Friday, February 20, 2009

Ladies and gentlemen, meet the Sexy Armpit


He loves the Beastie Boys and New Jersey. We're gonna be regular pals.

As a fan and fellow Tribesman of the Beastie Boys, I was glad to see a Jersey guy break down the relationship between the group and the Garden State. The connection is obviously much less overt than the Beasties' affinity for their home in Brooklyn, but you always had a feeling that dudes that awesome had to somehow be connected to the Dirty Jers, which I'll remind you again is the unknown cultural center of the universe.

However, I wanted to further dissect the Armpit's discussion, so I decided to do a little research and break down of all the White Castle and New Jersey references on Licensed To Ill. Curiously, there is not a single mention of Harold and Kumar's favorite burger chain on any of the Beasties' other albums. I guess it should be no surprise that Licensed was their biggest hit. Just another testament to the inspirational power of White Castle, and a lesson to you kids - no dream is too big if you set your mind to it and get all hopped up on Slyders. And now, my findings.

The Boys get right to work on the second track, "The New Style," which has the unique distinction of being the only Beastie Boys track to reference both White Castle and New Jersey.
I chill at White Castle 'cause it's the best
But I'm fly at Fat Burger when I'm way out west

You're from Secaucus - I'm from Manhattan
You're jealous of me because your girlfriend is cattin'
They may be interested to know that Fatburger has since expanded, and currently has 1 New York location and 3 in New Jersey, including one in Jersey City, just moments away from Secaucus.

Next, two tracks with no mention of burgers or Garden States, but after that we get references in consecutive tracks. First, on "Slow Ride:"
Because being bad news is what we're all about
We went to White Castle and we got thrown out
Followed by a classic line in "Girls," a favorite of hormonally supercharged 12-year-olds since 1986:
I like the way that they walk
And it's chill to hear them talk
And I can always make them smile
From White Castle to the Nile
Three more tracks until the next White Castle mention ("Fight For Your Right," "No Sleep Til Brooklyn," "Paul Revere" - damn this album is effing awesome). "Hold It Now, Hit It!" features this little nugget:
Down with Mike D. and it ain't no hassle
Got the ladies of the eighties from here to White Castle
I have to admit, I never thought to take a girl to White Castle. I tend to go more for Wendy's types.

Now, the next track, "Brass Monkey" is a Schiff Happens favorite. However, in my years of singing along, especially with this recognizable line:
I drink Brass Monkey and I rock well
I got a Castle in Brooklyn that's where I dwell
I never thought about it this way (thanks to Beastie Boys Lyrics Annotated): "One possible (UPDATE: Sorry, this quote got whited out) interpretation comes from, that at the time this was written, there were no White Castles in Manhattan but there was one in Brooklyn. It could also simply refer to the fact that Yauch is speaking this line from Brooklyn, and a man's home is his castle."
Now that is some clever lyrical analysis! I always figured it was the whole "a man's home is his castle" thing, but considering this was the Beastie Boys' debut album, they weren't exactly rocking out in mansions at the time. The White Castle theory definitely has legs.

Consequently, if we're to accept the above as a White Castle reference, then "Slow and Low" marks the third consecutive track to mention the burger joint. This one happens to be my favorite Beastie Boys White Castle Reference of all time, and yes, I had already come to that conclusion long before this post was even a thought.
We got determination, bass and highs
White Castle fries only come in one size
To me, that just sums up the playful, carefree attitude that the Beastie Boys have always been so about. So what if it's a randomly placed non sequitor? It rhymes, damn it! Unfortunately, this quality may account for the lack of poetic justice that would have come with one final White Castle mention on the final track. Alas, "Time to Get Ill" makes no mention of Slyders or New Jersey, so here's your final tally.

Total White castle references: 5 or 6, depending on your interpretation of the "Brass Monkey" line. Call it 5.5
"White Castle" Frequency: 1 of every 2.36 tracks, or a whopping 42 percent of the songs on Licensed To Ill feature White Castle. After such heavy emphasis on the burger joint in their debut, why was White Castle completely abandoned in every album since? I can't say for sure, but it probably has something to do with this sneaky bugger.
Total New Jersey references: Just the one.
Total White Castle consumed by Harold and Kumar: 60 Slyders, 10 orders of fries, 4 large Cherry Cokes, 4 large Diet Cokes.

