid's about to launch an online cartoon series and that means I'm at least paying attention. The inclusion of Alfonso "Yes, yes I was in Silver Spoons" Ribeiro in the first video, which serves as the show's theme song, puts it over the top. A perfect choice, given that the tune is every bit as catchy, if not moreso, than the theme song of Alfonso's most famous other show. Plus, he even does a modified version of the Carlton Dance! I have to admit I'm excited to see him in the next episode. []

Schiff Happens: Uni Watch Edition

I have said many times that if I had unlimited funds I'd have a walk-in closet half a mile long specifically devoted to sneakers and fitted hats (there would definitely be some jerseys in there as well). I've also said more than a few times, often with loud, colorful language to match the apparel I so adore, that I love the great Garden State of New Jersey. Sooner or later, these passions had to cross paths, and this morning they finally did when I stumbled on this absolute treasure trove at after peeping the latest from Uni Watch.

Just look at all this great stuff! Four full pages solely devoted to New Jersey apparel? That's unheard of. Bright colors, creative patterns, inventive logos - everything I love about fitteds, and all NJ originals! I may not have those unlimited funds, but at least a portion of the funds I got will be dropped on some of this gear, I'll promise you that much.

And since just as many of you like to deride my Jersey pride as are actually from the Dirty Jers along with me, you should know that ECapCity has an enormous variety of sports (all the big pro leagues, plus college and the always awesome minor leagues), teams, colors, brands and styles from the mundane to the insane for who- what- or wherever you represent. Why do I feel like an enormous portion of my day is about to be wasted?

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Suck It Philly: Springsteen Edition

Yesterday we kicked off Iggle Indignity week, vowing to put those whiz-worshipping uglies in their place. Sunday's NFL Divisional Round divisional battle between the Iggs and the GGGGGMen is on Fox, but if it had been an NBC broadcast, we would have had the great pleasure of watching the defending champs lay a Sopranos-style Meadowlands beatdown to a classic Jersey soundtrack, courtesy of NBC's endless promos for this year's Bruce Springsteen Super Bowl XLIII Halftime Show. The Boss is living proof that true greatness is only achieved once you head north of the Philth on I-95. Less than a year removed from another acclaimed world tour with the unstoppable E Street Band, Bruce has already announced big plans for '09, including a headlining gig at Glastonbury (and potentially Bonnaroo as you'll recall), a Wal-Mart exclusive greatest hits compilation set for release January 13, and a studio follow-up to 2007's Magic due out January 27.

NBC has already used the upcoming album's title track, "Working on a Dream," in its NFL promos, and both of the bonus tracks, "A Night With the Jersey Devil" and the Golden Globe-nomnated "The Wrestler," have already been released as well. In addition to downloading the title track and "The Wrestler" on iTunes, you can check out two video clips for "My Lucky Day" and "Life Itself," the latter of which can be downloaded for free on Amazon (links courtesty of Stereogum, both vids are embedded below). What's not to love about Springsteen back in the studio and likely prepping another tour once the nice weather rolls around? The Boss: Just one more reason we're better than Philly.

Which brings me to possibly the most important Springsteen-related nugget available today: The Super Bowl halftime show needs YOU! Just get ten of your closest friends together, submit to a criminal background check and take a week off from work to go down to Tampa for a bunch of mandatory rehearsals. It's that simple, and you're in the building, rockin' out at halftime in front of millions with The Boss, The Big Man, Little Steven and the Mighty Max Weinberg. Of course, you don't get tickets to the game, nor do you even get to be near the building for anything other than halftime, but I'll be damned if that crowd isn't the most fist-pumpinest, authentic Jersey crew ever assembled this side of Exit 16W. That's right, I'm making the pitch. All I have to ask is, who's comin with me? Philly fans, of course, need not apply.

"My Lucky Day"

"Life Itself"

Monday, January 5, 2009

Okay, NOW 2009 can start

Since I was blacked out for the better part of the start of 2009, I missed the official end of 2008: Skillz's annual year-end Rap Up. So here it is, straight out of the big V-A, hitting on all the important news of the year that was, from Kanye's singing voice to shoe-throwing Iraqis, and oh yea, that whole election thing. Loyal readers, your new year may now commence. [Nah Right]

Most FAILuable Player

It's not all hateful here this Monday. I'd like to take this time to congratulate Peyton Manning for once again leading the Colts to a glorious playoff vic- What's that you say? Eli's brother choked it up in the playoffs... again? Way to blow the Manning Bowl for everyone, dude. Archie's eldest has now failed to advance past the first round of the playoffs in 6 of his 9 attempts. Of course, as per usual, you will continue to see him every Sunday in his all-encompassing lineup of commercials. Thankfully for Peyton, he always has the Double Stuf Racing League to fall back on. And now he has extra time to practice! Clearly I was ridiculed when I questioned the selection of this perpetual choker as league MVP. But he has such heart, such determination, such passion. What a leader! Eli's brother, you FAIL.

Update: I feel like I need to state that I don't hate Peyton Manning or have any argument against his all-time status. I just feel like I need to balance the scales a little bit for all the love that he gets, when so often he fails to come up great when it matters more. Plus, at the end of the day, you can only fully embrace one QB from this family (if any), and we all know that young Elisha is my favorite Manning.

Back from the Blackout

And..... we're back!

Okay, so I went a little AWOL there for the last week or so, but I'm back to kick start the new year, and that's the important thing. I know some of you are saying, "Oh sure, anyone can come back strong after a week of hungover inactivity." Well this was hard for me, so BACK OFF!

To get things rolling again, I'll be attempting to get on here throughout the day and post some of the things that eluded me in my post-holidays New Year's haze. First things first, while shaking off the cobwebs this weekend, there was football! Aside from me going 3-for-4 with my Wild Card round picks, the most exciting thing to happen in the NFL this past weekend was that the matchups were set for next weekend's Divisional Round, aka the greatest playoff round in sports.

Of greatest relevance to Schiff Happens Universe is of course the rubber match between the Filthadelphia Fightin' Westbrooks and the mighty mighty Super Champs of the World, the New Jersey GGGGGGGGMEN. Each of these teams beat their division rival in their opponent's house during the regular season, but expect the GGGGGGGMEN to handle their Big Blue business and, taking a cue from my new favorite Boomer & Carton caller Incarcerated Bobby from Hoboken, do a tap dance all over ChunkySoup McNabb's head Sunday in the Meadowlands. Just look back at last year's playoff run and see what happened when teams tried to beat the Giants for a third time.

Clearly Schiff Happens is already feelin' kinda Sunday, so lets do something special and revel in Iggle Indignity all week long. Together, we can give the nation's ugliest city the proverbial "Suck It." I'll get things rolling here with some anti-Philly fun that everyone in the blue seats can appreciate, but please feel free to contribute. Yes We Can!