Friday Jams are back on the eve of Worldwide Fame

Hey there, Schiff Heads! I know Ive been gone for a minute, but I told you things would be different in 2010 and that I'd never leave you hanging indefinitely like I did a few times back in The Year That Was Naught, and I'm sticking to my promise.

In the coming days we'll be breaking down the lineups for my three favorite festivals coming up this season and trying to decide which one you should be zeroing in on if you can only attend one, as all early signs indicate will be the case for Schiff Happens. However, the focus today is once again my ever-expanding global fame.

That's right, friends and fans of Schiff, the glorious moment is upon us! Tomorrow night on BBC Two, the final installment of The Virtual Revolution, starring the one and only Schiff Happens as "The Whopper Guy," airs for the whole world to see. Now, in this case, "The whole world" does not necessarily refer to the United States, or anywhere outside of the UK. However, the full episodes (at least the first 2) have been included in what the show's site is calling its 3D Documentary Explorer, a nifty little device that allows you to watch the shows in full, or explore individual elements in depth via a web of interconnected sites related to elements of each episode. Hopefully, Episode 4 will follow suit in due time. If not, we'll be here, waiting on pins and needles for The Virtual Revolution to finally land on BBC America.

So to celebrate this momentous achievement in Schiff Happens fame, we're bringing back a long-forgotten tradition that never should have been abandoned. Ladies and gentlemen, a warm welcome back to Friday Jams!

It's only appropriate that this week's Friday Jams feature a meeting of great minds from New York City and England, and with that in mind we give to you something we've been meaning to share for a minute now: Wu-Tang Vs. The Beatles: Enter The Magical Mystery Chambers.

I know you might be thinking, "Damn it, Schiff, another mash-up!?" or "Didn't Dangermouse already do this on The Grey Album?" but this isn't what you're used to, or what you're expecting. Turns out a 28-year-old music teacher from Brighton, England named Tom Caruana spent two months putting this together, going beyond the typical mash-up style of just slapping a vocal track over a different beat. Chambers mashes Wu-Tang a capellas with archival sound from interviews and newsreels, alternate instrumental samples and cover versions of Beatles classics, creating a new kind of mashup altogether. It had been downloaded over 27,000 times as of last month, and it's sort of amazing. Plus, the genius behind it is a freaking music teacher, an everyday bum like the rest of us, who says that if he ever met Paul or Ringo he'd say “'Cheers for putting in the great work over the years. You’re legends.' And then give them a high-five and run off quickly.” And if that doesn't get you, just look at him.



Ah-dorable.

Now go download it (It has been pulled from Caruana's site but that link will let you at least listen to it and points you to a direct download link. Sorry, best I could do), then keep an eye out over the weekend for your favorite international superstar. Like our friends across the pond might chant at their soccer matches, there's only one Schiff Happens.

Schiff Happens Has Officially Gone International [Fame]

Those of you who have stuck with me since the beginning might recall that around this time last year (almost to the day, wow), Schiff Happens rose to national prominence when I was featured in the New York Times as the world's foremost expert on defriending people on Facebook in exchange for a free Whopper sandwich from Burger King. Word of my fame eventually traveled across the pond to the UK, and towards the end of The Year That Was Naught, Schiff Happens took the next step toward world domination when I was interviewed about the same topic on camera by the BBC. You read that correctly - the freaking BBC! We international, baby!