*I guess I should probably come clean and admit that even though I am Jersey through and through, I have no love for White Castle. I've been there exactly once, immediately after I saw Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, and I felt extremely dirty because 1) We were completely buying into the whole stupid ploy of a 90-minute product placement flick (don't get it twisted though, I love that movie), and 2) Have you ever actually seen a White Castle Burger?

With that, I believe this delicious dissection is over. Not sure what kind of conclusions we want to draw from this, but I'll be damned if I'm not craving me a burger right now. Just thinking about it makes me wanna burn this mothafucka down. Come on Pookie! Pretty bummed I don't have my Free Whopper coupon with me. What was I thinking not putting it in my wallet immediately? Damn it. Now what am I supposed to eat for lunch?

Thursday, February 19, 2009

The Boss is back! (As if he ever left)

Bruce decided to take most of last week off and let us all catch our breath after his PR blitz leading up to the Super Bowl frenzy and the Crotch Heard Round the World (gonna be a long time before that one gets old) necessitated a massive recap of all his activities. He showed up for a minute to post his Super Bowl Journal on his official page, which alone is worth revisiting for its sheer brilliance (That's your cue to go check it out if you showed up late to the party. Don't worry, we'll still be here when you're done). Luckily, in the week since, The Boss has returned to his usual headline-grabbing, so we have a little bit more material to run through this week than a single-item recap, which I suppose wouldn't be much of a recap at all but more like a repost, which seems a bit redundant. What the hell was I talking about?

Is there anybody ALIVE out there???

Oh, right. Thanks, Boss. As I was attempting to say before I went all ADD, my Google reader was alive this week with all manner of Bruceness, so it is once again time to bring you the most fist-pumping feature in the history of these here interwebs and review the week that was in Bruce news. As per last time, we'll rate each item on a scale of one to five Rockin New Jersey Fist Pumps. Five Jersey Fists if the story makes you want to powerslide into someone's face, one Jersey Fist if the story is so miserable that you'd rather listen to Bon Jovi than read about it ::Imagines actually wanting to listen to Bon Jovi. Punches self in face with solitary Jersey Fist::
(Quick side note, I'm going to need a sweet name for these Jersey Fist Bruce Springsteen recaps if the guy is gonna keep making news. "Keeping Up With The Boss?" "Fist Week Ever?" Help me out here, people).

First things first, Pitchfork Media's interview series with up-and-coming, youngish artists about how Springsteen has influenced them has expanded and is now being hosted on Bruce's official site under the title "Hangin Out on E Street" (apparently I'm not the only one who needs help thinking of titles). Jersey guys the Gaslight Anthem, Ted Leo, Bouncing Souls and Schiff Happens inspiration Wyclef Jean - as well as some other folks who, though talented, can't say they hail from the great Garden State - talk about The Boss and then play a cover of one of his tunes. The point of the thing is to show how Bruce's influence has widened beyond the scope of mainstream rock. I've never been much for indie rock, but I'm all for this. It's just one more talking point for Springsteen fans when the non-Jersey people and the too-hip-for-you-old-man indie kids continue to fail or be unwilling to understand the magnitude of Springsteen's appeal, influence and legend. Face it, indie kids - The Hold Steady made it cool to dig Bruce, and if you don't like it, here's 3 Jersey Fists right in your face. Now wash your damn hair and put a smile on your face you miserable skinny jeans wearing fuck. (Scoring Note: This would have been a 4-Fister, but apparently doesn't have much of a budget for acoustics quality control).

Next on the Bruce Watch, Springsteen debuted his video for "The Wrestler" about 2 months too late to prevent the Oscars from snubbing him for Best Original Song. I still have yet to see the movie but I truly do dig this song, and not just because it's simple enough to play that even I can strum along with it on guitar, but because I can't help but get choked up by toned-down acoustic Bruce singing sad songs about one-legged dogs and melancholy characters searching for meaning in this lonely life when society has turned its back on you. I also get emotional for run-on sentences. The fact that the Oscars so obviously effed up by snubbing Bruce and only nominating three songs is made all the more hilarious by Peter Gabriel's refusal to perform his “Down To Earth” from Wall-E in protest of the ceremony's 65-second-per-song rule. Now the Oscars are left with only a pair of Slumdog Millionaire tunes and are so desperate for performers that they've begged offered to let new mum M.I.A. perform Slumdog's "O Saya" from "some sort of fabulous bed on stage." An outdated awards show blatantly effs up and Bruce has the last laugh? That'll get you 4 Jersey Fists every time.

