Tuesday, December 23, 2008

The NBA: Where Hanukkah Happens

Recently I echoed the sentiment of so many small children when I said that all I want for Hanukkah this year is one head-nodding religious artifact, which I then amended to state that all I want for Hanukkah this year is one head-nodding religious artifact and a piece of special birthday cake made just for a three-year-old named for one of history's most ruthless dictators. And this, my friends, is why they gave us eight crazy nights. Because tonight, on the third night of Hanukkah (and still the one and only night of Festivus) I hope my Jew love gives to me: one Rally Rabbi bobblehead, one Adolf cake... and a shout out from Ko-be.

I was introduced to The Embedded NBA Reporter, Elie Seckbach, through an intriguing couple of recent posts on freedarko. He came to America from Israel in 1996 to play college basketball and has been covering the NBA since 1997, although his popularity has received a major boost recently thanks in large part to Internet video. Andy Gray of CNNSI called Seckbach "the most entertaining NBA reporter out there" because of his quirky, candid interview style and zany questions beyond the realm of basketball, which often result in classic sound bites from NBA stars. To ring in the third night of Hanukkah, we've got Elie's Hanukkah videos from the last three years, with this year's at the bottom. And yes, that includes shout-outs from Kobe, The Diesel, and The King.

Upon hearing that Hanukkah commemorates a war victory and involves 8 nights of presents: "I need to celebrate Hanukkah more" - Ron Artest

"Happy Hanukkah. You guys have fun and blow out all the candles." - Ricky Davis

"Happy Hanukkah and, uh, I hope everything, you know, goes the way they planned." - Trevor Ariza

For more Seckbachery, check out Elie on Fanhouse.

I find tinsel distracting

Today is December 23, and as we all know, that means another Festivus is upon us. As I have noted, this year I've been more imbibed with the holiday spirit than any winter I can recently remember. As such, I've been feeling especially good natured and have spread my cheer through good deeds, gift-giving, and copious Jack Daniels consumption. But let's face it. Over the past year, you all have upset me incredibly, so before we gather around the aluminum pole and admire its high strength-to-weight ratio, let us give pause for the Festivus airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people, and now you're gonna hear about it! Consider this your open forum to come forth and tell everyone what's got you all prickly this year. Say whatever you want in the comments, just don't be mean or single people out (if you have to, at least let them be in on it. Festivus is a time for togetherness, after all).

I will begin with my D.C. contingent. Where the eff were you guys on this??? You know I love Seinfeld and holidays that can be celebrated via kiosk. Just look at all those great notes about things that pissed people - wait, wtf?! You must think you're pretty smart, random Adams Morgan Festivus Kiosk griper. Well I say you couldn't smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date ..... I lost my train of thought.

And so the airing of grievances has begun! Let the rant continue in the comments, and please air as much or as little as you like. Remember, until you pin me, Festivus is not over.

Monday, December 22, 2008

More Tunes! aka where the F are my Friday Jams?

Inexplicably, Saturday's Friday Jams have disappeared completely from the Schiff Happens radar. Please, someone, anyone, whoever you are out there - if this is your way of paying me back for posting unlicensed content, a simple "Cut that shit out" letter would have sufficed. Anyway, with my entire awesome post gone, here's the track list - you're on your own for download links this week I guess.

Ball Greezy - I'm the shit
Jay-Z - Brooklyn Go Hard ft. Santogold
Justin Timberlake - If I ft. T.I.
Eminem - Number One
Charles Hamilton - C Food
Asher Roth - Roth Boys (I'm pretty sure I can still embed the video, so see below)
N.A.S.A. - Money ft. David Byrne and Chuck D (also gonna repost this video)
Ghostface Killah - Ghostface Xmas
Vic & B.O.B. - Hot (from Collipark Christmas)
Run DMC - Christmas in Hollis

Roth Boys video:

Money video:

And of course as a special Festivus Miracle, in keeping with the Christmas jams at the end of the list and me wanting to spread some extra cheer for initially posting this late, here's the first episode of the new season of Flight of the Conchords.

Update: I'm pretty sure my Slim Shady postings are responsible for the disappearance, as my post about where he's been and the leaked track has also disappeared. I still don't understand why these posts are just gone without any form of correspondence from Blogger or otherwise - if anyone out there can shed some light, please do so.

Sometimes you just want it to snow

From the "Soon-to-be-remixed ad nauseum" department comes this gem of a poor Oklahoma University coed who just wanted to make it snow. Look, she's super sorry, okay? She'll even sweep the floor, just stop hating her! Come on, her dad did it, she just wanted to do it too!!

From the tiny bit of investigation I've done on this (aka reading the always-insightful comments) I'm pretty sure that this girl shot off a fire extinguisher in a library or dorm building in an attempt to create a finals winter wonderland. This naturally set off the fire alarm which, if you have gone to college you will know, requires immediate evacuation and lots of standing around outside freezing your face off while you wait for the fire department to (slowly) show up, (slowly) investigate and (very quickly) leave. You are then allowed to reenter the building and hold a grudge against the freshman dipshit (or in this case insane Alpha Chi) who committed the offense.

I actually have a bit of personal experience with this, having set off my dorm fire alarm my first year at UVA by burning a bag of microwave popcorn. It happened late on the Sunday night back from Thanksgiving break, so everyone was just settling in and getting ready for the return to classes when they were forced to stand outside in their pajamas for 45 minutes. Plus, the popcorn was being prepared for the now-retired ::sheds tear:: Talk Sex With Sue Johannsen (this was a weekly ritual with friends, I swear), which makes the offense that much more ignoble. But did I cry about it? Hell no! Grow a spine, Oklahoma girl. Stand up and take your fire alarm offense like I did - tell one trusted friend, slink to the back of the crowd while the fire department does their thing, then deny, deny, deny until people stop talking about it a week later. Then you can go on winter break and by spring semester you're barely an afterthought. OR you can become a lip-quivering YouTube sensation, totally up to you. I'm sorry, that was mean. You just wanted to make it snow.