Unfortunately, I managed to blog through the entire Rest Of '09 without mentioning this little nugget of awesomeness (Or, I should say, quarter-pounder of awesomeness. See what I did there?). It happened during the World Series, so I guess it got lost in the shuffle of me attending Game 2 for free and meeting Uncle Jesse. Makes sense, really. I mean...Stamos. Anyway, it turns out that throughout the last year, the BBC had been putting together a massive documentary project about the World Wide Web, looking back at 20 years of the Internet to try and express how it has dramatically changed our world and predict where it might be heading. Pretty intriguing stuff. The fourth episode of the series is all about how the Web has changed the nature of human interaction, and in their research the producers at the BBC had stumbled upon the Whopper Sacrifice and fallen in love with its subversive nature (as I had) as a case study in how we define friendship on the web. They contacted me via Facebook, naturally, and asked me if I would be willing to tell my Whopper story on camera, and ultimately be featured in the project. I can vividly recall Susanna Posnett, the Assistant Producer who first spoke to me about the show, telling me in her classic English accent, "My director told me to find a Whopper Guy and, well, you're my Whopper Guy." Now if that doesn't scream "You've made it," I don't know what does.

I was happy to oblige, and the rest, as we say around here, is history. About a week after that initial conversation, I was sitting in a midtown diner next to Dr. Aleks Krotoski, the host of the documentary, telling the tale that made Schiff Happens famous. A cameraman stood behind the diner counter and filmed us as we conversed, with matching plates of burgers and fries in front of us, about the utter hilarity inherent in deleting an online relationship with ten people you probably weren't even friends with in the first place for the equivalent of one-tenth of a fast food sandwich that you probably didn't even want to eat in the first place. It was an extremely fun and memorable experience, made even more rewarding by the high praise I received from Krotoski, Posnett, and director Molly Milton, who agreed that I was one of their favorite interviews of the entire series. To put that in perspective, these people traveled the globe interviewing all-time geniuses and Internet hall-of-famers including Bill Gates, Al Gore, Arianna Huffington, Stephen Fry, Mark Zuckerberg, and Tim Berners-Lee. Oh, you say you invented the World Wide Web? I'm sorry, I wasn't listening - I'm the Whopper Guy!

This is all to bring you up to speed and let you know that the series, titled "The Virtual Revolution," started last night with Episode 1: "The Great Leveling?" on BBC 2, and debuts at the end of February on BBC World. The series will be broadcast in the US, so all of you, my tens of adoring fans, will definitely be able to watch my leap from mere national fame to worldwide superstardom. Dates for American airings are still being sorted out, but I am in contact with the show's directors and will be sure to get that info to you as soon as it's available. They've also promised me DVD copies of the entire thing, so maybe we'll get a special Schiff Happens screening together. For now, check out the preview video below, follow the series on Twitter @BBCDigRev, and be sure to check out the program's official web site. It's chock full of interviews and source video and all kinds of great information on the series, and is in itself a must-see example of open source goodness for all you Internetty types. In fact, as incentive for you to see what it's all about, Schiff Happens will personally buy a free Whopper meal for the first person who can find me in the annals of the Virtual Revolution site. I promise, I'm there somewhere.

Until then, stay tuned right here. Schiff Happens, the global phenomenon coming soon to a burger joint near you.

He's baaaaaack

The King rides again! And this time, he's a total pimp! Oh King, you sly boots....

I'd call this the return of the Mac, but I have way too much love for the Whopper to insult The King like that.

This photo, courtesy of @ELROSS, apparently depicts the festivities at today's grand opening of Burger King's first ever Whopper Bar at CityWalk, Universal Orlando Resort's shopping and entertainment complex. From USA Today:

There won't be any alcohol but there will be meat and lots of it.

Customers can customize their Whopper, Double Whopper or Steakhouse XT burger with up to 22 different toppings, including steak sauce, smoked bacon and guacamole. Burger King workers will add the toppings in front of customers for a sushi bar-like atmosphere.

No alcohol and lots of meat? Smells like a party at That Dick's place! (I kid, Smellson, I kid). Personally I fail to see how ordering your burger at a sushi bar-like setup is any different from ordering it at the usual cattle call-like setup, but if you know me, you know that if I were at all nearby I'd be right up in there now if for no other reason than this. (Whatever, @ELROSS - your free burger won't alienate people and make you famous, so suck on that!)

Which reminds me, it's lunchtime and I've still got this puppy in my wallet. Methinks it's time to commemorate the Return of The King.