Meanwhile, while we were watching "The Wrestler" video, Bonnaroo posted live Springsteen videos on its web site - "Thunder Road" from Live in New York City and "Promised Land" from Live in Barcelona. There's absolutely nothing here that can't be purchased from your local public television station for a recession-friendly donation of only $200 - hey, at least it's a tax write-off - but it validates this pipe dream that I had that Bruce Springsteen and the legendary E Street Band were headlining freakin' Bonnaroo (BOSSaroo? BonnaRUUCE?) this summer! New Jersey 'Roo domination is the ultimate hype generator around here, so for that we give this one 3 Jersey Fists (if only because the videos themselves really are nothing new) as we are compelled to ask again, "Who's comin with me?"

Finally, Point Blank alerted us to upcoming albums that feature The Boss, which wouldn't necessarily matter one way or another except that one of those albums belongs to none other than Bernie Williams! Before Bernie became a superstar musician, he patrolled centerfield for the Dynasty Yankees, and his penchant for clutch hits launched a new era of awful John Sterling home run call nicknames. Bernie's new album "Moving Forward," due out April 14, includes a live version of "Glory Days" recorded with The Boss himself at Joe Torre's Safe At Home benefit in November 2007. Bruce and Bernie, the Bombers and The Boss together? Are there any 2 more dominating, legendary figures in their respective fields than Springsteen and the Yankees? More importantly, is there any combination more apt to stir Schiff Happens into a screaming, fist-pumping lather? Bruce cedes the floor to that other Boss, as this one gets an obvious 5 Jersey Fists.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

I wanna know who got that N.A.S.A. music [we have liftoff!]

Tons to do today so could be a slow one for blogging, but let me just remind you of the only thing you need to know this morning: N.A.S.A. has launched, and we're already a day late.

If you don't know, you should have been learning along with me, because The Spirit of Apollo is going to be one of the biggest party bangers of the year. Write that down on the off chance that you didn't know already so I can take credit later, and read on for your 30-second tutorial.

N.A.S.A. (North America/South America) is a collaboration between DJ Zegon and DJ Sam Spiegel (aka Squeak E. Clean, aka Spike Jonze's brother) rooted in celebrating unity across a vast spectrum of artists. First, we heard "Gifted," featuring Kanye West, Lykke Li and Santogold (apparently now known as Santigold). Next it was "Watchadoin," which brought together M.I.A., Spank Rock, Santi, and Nick Zinner, and "Spacious Thoughts," an ethereal meeting between Tom Waits and Kool Keith. Schiff Happens was convinced after hearing David Byrne trade verses with Chuck D on "Money." Since then, we've heard even more tracks featuring The Cool Kids, Ghostface Killah, DJ AM, Scarface, KRS-One, Fatlip, Slim Kid Tre, Method Man, and even Schiff Happens favorite Ol' Dirty Bastard. “This record is about bringing the craziest combination of people together,” says Spiegel. Well no shit, Sam - mission accomplished.

In addition to the wild collaborations in the studio, N.A.S.A. have taken their concept a step further and enlisted some of their favorite fine artists, such as Marcel Dzama and Shepard Fairey (yea, that guy) to produce 5 interchangeable album covers which will all come with the album. The beatmakers then paired their artist pals with animators to create some fantastic music videos for songs off of Apollo. Check out the different covers here.

You can pick up your copy of The Spirit of Apollo at iTunes, Amazon, and purveyors of fine music everywhere, via Anti-. For now, enjoy a little taste with these videos.

N.A.S.A. "The Spirit of Apollo" Trailer

"Money" ft. David Byrne, Chuck D, Ras Congo, Seu Jorge & Z-Trip

"Hip Hop" ft. KRS-One, Fatlip, & Slim Kid Tre

"The People Tree" ft. David Byrne, Chali 2na, Gift of Gab, & Z-Trip

N.A.S.A. Previously on SH:
No- No- No more work this week! [Friday Jams]
More tunes! aka Where the F are my Friday Jams?
To all my people who don't wanna go to work [Friday Jams]

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

I'm tweetin' n****s like Shaquille

The Deisel. The Big Aristotle. Kazaam. Shaq Fu. Neon Bodeaux. The Man of Steel. The Big Shaqtus.

