Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The Lake Elsinore Storm and Subtle Butt have your ass covered

Sadly, this is not an April Fools joke, but an actual press release about an (incomprehensibly) actual promotion at an actual minor league baseball stadium. Yes, Minor League Baseball is sort of built on sideshows and silly, pointless promotions, but trust me when I say you have never seen anything like the latest giveaway from the Lake Elsinore Storm,* which promises to help control your problems with "gas emissions" no less than 5 times. Why don't you just go ahead and read the thing? Even a mind as demented as mine couldn't have possibly made this up.

The Lake Elsinore Storm Baseball Team
P.O. Box 535 Lake Elsinore, CA 92531
Class A Affiliate of the San Diego Padres

Storm Teams Up With Subtle Butt

To Combat Fat Tuesday Gas Emissions

LAKE ELSINORE, CA– Do you have a problem with gas emissions in the world today? Well the Storm want to help. Every Tuesday home game at The Diamond in Lake Elsinore, gas emissions and the economy will not be a problem.

As some of you might know, last season the Lake Elsinore Storm ran a Fat Tuesday promotion, which included an All-U-Can-Eat buffet in the left field Tiki Terrace for $13. However, this season the Fat Tuesday promotion is ballpark-wide. Every Tuesday ticket will cost $13 and include an All-U-Can-Eat menu available at every concession stand, with Tuesday, June 23 being the only exception.

You can probably deduce that All-U-Can-Eat ballpark food might lead to substantial gas emissions, which is where corporate sponsor, Subtle Butt, enters the picture. Made of activated carbon fabric, each disposable 3.25” square shield is held onto the inside of underwear with two self-adhesive strips. Subtle Butt effectively filters flatulence, absorbing and neutralizing its odor. “I am confident that this will help fans get through the Seventh-Inning Stench,” says Kim Leone Olenicoff, President of Irvine-based The Pond Inc., maker of Subtle Butt. “And I’m not only the President, but a satisfied customer.”

The first 250 fans each Tuesday will receive a free product sample of Subtle Butt, providing relief both for the environment and for the noses of those around them. Fans can enjoy all their favorite ballpark food (hot dogs, hamburgers, pizza, french fries and popcorn) and not worry about clearing out their section with untimely smells. “This will really help people out,” said Storm Assistant General Manager Allan Benavides. “I know personally when I eat all that I can, I have problems with gas emissions.”

The Storm front office members were used as guinea pigs to test the small patch in the off-season, and well, it works. Wives, friends and girlfriends are overjoyed at the relief Subtle Butt has brought them, and they hope that everyone else will feel the same.

For more information or to order Fat Tuesday tickets call the Storm Box Office at 951-245-4487 or visit

Really, Lake Elsinore Storm? REALLY?

This press release leaves me with so many more questions than answers. Who the hell decided that the Storm needed an entire promotion built around a fart joke? And a season-long promotion at that! Does the All-U-Can-Eat really have to apply to EVERY concession stand? Did David Wells recently sign with the Storm? I was not aware of this transaction. And oh, by the way, just how in the bloody hell do you even find out about a product like this?

And hey, you there with the Odor Eater pad shoved up your ass! Yea, you, Allan Benavides. I assume you aspire to bigger things than your current post as Assistant GM for the Class A Lake Elsinore Storm. Obviously, then, you'd want to go on the record about your "Problems with gas emissions." This makes sense.

The front office staff were the guinea pigs? So did they lock all the windows and doors to the conference room and just stand around letting it rip? Would you not immediately quit your job on the spot if your boss asked you to insert a fart-soaking maxi pad between your cheeks? And why the eff is it called Subtle Butt? To Kim Leone Olenicoff and the other brilliant minds over at The Pond, Inc.: You could not have possibly chosen a less subtle name for your product. The very notion of it defies subtlety -- your entire product pitch is based on the fact that farts smell!

I am absolutely convinced that the Snuggie people are behind this. Who else could have managed to create an insanely useless product that is offensive to all five of my senses?

Wait, what? Oh... oh god... Oh good god no! There's a commercial!

This looks like something Trey Parker and Matt Stone came up with during a week-long acid binge, or the outtakes from a Brazilian fart porn. Either way there is no way you could ever watch that and want to try the Subtle Butt, let alone hope to receive one as a free ballpark giveaway. And let's not forget that Minor League Baseball is marketed heavily towards families. Do you really want your kid thinking he has a free gas pass to just toot away as loud and long as he pleases? The Lake Elsinore Storm: Destroying America's youth one fart odor-neutralizing butthole sticker at a time.


No no no no no. Just no.

Oh, and one more thing...... No, seriously, it's not an April Fools. I know. I wish it were, too.

*Despite their inexplicable association with Subtle Butt, I have to stand up for the Storm for just one second to acknowledge that they may very well have the best hats in all of Minor League ball.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Asher Roth "Lark On My Go-Kart" Video [Wherein Asher is the Blond Bob Saget]

Props to The Chad for putting me on to this video. I feel like I can relate to this young fella because I'm also a dork who still holds court. Well, that and I'm king of the blumpkins. Nooch.

Razor Ramon flow oh so sharp
You can take Kapowski, I'ma take Lark on my go-kart.

Monday, March 30, 2009

No Texas festival for Phish, says Fagot farmer

Watch as a local news anchor introduces this story, describing how a video on Phish's official site went viral and created rumors of a late summer festival on a Georgetown, Texas farm. Then watch as the ensuing story, starring an unfortunately named farmer with a sweet mullet who confirms that there is no chance of Phish holding a summer-ending festival on his property, seems itself to have been scripted for viral glory. Small-town irony, gotta love it.

Fans tracked down the Fagot farm from his promotional video posted on the band’s web site.