(UPDATE: @ELROSS is apparently an even bigger Burger King fanboy than yours truly, and he was all over this monumental event, live and in person, as it unfolded. Check out his Twitpic photostream for the full experience. You have to admit you want a bite)

Burger King to Open First Whopper Bar [USA Today]

Previously:
The post that started it all: Because "People you may know" sounds nicer than "People you don't like"
The first update: Apologies for my absence, please accept my humble Whopper Sacrifice
The article: Friends, Until I Delete You [New York Times]
The fame: Schiff Happens in the New York Times [We're totally famous now!]
The beef: NYTimes facebook beef [Nontroversy]
The persistence: The King can't be stopped
The poor bastard: The King Works In Mysterious Ways [Another Whopper Freakout]

Free Quiznos (and it won't cost you a single friend)

Check it out, another fast food restaurant giving stuff away for free!


I got my coupon, now go get yours and come back here to comment so we can settle on a Free Quiznos Day for all of my Schiff Happens peoples to get our free subs en masse (including you, random French guy I repeatedly see in the Stat Counter).

Of course, if you want to get famous from free fast food, you're gonna have to make some sacrifices.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet the Sexy Armpit

He loves the Beastie Boys and New Jersey. We're gonna be regular pals.

As a fan and fellow Tribesman of the Beastie Boys, I was glad to see a Jersey guy break down the relationship between the group and the Garden State. The connection is obviously much less overt than the Beasties' affinity for their home in Brooklyn, but you always had a feeling that dudes that awesome had to somehow be connected to the Dirty Jers, which I'll remind you again is the unknown cultural center of the universe.

However, I wanted to further dissect the Armpit's discussion, so I decided to do a little research and break down of all the White Castle and New Jersey references on Licensed To Ill. Curiously, there is not a single mention of Harold and Kumar's favorite burger chain on any of the Beasties' other albums. I guess it should be no surprise that Licensed was their biggest hit. Just another testament to the inspirational power of White Castle, and a lesson to you kids - no dream is too big if you set your mind to it and get all hopped up on Slyders. And now, my findings.

The Boys get right to work on the second track, "The New Style," which has the unique distinction of being the only Beastie Boys track to reference both White Castle and New Jersey.

I chill at White Castle 'cause it's the best
But I'm fly at Fat Burger when I'm way out west
[snip]
You're from Secaucus - I'm from Manhattan
You're jealous of me because your girlfriend is cattin'

They may be interested to know that Fatburger has since expanded, and currently has 1 New York location and 3 in New Jersey, including one in Jersey City, just moments away from Secaucus.

Next, two tracks with no mention of burgers or Garden States, but after that we get references in consecutive tracks. First, on "Slow Ride:"

Because being bad news is what we're all about
We went to White Castle and we got thrown out

Followed by a classic line in "Girls," a favorite of hormonally supercharged 12-year-olds since 1986:

I like the way that they walk
And it's chill to hear them talk
And I can always make them smile
From White Castle to the Nile

Three more tracks until the next White Castle mention ("Fight For Your Right," "No Sleep Til Brooklyn," "Paul Revere" - damn this album is effing awesome). "Hold It Now, Hit It!" features this little nugget:

Down with Mike D. and it ain't no hassle
Got the ladies of the eighties from here to White Castle

I have to admit, I never thought to take a girl to White Castle. I tend to go more for Wendy's types.

Now, the next track, "Brass Monkey" is a Schiff Happens favorite. However, in my years of singing along, especially with this recognizable line:

I drink Brass Monkey and I rock well
I got a Castle in Brooklyn that's where I dwell

I never thought about it this way (thanks to Beastie Boys Lyrics Annotated): "One possible (UPDATE: Sorry, this quote got whited out) interpretation comes from scoats@greylodge.com, that at the time this was written, there were no White Castles in Manhattan but there was one in Brooklyn. It could also simply refer to the fact that Yauch is speaking this line from Brooklyn, and a man's home is his castle."
Now that is some clever lyrical analysis! I always figured it was the whole "a man's home is his castle" thing, but considering this was the Beastie Boys' debut album, they weren't exactly rocking out in mansions at the time. The White Castle theory definitely has legs.