One man, many names, bigger than life. He is simply "Shaq." And aside from my man-crushes on The Captain and The One Singletary, Shaquille O'Neal may be my favorite athlete on the planet. While I'm stuck watching the A-Face lie about steroids when I should be watching A.J. and CC report to camp (pretty sure I got those initials right with the periods), it was surprisingly nice to watch Shaq during All Star weekend. Shaq has grown old in basketball years, and I have grown up with his career. As happens so often in life, perhaps the more I've grown accustomed to Shaq always being there, always saying something provocative or dominating some poor, helpless opposing center, the more I've taken Shaq for granted.

I remember turning 10 and taking Nana's birthday cash to the local baseball card shop - what ever happened to Jack from Lori & Me? - and buying a Fleer Shaq Rookie. I was pissed because I had bought the Upper Deck set and he wasn't in there. Any card collectors know why? Anyway, if you were a kid like me growing up at any point in the 90s, you loved Shaq, too - and you know it. I loved the that he was incredibly athletic for a guy his size, but because of how huge and strong he was, his highlights always had a jarring quality. He was raw power on the court, and his game was to go around, over, or straight through his opponents until their will to defend was simply demoralized. I also loved the life-sized Shaq cutout at the shoe store, which displayed his massive Reeboks.

The purpose of this post, though, is not merely a trip down NBA Memory Lane. While I may be guilty of Deisel deification, and the prime of his career has obviously passed him by (16 seasons will do that to you I guess), you still gotta love Big Shaq. He's a gregarious, quotatious character, a champion on the court who understands his role off of it. Watching Shaq dance around (see below), pull off playground tricks, and even share the MVP with Kobe in possibly his last All Star game just made me feel good. You wanna fight about it? The Shaq dominates in so many ways. He clowns around. He raps (badly). He acts (worse). He dances. He dominates. He pontificates. He has fun. He studies. He gives. Mostly, HE GETS IT. (Doesn't get it).

Shaq can do no wrong, and it is for this reason and this reason only that I'm announcing my allegiance to the Big Tweet alongside his legion of followers. Just as Steve Nash was convinced by the Deisel, I'm announcing that I am now one of Shaq's twitterputians, and would love for you all to follow me at THE_REAL_SCHIFF. I'm still only a little bit clear on why and how Twitter exists, and I dont know what will happen out in twitterland, but if I can keep it half as real as the Shaq Daddy, then I'll consider it a job well done. Given I could fit into half of his size 23s, I think this is a reasonable goal.

So thank you, Shaqille Rashaun O'Neal. I assume you read every single one of your 104,07 followers' updates, so I hope you appreciate this homage. And now, with no particular theme or reason, please to let you enjoy some of my favorite Shaq videos:

"Vlade are you stupid? I'll tell you time again..."

Alright, so Shaq definitely likes to talk smack, but wouldn't you? Plus, he has the ringtone downloaded on his phone for the sole purpose of dissing Vlade Divac.

"Kobe, tell me how my ass taste"

Speaking of smack talk.... Shaq sort of disses my all-time favorite Knick in this one (it's cool, Patrick, your nostrils still dominate Shaq's), but had I been there, I probably would have been the loudest idiot shouting along, "Kobe, tell me how my ass taste." Clearly I made up for not being there by singing that line to people all summer long. And how about the lyrical gem, "I love em, I don't leave em. I got a vasectomy, now I can't breed em?"

"What do you know? Shaqtus"

Scrabble is one of my favorite games and this one gets me no matter how many times I see it. I will say that line whether it's an appropriate reference or not, just because it cracks me up (Shaq has been in a bunch of the ESPN NBA RV commercials, and they are all funny in their own right, but this one is tops for me. For a full compilation, peep this).


You can debate whether or not the NBA was going over the top to shill for Gatorade by including the Jabbawockeez - or if you're Craig Sager, the "Wokka Jobbeez" - in the All-Star introductions (although I happen to like the Gatorade "Quest For G" comercials, being a Monty Python fan and citing the aforementioned Jetesy man-crush, so I'm all cool with it). What you can't debate is the power and glory of a 7-foot, 325-pound man ripping off his warmup pants and doing the robot while wearing a mask that barely covers half of his face. Even after 16 seasons, Shaq can still bring the unexpected. And for a guy that size, he really can move.

