Suck It Philly: Move there if you hate your life edition

It's really no wonder why Philly fans worship this guy.
Hey Andy, put down the fork...FACE!

They've been called the fattest and the ugliest city, with one faithful commenter lamenting just how awful it is to be a woman in the talent-depleted city of Philadelphia. Turns out Philly is a pretty miserable place for the guys, too, although the city of ever lowering standards can hold its head high in 2009, having narrowly avoided the bottom ten of Men's Health's 8th annual survey of best and worst American cities for men with a solid 88th place ranking (check the interactive map to see how much better it is to be a guy in your town).

The survey took into account 30 different factors, first looking at health data for illnesses like heart disease and diabetes. Next, "quality-of-life" attributes such as air quality, crime rates and job growth were added to the mix. Finally, all different forms of fitness were considered.

The result? A great place to live if you're a guy who doesn't necessarily enjoy, you know, living. Just do us a favor and go somewhere far away when you decide life is too precious to continue spending your days eating cheesesteaks and flipping shit over. I hear Madison, WI (the survey's top-rated city for dudes) is lovely this time of year.

These guys should be the first to go. The saddest thing about this is that it was probably not intended as a joke.

Suck It Philly: Springsteen Edition

Yesterday we kicked off Iggle Indignity week, vowing to put those whiz-worshipping uglies in their place. Sunday's NFL Divisional Round divisional battle between the Iggs and the GGGGGMen is on Fox, but if it had been an NBC broadcast, we would have had the great pleasure of watching the defending champs lay a Sopranos-style Meadowlands beatdown to a classic Jersey soundtrack, courtesy of NBC's endless promos for this year's Bruce Springsteen Super Bowl XLIII Halftime Show. The Boss is living proof that true greatness is only achieved once you head north of the Philth on I-95. Less than a year removed from another acclaimed world tour with the unstoppable E Street Band, Bruce has already announced big plans for '09, including a headlining gig at Glastonbury (and potentially Bonnaroo as you'll recall), a Wal-Mart exclusive greatest hits compilation set for release January 13, and a studio follow-up to 2007's Magic due out January 27.

NBC has already used the upcoming album's title track, "Working on a Dream," in its NFL promos, and both of the bonus tracks, "A Night With the Jersey Devil" and the Golden Globe-nomnated "The Wrestler," have already been released as well. In addition to downloading the title track and "The Wrestler" on iTunes, you can check out two video clips for "My Lucky Day" and "Life Itself," the latter of which can be downloaded for free on Amazon (links courtesty of Stereogum, both vids are embedded below). What's not to love about Springsteen back in the studio and likely prepping another tour once the nice weather rolls around? The Boss: Just one more reason we're better than Philly.

Which brings me to possibly the most important Springsteen-related nugget available today: The Super Bowl halftime show needs YOU! Just get ten of your closest friends together, submit to a criminal background check and take a week off from work to go down to Tampa for a bunch of mandatory rehearsals. It's that simple, and you're in the building, rockin' out at halftime in front of millions with The Boss, The Big Man, Little Steven and the Mighty Max Weinberg. Of course, you don't get tickets to the game, nor do you even get to be near the building for anything other than halftime, but I'll be damned if that crowd isn't the most fist-pumpinest, authentic Jersey crew ever assembled this side of Exit 16W. That's right, I'm making the pitch. All I have to ask is, who's comin with me? Philly fans, of course, need not apply.

"My Lucky Day"


"Life Itself"

Back from the Blackout

And..... we're back!

Okay, so I went a little AWOL there for the last week or so, but I'm back to kick start the new year, and that's the important thing. I know some of you are saying, "Oh sure, anyone can come back strong after a week of hungover inactivity." Well this was hard for me, so BACK OFF!

To get things rolling again, I'll be attempting to get on here throughout the day and post some of the things that eluded me in my post-holidays New Year's haze. First things first, while shaking off the cobwebs this weekend, there was football! Aside from me going 3-for-4 with my Wild Card round picks, the most exciting thing to happen in the NFL this past weekend was that the matchups were set for next weekend's Divisional Round, aka the greatest playoff round in sports.


Of greatest relevance to Schiff Happens Universe is of course the rubber match between the Filthadelphia Fightin' Westbrooks and the mighty mighty Super Champs of the World, the New Jersey GGGGGGGGMEN. Each of these teams beat their division rival in their opponent's house during the regular season, but expect the GGGGGGGMEN to handle their Big Blue business and, taking a cue from my new favorite Boomer & Carton caller Incarcerated Bobby from Hoboken, do a tap dance all over ChunkySoup McNabb's head Sunday in the Meadowlands. Just look back at last year's playoff run and see what happened when teams tried to beat the Giants for a third time.

Clearly Schiff Happens is already feelin' kinda Sunday, so lets do something special and revel in Iggle Indignity all week long. Together, we can give the nation's ugliest city the proverbial "Suck It." I'll get things rolling here with some anti-Philly fun that everyone in the blue seats can appreciate, but please feel free to contribute. Yes We Can!