Consequently, if we're to accept the above as a White Castle reference, then "Slow and Low" marks the third consecutive track to mention the burger joint. This one happens to be my favorite Beastie Boys White Castle Reference of all time, and yes, I had already come to that conclusion long before this post was even a thought.

We got determination, bass and highs
White Castle fries only come in one size

To me, that just sums up the playful, carefree attitude that the Beastie Boys have always been so about. So what if it's a randomly placed non sequitor? It rhymes, damn it! Unfortunately, this quality may account for the lack of poetic justice that would have come with one final White Castle mention on the final track. Alas, "Time to Get Ill" makes no mention of Slyders or New Jersey, so here's your final tally.

Total White castle references: 5 or 6, depending on your interpretation of the "Brass Monkey" line. Call it 5.5
"White Castle" Frequency: 1 of every 2.36 tracks, or a whopping 42 percent of the songs on Licensed To Ill feature White Castle. After such heavy emphasis on the burger joint in their debut, why was White Castle completely abandoned in every album since? I can't say for sure, but it probably has something to do with this sneaky bugger.
Total New Jersey references: Just the one.
Total White Castle consumed by Harold and Kumar: 60 Slyders, 10 orders of fries, 4 large Cherry Cokes, 4 large Diet Cokes.

*I guess I should probably come clean and admit that even though I am Jersey through and through, I have no love for White Castle. I've been there exactly once, immediately after I saw Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, and I felt extremely dirty because 1) We were completely buying into the whole stupid ploy of a 90-minute product placement flick (don't get it twisted though, I love that movie), and 2) Have you ever actually seen a White Castle Burger?

With that, I believe this delicious dissection is over. Not sure what kind of conclusions we want to draw from this, but I'll be damned if I'm not craving me a burger right now. Just thinking about it makes me wanna burn this mothafucka down. Come on Pookie! Pretty bummed I don't have my Free Whopper coupon with me. What was I thinking not putting it in my wallet immediately? Damn it. Now what am I supposed to eat for lunch?

The King works in mysterious ways [Another Whopper Freakout]

Yea yea, we're famous, I know, can’t we talk about anything else? Try as I might to show off my versatility, the Whopper Sacrifice Facebook New York Times Schiff Happens pandemonium continues to sweep the nation. Just tonight I got a shout out from a friend in Chicago who spotted me, and over the weekend I got a friend request from a certain vindictive, passive-aggressive facebooker. But the Whopper Freakout Of The Week happened on Saturday night. I was talking to my good old buddy, Stone, about his meeting with Facebook that he recently mentioned in the comments (albeit way too late), and the following dialogue transpired:

Stone: Schiff-ha, facebook took it down but it’s still in my profile.
me: Yea, mine too, but if you click it you get directed to a page that says “Whopper Sacrifice has been sacrificed.”
Stone: Schiff-ha, I know, but I was pretty bummed because I didn’t get all the way to unfriending ten people. /looks up with hangdog eyes. I only got 6.
me: YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

What a bugout. I blog some bullshit about defriending ten people I don’t even know for a scrumptious, free Whopper, next thing I know I’m famous. Then I blog some bullshit about the success of the Whopper Sacrifice, and I wonder who the poor sonofabitch was who only got through axing six friends and couldn’t earn his free burger when the application got pulled down after 233,906 friends were sacrificed. I even joked that the reporter who wrote the story should try to track down the sorry excuse for a burger lover and find out how he could possibly disgrace himself in such away, and not three days later I hit on a 1-in-23,000 chance of finding the em-effer. As if that weren't enough, I legitimately know him and have been good friends with him for years (although only recently learned about his sock-throwing antics). I really must have awoken the beef gods, because the Whopper Sacrifice continues to have a life of its own. Every time I think it’s going to fizzle out, it returns, so I’m gonna assume I haven’t heard the last of this. Long live the King.