Monday, February 16, 2009

And God said, "Now batting, the shortstop, Number 2, Derek Jeter...Number 2"

Yankees PA announcer since 1951, Bob Sheppard, aka the Voice of God, was sorely missed last season in the final year at the Old Stadium. Not only was he replaced with a bogus impersonator who, though serviceable, was no match for Bob's eloquence, but his absence seemed clouded in mystery. Everyone you spoke to at games had the same questions: When will Bob be back? Will he be back at all? What, exactly, is even wrong with him? Finally, it seems we've got some answers.

Courtesy of River Ave Blues commenter Artist formerly known as 'The' Steve (no relation), it's my pleasure to give to you Mr. Bob Sheppard! Ed Randall had the man, the myth, the legend on WFAN yesterday, and the Voice of God spoke to the people about his health, his hopes to return this year, his time with the Yankees, and his stamina. "I love that word, 'stamina.'"

And we love you, Bob. Get back to 161st and River Ave soon. So good to hear that voice again.

Originally found on River Ave Blues - A New York Yankees Blog

Sean Singletary, No. 44, the Greatest Hoo I Ever Knew

College hoops has been a major disappointment for me this season, and the general ineptitude of my beloved Wahoos is a major reason why. Despite this, Sunday night was a great night for Hoos everywhere, and not just because we somehow managed to pull our shit together and rally for an overtime win against #12 Clemson (no, really, it happened). No, Sunday night was great because The University managed to do something right in the sporting arena (almost as surprising as the win) and honor the greatest UVA athlete I have ever seen by retiring Sean Singletary's number 44 at halftime. I say they got this one right because less than a year ago the athletics department retired his "jersey," in a practice that I don't really understand. I guess the idea is that you don't want to just start retiring numbers all over the place, especially in basketball where there are fewer numbers available to start. However, Sean Singletary is one of the greatest ballers ever to strap on the navy and orange, and every bit deserving of his new Virginia Basketball Hall of Fame status. Few players could hold Sean's jock, let alone wear his number.

If not greater than Big Ralph - three-time national player of the year is sort of ridiculous - Sean is Wahoo 1-A. I can remember watching him in his first game ever in the last days of a slowly dying University Hall and being reminded of a young Allen Iverson. Not just because he was about AI's size - maybe 6-feet on his tiptoes - or because he hailed from Philly (AI was still a 76er at the time), but because the kid played at such a high speed yet with such confident ease that we instantly knew we had a player who could take over any game at any time. Call it revisionist or hindsight, but you weren't there - one spin move in and we knew it. A behind-the-back dime moments later confirmed it. Still, it wasn't just the slick moves and quickness - the biggest similarity between Sean and The Answer is that for both players, their huge hearts and, for lack of a better word, cajones, far outweigh their spritely stature. When you watch these guys play, you can see the emotion on their faces. They're going to bounce back after every hard slam to the floor on a drive to the lane and keep driving for more; they're going to demand the ball and confidently drain a bucket in the waning moments when their team needs them most; and they're going to send you home happy knowing that, win or lose, Big Dance or "Barely-qualifies-as-a-consolation-round" unknown tournament they bled every ounce of their being onto that parquet floor.

Everything is so stats-centric these days that I find people don't like hearing about players in these terms. During his tenure at UVA, I found that Sean was inexplicably underrated, if not regarded at all, by many college basketball watchers. I guess that's what happens when every other ESPN college hoops promo shows Dickie V crowdsurfing over a gang of blue-and-white painted trolls Cameron Crazies. Regardless, the fact is that Sean Singletary is a winner. However, if you still want to be a dick about it, here are some things you ought to know about No. 44:
  • As a freshman, $$ was the only Virginia player to start every game during the 2004-2005 season, and was selected to the All-ACC Freshman Team. That year he averaged 10.5 points per game and 3.9 assists per contest, ranking first among ACC freshmen in assists and steals, second in minutes played and third in scoring.
  • Singletary was selected to the 2007-2008 1st Team All-ACC for the third consecutive year, joining Bryant Stith and the aforementioned Sampson as the only Wahoos to be named all-conference three times. Yes, that's three times. Look it up when you want to act like Ty Lawson was better.
  • On March 9, 2008, against the University of Maryland, Singletary scored his 2,000th, and went on to finish his career as the fith-highest all-time scorer in school history with 2,079 points. He also joined greats Johnny Dawkins and Danny Ferry as the only three players in ACC history to record 2,000 career points, 500 career assists, and 400 career rebounds; adding his 200 career steals makes him the only ACC player to ever record each of those four milestones. Read it again. Only one.
Not only is Sean trouble on the court, but he's a gentleman and a scholar off of it. He comes from a great family and in my lone meeting with him he was as interested in asking me what I had been up to since graduation (dude is only 2 years younger than me after all) as I was in telling him that he's the best I ever saw in a UVA uniform. He did try to mess with us, though, as he told us that the only way he'd take this picture was if his "Momma" and "Baby Momma" were in it too. I'll leave you to speculate on which is which, but I'll tell you that neither of those women is Sean's mom and I'm pretty sure he has no children, despite the fact that he is on an NBA roster.

This post is getting long and I've definitely man-crushed enough for one morning, but I would be remiss if I failed to mention what will probably go down as Sean's single greatest career highlight: hitting the game-tying and game-winning baskets in a 68-66 overtime victory at home over Duke on February 7, 2007 in the first year of the incredible new John Paul Jones Arena. The Hoos rode Sean and backcourt mate J.R. Reynolds to a 4-seed and a first-round win over Albany in the NCAA tournament that year, and came within a Singletary rim-out three of the Sweet 16. At the time of the Duke game I was living in Stamford and as such watching at home all by my lonesome, so I decided to keep a running diary of the night's events. It was one of the best coincidences of my sport-watching life that the game turned out to be the most epic UVA hoops win I've ever watched, and I offer it to you below in honor of the greatest Hoo I ever did know. Sean Singletary, Number 44, here's to you. Wahoowah.

So my roommates went out to bars and after about 5 minutes of talking to myself and screaming at the TV, I decided I needed to get my thoughts down on paper or risk losing my sanity to UVA basketball. What follows is my running account of the game, seen through my eyes from my couch in Stamford, CT. Enjoy, boys, and polish up those dancin' shoes! A classic win, the best I've ever seen!

February 1, 2007

9:22 Following a huge Sean Singletary 3 – during which I ran out of the room with my fist in the air in anticipation of the make while the ball was still in flight – I decide to keep a running diary of tonight's game against Dook, because talking to myself is going to get old real fast. Wait. Already did.

9:24 ESPN cameras find a great sign: "American Express: My Life, My Card, My Refs." $35,000 a year goes a long way.

9:26 A bogus bank shot – which was clearly not called – by Paulus prompts the following comment from Mike Patrick. "That's the mark of a great player." Even without Vitale the commentary is nauseating. This is of course followed by Jason Cain missing a dunk. J.C. may be my homeboy, but things are not looking good.

My analysis of the early-going: Frenetic pace. The Hoos are pumped, but maybe too pumped. We need some of these shots to start going in and we'll be okay.

9:27 Cain stuffs a dunk over McRoberts, who comes right down on the other end with a runner, and one. I hate Dook.

9:31 ESPN reminds me to tune in to its three-hour Super Bowl edition of NFL Countdown on Sunday. Three hours? THREE HOURS? How many gallons does Chris Berman sweat in three hours? And how does Micheal Irvin last three hours without his crack pipe? Honestly, does anyone need three hours of these guys?

9:33 Doris Roberts chimes in with her first useless tidbit of the night, describing Gerald Henderson's athletic induced asthma. Is it wrong that I want to see Gerald Henderson go into an asthmatic spaz session at center court? Come on Coach K, leave him in!

9:34 Big shot by Sean followed by great D – let's close the gap. Reynolds can't seem to get anything to fall early. Unbelievable.

9:38 HOW MANY IN-AND-OUTS ARE WE GONNA HAVE? Now we're down 11, this ain't good

Gotta love how ESPN slurps the NFL all year but still tries to play it off like there's no such thing as football with the "Sundays are for bowling" ads. Besides, won't I miss hour 6 of the 12 hour Super Bowl pregame show if I tune in to the Denny's PBA Tour?

Says Carl Ravech, "Everyone knows what Thursday means – we're throwing down at the half." Really? Everyone knows? I didn't know. Can someone help me out here?

9:44 Too many easy buckets for the Pukies, we could be in trouble. Nice bailout by the ref on a blocking call against the Poo Devils for a change.