Previously:
The post that started it all: Because "People you may know" sounds nicer than "People you don't like"
The first update: Apologies for my absence, please accept my humble Whopper Sacrifice
The article: Friends, Until I Delete You [New York Times]
The fame: Schiff Happens in the New York Times [We're totally famous now!]
The beef: NYTimes facebook beef [Nontroversy]
The persistence: The King can't be stopped

Who decides? The Boss decides.

In lieu of a traditional Friday Jams, which have earned me letters from the RIAA 2 of the last 4 times, we're gonna play a little game of Guess Springsteen's Super Bowl Setlist.

Rolling Stone already accidentally put the kibosh on any chance for you to make money off of your ability to guess what the E Streeters play on Sunday, having successfully figured out that "Any other combination" was probably the best place to lay your money, as opposed to four other randomly generated sets of 4 songs that would have to appear exactly in order for you to be a winner. Sheer genius, why didn't I think of that?

Fortunately, The Boss and his Band are in jovial spirits as they prepare for the big show (without us, way to answer the call, people) and even offered a rare press conference - his first since 1987 (I mean...really?). Fun topics covered Thursday:

• The size of the audience, something that shouldn't phase a man who has made a 30-year career bringing rock to the fist-pumping stadium masses and earlier this month performed at the biggest, most historic Presidential inauguration ever: “You’ll have a lot of crazy football fans, but you won’t have Lincoln staring over your shoulder. That takes some of the pressure off.”
• The timing of the performance and the release of the band's new album: “This is the year. I really believe our band is going through a golden age.” Lulling us to sleep for 30 years and then pouncing at just the precise moment - you sly boots Bruce.
• The decision to finally play the Super Bowl, after years of turning down the invitation: “We have a new album coming out. We have our mercenary reasons, of course. Besides our deep love of football, blah-blah-blah.”
• His aforementioned deep affection for the great American game of football: “I don’t know anything about it. I did play the game in my backyard around the summer of 1958. I haven’t played a lot since. When I hear Steelers, I think Terry Bradshaw.” Yes, Terry Bradshaw who last played a professional football game 26 years ago. Funny because when I hear Steelers, I think Pittsburgh hotties, and when I hear Terry Bradshaw, I think f-bombs.

Perhaps most importantly, The Boss gave us a teeny tiny glimmer of what to expect Sunday, promising "a 12-minute party," and reminding everyone that there's nobody out there who can possibly predict the 4-song setlist.

"Who decides? The Boss decides," he said.

Alright, so maybe there's one guy who can call the set. For the rest of us who aren't the most badass rocker of all time, we can only pump our fists while simultaneously belting out "Glory Days" and stuffing our pie-holes with egregious amounts of our favorite Ranch-flavored, deep-fried, made-in-America grease nugget of choice, and hope he plays four straight songs just for us. So here's my call (and you gotta call it in order, because no one, anywhere, ever has predicted a full set list in order): My Lucky Day, Promised Land, Dancing in the Dark (with Chad Ocho Cinco dancing on stage), Born To Run (with full house lights blazing).

What's your call?

One more item for the Boss Watch: Great New York Times story by John Pareles about the new record and rehearsals for the big show. And speaking of the NYT, why, what's that little box to the right of the story?

Third most popular story you say? I can see trailing the inauguration, but billable hours at law firms? "Our top story tonight, grass grows beside drying paint." Seriously? Thank you, glorious nation of Schiff Happens, for making third place possible, but there's still room to grow. Yes we can!

The King Can't Be Stopped

Slate's Chadwick Matlin weighs in on the Whopper Sacrifice, joining the ranks of prominent web media types who have reported on this story yet neglected to mention yours truly.
And for those of you who will try to tell me that this story is tired and nobody cares anymore, at the very least, this video will expose you to the fun new word, "Blogorrhea," which you can then utilize in the comments until that gets tired and nobody cares anymore.

NYTimes facebook beef [nontroversy]

Gawker and their network of scurrying, wonky little blogging gnomes are on top of the New York Times story, although for some reason I can't understand, they don't give one single mention of yours truly. They've been coming down pretty hard on our buddy Mr. Quenqua as a passive aggressive type who turned his Thursday Styles assignment into an entire article written solely to publicly settle an old online score and blast a former colleague and un-friend identified in the story only as "Ehren S."

Personally, I found this to be an outrage. Mr. Quenqua was courteous, funny, engaging, and seemed like just the type of person I'd want to forge a virtual association with based on a one-time conversation conducted solely for business purposes. Plus, where's the shoutout to me? I don't need to be at the center of this dust-up, but at least throw my name in the ring. For kricesakes, any publicity is good publicity! For shame, Gawker. For shame.

Apparently, reckless defriender "Ehren S." wrote in to Gawker to fire back, once again making no mention of Schiff Happens, which certainly makes her deserving of the Whopper Sacrifice.

You may recall:
The article: Friends, Until I Delete You [New York Times]
The post that started it all: Because "People you may know" sounds nicer than "People you don't like"
Yesterday's update: Apologies for my absence, please accept my humble Whopper Sacrifice

Schiff Happens in the New York Times [We're totally famous now!]

More beef? Better taste? Okay fool, I'll let you live...

It's Thursday already, and while I'm still feeling under the weather from whatever random stomach flu I decided to come down with Tuesday morning, I'm recovered enough to the point where I'd rather suck it up and go back to work than sacrifice the additional days off. Therefore, it is with a lingering rumble in my gullet that I bring to you the joyous breaking news: The New York Times story hit newsstands this morning. Looks like Schiff Happens has finally reached the big time - famouser than you since 2009!

Many thanks to Karen for setting the whole thing up and to Douglas Quenqua for writing a thoroughly enjoyable article. I think it would only be apropos for us to commemorate this great moment by becoming Facebook friends (or enjoying our free Whoppers together), although I have to admit a tiny bit of dismay over Schiff Happens not getting a mention by name. After all the great pub I gave your little New York Times...

I've already started to hear from people who have seen the story, including a message from Africa (yea, that's right, international, baby!) and all I can say is it's fun. You wouldn't believe me if I told you, but I'm actually an old pro at this, having been quoted in the NYT before. So now when you show this humble little (now world-famous) weblog to your friends and co-workers, you can assure them that it is in fact a credible source of inane, idle silliness. Hopefully this means more big things to come for Schiff Happens and our extended fam. For now, just keep reading and commenting, add SH to your reader device of choice or join as a follower while I go out and buy 5 copies of today's Times for my mother.

The article: Friends, Until I Delete You [New York Times]
The post that started it all: Because "People you may know" sounds nicer than "People you don't like"
Yesterday's update: Apologies for my absence, please accept my humble Whopper Sacrifice

Apologies for my absence, please accept my humble Whopper Sacrifice

I haven't posted in almost a week. I'm so upset with myself. At this rate, Arnold Diaz is gonna be climbing into my room from my balcony with a camera crew any minute now. That's one quick little dude.

Anyway, a couple of weekends ago I wrote that I was going to make a better effort to spread the knowledge more on the non-9-to-5 days. The next day I mentioned that I had already gotten back a bit of good karma before I had even finished said post, and promised to follow up on that in due time. Two weeks later, I have one weekend post to show for it and still haven't updated on the karma situation, so here it finally is.