9:45 Huge Diane 3 (Huh-Yuge, as Mike and the Mad Dog would say). What a dish by Sean. Stay, Sean, Stay!

ESPN Just showed the replay of the Clemson Comeback. Did that really happen? Really? Seriously?

2 minutes to go in the half, this one's getting away from us. We need a bucket.

9:48 Great sell by Sean on the McRoberts foul. The kid does it all! Stay, Sean, Stay!

Lars hits a free throw, (***gratuitous joke about girl we knew who had relations with Lars, the Lithuanian Nightmare***). Should have been our ball out of bounds off the miss. I hate Dook. Did I mention this already? Great D to end the half, and we're down 7.

9:53 Yes, halftime! I get to find out what "Throwin' it down on Thursday" is. Finally, I get to be in the loop!

10:10 Great halftime phone call to the RossMan. "It's great that 2,000 kids couldn't get in, but who are these other 8,000 assholes that didn't request a ticket?" I love you, Rich.

Diane sinks a 2 to open the half, and we're underway.

Unfortunately, my halftime conversation with Rich prevented me from refilling my Jack. Keep in mind I'm watching the game by myself. Come on, TV timeout!

10:11 Mamade! (I'd elaborate, but that's all I have written down)

10:13 UVA gets hosed on a BLATANT intentional foul no-call. Did I say I hate Dook? J.R. sinks em and the crowd is back into it. DE-FENSE! YES!

Mike Patrick just said, "Tunji Saroye just got a facial" (on a Singletary pass that he just was absolutely unprepared to catch). I still don't understand who Tunji took a facial from to stay on our team.

10:14 One of my favorite TV sports moments, the clearly audible student, "Buullllllllshiit, Buuuuuulllllllshiit!" chant. The booth can't censor it and the announcers have to pretend like they don't notice. Live TV ladies and gentlemen!

10:15 Seriously, can I get a TV timeout? Oh, there it is. Thanks.

10:18 Aaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnndddddd we're back! With nuts! And just because I bit this idea off of Simmons, "This is ouuuurrrrr couuuunnntry!"

10:19 J.R. misses and we lose the ball. The nuts might have to go back, I'm giving it one more possession. A.J. for 3 – brick. Sean is short on the jumper – put the nuts away already!

10:22 Things are getting sloppy. Maybe if I eat the nuts… Yes! J.R.! And Dook wants to talk it over.

10:23 We're halfway through the second half and there still hasn't been any sign of the Doris Roberts sideline b.s. about how great Coach K is at sucking dick – I mean, leading his players through adversity. Hey, it's a tough life trolling for pussy at Dook when you're trolling among trolls.

10:28 HUH-YUGE THREE, J.R.!!! We're down 1, we need to chill out and play D. Commercial break. Oh God.

10:31 Why do they do these "30 at 30" things? Show me live basketball, damn it!

10:34 We're spending too much energy playing from behind. We can't miss second chances and then let them score. Sean is on the bench, oh Christ, let us stay in this thing. Wasn't a long break, only one sip of Jack and he's back!

10:36 Classic Duke: A sure shot clock violation turns into a tip-in 2, followed by McRoberts whining for a jump ball on a blatant foul. Do I have to say it again? Eh, why not – I hate Dook.

10:38 So, Nike's new "Second Coming" commercial begs the question, does anyone in the NBA not wear Nikes? Can we just change the Logoman to a Swoosh and be done with it?

10:39 Okay, we're down 3, let's get a basket. NASTY screen by Cain - Singler=Wile E. Coyote full-speed into painted tunnel on mountainside. J.R. hits three huge free throws and we're tied! JPJ, if you hate Dook STAND UP!

10:41 Naturally Duke hits a quick 2 and 3, and we have no answer. Don't let it slip away now…

10:44 Offensive foul! Some guy called Lance Thomas has fouled out for Dook with 4:57 left in the ballgame.

10:45 J.R. goes down with a cramp and Dook gets 3 free ones. Unreal.

10:47 McRoberts, and one. Trouble. Can one game drive one man to alcoholism? The limits are being tested.

10:50 J.R. clearly called that bank, and it's 59-53. Mamade steal! And why not? I hate Dook. J.R. hits 2 free throws and it's 59-55.