Like I said, I was in the middle of writing a random enough post when a friend of mine who works in PR told me that she had responded to a query from the New York times which she thought I'd be perfect for. Turns out that some reporter was putting together a story for which he needed to interview someone who had successfully used the Burger King "Whopper Sacrifice" Facebook application, so she quickly responded to the query, told this guy all about me, and even attached a Schiff Happens post which, as loyal readers will recall, outlined my discovery and subsequent gleeful completion of the Whopper Sacrifice. In fact, just a day before all this happened, I received a most welcome surprise in my mail:

Maybe it was only a matter of time before all of this came together. Maybe the Whopper gods really received my sacrifice and were smiling down upon me from a flame-broiled paradise in burger heaven. Whatever the reason, my friend seemed very excited to tell me that there was a great chance that this NYTimes reporter would contact me for an interview, and of course, he did.

Without revealing too much, I will say that I spoke to a reporter named Doug Quenqua, a friendly and professional guy who was more than willing to listen to me babble on at length about why I think it's awesome to unfriend people on facebook, how I confused several people into thinking they had in fact been sacrificed with my cryptic status message, and why I decided to take on the Whopper Sacrifice in the first place.

NYTimes: So, you decided to install and use this application because you really love Whoppers, right?
Schiff Happens: Um.... well... not exactly.

The conversation was great, as I said, but the best part was when Doug said to me, seemingly expecting me to have known already, that facebook had pulled the popular application because it violated their privacy policy. The Whopper Sacrifice had been sacrificed!

(Gratuitous Parenthetical Side Note: 233,906 friends sacrificed for Whoppers! That means over 23,000 people out there besides me value a sandwich more than 10 facebook friends. And what about the one poor bastard who only got through 6 friends before fb shut down the app? Quenqua needs to get that guy on the phone, asap!)

Something about people getting a message from Burger King telling them "You've had your friendship sacrificed for a Whopper, and here's the guy that did it," didn't sit well with facebook I suppose. At the time, this was shocking news to me. I had absolutely no clue, which Doug found hilarious. Because it was removed from facebook so quickly, it had taken Doug a while just to find someone who had actually installed the application and used it to completion, despite its apparent popularity. We had a little laugh over this and wrapped things up, and since then we've been in touch, with me squaring away minor details ("Actually I'm 25, not 30") and him giving me the info on where and when I can hope to find the story ("Looks more like next week. I got bumped this week for Obama - so SICK of that guy!").

So, dear readers, I am elated to report to you that in due time, you will be able to read all about yours truly and the glory of the Whopper Sacrifice in the Style section of the New York Times. I have to admit that it was truly an honor to have a writer for the New York (freaking) Times read and compliment my blog, and even quote it to me in the midst of my interview. I don't know about you, but I don't typically wake up int he morning thinking, "Today is the day. A New York Times reporter is gonna call me up today and say, 'Hey, I really enjoyed your blog. Pretty funny stuff. And I had never seen those YouTubes before! Stupid Cleatus the FOX robot...'" Having it happen (even if not exactly like that) makes me feel like I'm doing something right.

I guess in the end it's really true what they say. If you work hard, and step on as many facebook friends you weren't really friends with in the first place along the way, you will definitely get famous. See you in the NYT - don't worry, I promise not to forget about the little people.

Well, that sucked [I hate everybody]

"Hello, you've reached the Giants' coaches box. Sorry we can't take your call right now, we're busy scheming our next third-and-fail. Please leave a message and we'll get back to you if we wake up."

Aaaaaand NFL season is over - that was quick! Thanks for the great effort, Giants. It was a great season and a classic battle yesterday that neither team could have been ashamed to lose. Maybe not so much, but thanks for showing up and playing like you wanted it. Thanks for showing up at all? Alright, does anybody want to tell me what the eff that was all about yesterday? Eli? Coach Coughlin? Sweet Jesus, has anybody seen Dave Tyree?

Thanks to the GMen deciding to roll over and die yesterday (because who wants a clear path to a second straight Super Bowl, really?), I now get to endure yet another week at work, this time with no football light at the end of the tunnel but an absolute Suckfest of a championship round which will ultimately send either the Iggs or the Buzzsaw that is the Arizona Cardinals to the Super Bowl. Allow that to sink in for a moment. ::Throws up all over keyboard::

This disaster says nothing of the battery of texts and emails I've received since the end of the gamy yesterday, most of which were sent from fans and residents of the city that pretty much invented losing. The worst part is that aside from remaining much better looking, I don't have shit to say back to these animals (although you all should probably prepare for facebook to notify you that I've sacrificed your friendship for a Whopper). From the outset the Giants didn't have it, they never looked like they wanted it, and really, they got their asses thoroughly whupped by a better team for a full 60 minutes. There was no phase of the game in which the Giants demonstrated any sort of superiority, confidence, effort, intelligence - shall I continue?

Lucking out on a safety and settling for 5 field goal attempts - 2 of which were missed by John "Skeletor" Carney - without even sniffing the end zone on 5 red zone possessions is generally not a game plan for success. Then again, neither is 3-for-13 on third down. And I haven't even mentioned yet the fact that Eli decided to revert back to his rookie year and play like a steaming hot pile of garbage. Someone needs to tell him that you don't always have to follow in your brother's footsteps. Maybe young Elisha saw big brother go down in the first round last week and decided that they could use all the extra time they could get to prepare for their big Double Stuf race against the Williams sisters. Seems possible, considering that the Giants were A) doubly stuffed in the fourth quarter as they twice failed to convert on fourth-and-short (neither play was even close, and if anyone wants to explain the QB sneak with inches to gain, please go right ahead), and B) outwitted and outplayed by Double Stuf personified.

However, I can't lay it all on Eli. Maybe Coach Spags should have been spending a little less time interviewing for head coaching jobs and a little more time designing a defensive scheme for THIRD-AND-FUCKING-TWENTY!!! Did we really just forget all about this???

There's so much more that I could say about one of the most miserable playoff performances I've ever witnessed by one of my favorite teams, but it's Monday, I'm depressed, I still hate Philly (maybe now more than ever) and it's fuh fuh freezing in New York City. How long until baseball starts? This is miserable.

Help me, Mark Teixeira. You're my only hope.

Because "People You May Know" sounds nicer than "People You Don't Like"

Sorry King, but I'm jonesing for a Whopper and well, you just didnt make the cut. If I can be honest for a minute... it was the jersey.

This week has already produced a couple of mash-ups of some of Schiff Happens' favorite things in this world, but the latest such combination might also be the greatest.
First, Schiff Happens' dual loves of New Jersey and fitted fashion meet in beautiful, color-coordinated harmony. Then, hip hop meets cartoons (with a little dash of Carlton Dance for good measure). Now, there's this just in from the makers of everyone's favorite eau de beef: Burger King's "Whopper Sacrifice" facebook application, which combines my love of flame-broiled BK perfection with my passion for constantly trimming the proverbial fat from the old facebook friends list. Eliminating already-borderline-acquaintances-at-best from your virtual neighborhood, plus a free Whopper? These are a few of my favorite things...

Update: Sadly, there seem to be a few bugs in the Whopper Sacrifice system. I can only assume this is due to massive traffic, because really, who wants all those friends? Let's be honest here, questionable facebook friend. We've been keeping you around all this time because we'd just feel bad if you ever found out that you got the ax. It's just, well, up until now nobody offered us a Whopper in exchange for your feelings. We may have grudgingly accepted your friend request, but as soon as BK works out the kinks, you're as good as french fried. That's called having it your way, sucker. Now get back there and get me a WHOPPER!

Update #2: I was able to get this thing up and running and was having so much fun watching familiar facebook pics of people I don't even know literally go up in flames at the altar of the (Burger) King, that I decided to fully go through with it and claim my Whopper prize as today's lunch. Sadly, the fun of my Whopper Sacrifice came screeching to a halt once I axed friend #10, as I was asked to fill out a form and then told that my free Whopper coupon would be mailed to me...within 2-4 weeks! I'm more than a little bummed out at the moment, but I have a feeling I'll be excited a month from now when I've forgotten all about this and that envelope shows up holding my golden ticket to The King's domain.