10:54 Our ball! Time out UVA, and I think I just sack-tapped myself celebrating the turnover. Damn, right in the babymaker. I need more Jack!

10:55 ESPN shows the replay of Clemson-Duke. All together now… I HATE DOOK! J.R. goes to the line, 2 more free throws and it's 61-57. DE-FENSE!!

With 1:34 to go, its UVA ball. Can I overemphasize how much we need a hoop? Coach K doesn't like the foul – Well we don't like you, Ferret! (For the Rossman). J.R. at the line again… 2-for-2, 61-59, is he clutch or what? Seriously, I really might stroke out.

U-V-A! (Clap) U-V-A! (Clap)


11:01 55.2 seconds left, Coach K wants time, and the diary might have to rest for the last minute of regulation. The running journal has kept me surprisingly calm – well, either that or the Jack. But fuck it, Go Hoos! IF YOU HATE DUKE STAND UP! (Right on cue, the students at JPJ start the "Stand Up!" chant).

11:03 Here we go.

(Moments later) Oh my God! Good D by Cain? Lucky miss? WHO CARES, IT'S OVERTIME, BABY! I'm out of breath – I literally might pass out, and there's nobody here to take care of me. The phone rang during Dook's final possession (the girlfriend, naturally) and I almost threw up. I'd honestly do Sean Singletary right now (Maybe I should have kept that between me and the diary).

11:07 We win the OT tip. It's nothin'-nothin,' let's go!

11:09 Cain fouls out, I might pass out. Who's gonna board for us? Apparently a white guy named Pettinella. Paulus at the line for 2… Tie game, Reynolds is cramped up again. Somebody fix it NOW!

11:11 Offensive board, MAMADE! Pettinella foul and McRoberts hits 2 of 2 from the line. Somebody just punch me in the face.

11:12 NOW some guy named Lance Thomas fouls out. At least Mike Patrick is getting paid for keeping me up to date.

11:14 Holy shit, this guy (Pettinella) shoots free throws like Chris Dudley on acid.

11:15 Wow, I thought that Paulus three was down. T-O Lei-tao. Huge possession coming up, let's get J.R. back in there!

11:16 Patrick finally acknowledges that UVA's play is no fluke. I'm sure Vitale would have made the same remark.

11:17 Oh no, Mamade! Henderson to the line, come on asthma attack! Yes, he bricks the second, tie game with 1:46 to go! Sean follows with an "Oh Shit" airball, but Lars plays great D on the other end. Yes, Lars. What? Seriously, Lars! (***more gratuitous jokes at the same girl's expense***). J.R. is in pain again. Not good, Dook ball, less than a minute to go.

11:20 Coach K calls time with :08 on the shot clock, I'm out of Jack and I want my mommy. J.R. is done, oy.

11:22 UVA can hold for the last shot, somebody bring me a cold compress. I'm actually surprisingly calm, considering that I'm writing to myself, talking to myself, and watching by myself. Oh, Jack, you're truly a great friend. I'm gonna leave for the last possession, stay tuned….

11:27 SEAN! FROM HIS ASS! ARE YOU KIDDING? I just had an aneurysm all over my living room. I feel like I just ran a marathon. Get out the dancing shoes, boys! From Rugby Road to Vinegar Hill we're gonna get drunk tonight! I can't say enough about that win, I have tears of joy in my eyes. Good night, Charlottesville, enjoy the celebration. One more time, I hate Dook.

But, damn, do I love those Wahoos.

Thanks for the memories, Sean. And if you're still with me, here's the video:

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Brett and Jemaine sing for love

I'm not much for Valentine's Day, but I do love me some musical comedy. So here now are my top Flight of the Conchords love songs. When you break it down, there's something for everyone you may have encountered this weekend.

"The Most Beautiful Girl"

This one is for your first encounters. The first daters or the like-minded singles whose eyes meet across the crowded bar or party. If you're lucky, your friend Dave won't mind if you make a move, and she'll be impressed with your dance moves. Then you can share a kebab with the most beautiful girl you've ever seen with a kebab (and possibly the most beautiful girl on the street, depending on the street), and maybe even take her back to your place. Just remember to pay for the cab.

"If You're Into It"

Isn't young love beautiful? When you're first dating, things are so hot and new and fresh that you're willing to try just about anything. For many guys, Valentine's Day is the perfect time to try and find out what your girl is into. By taking your girlfriend out to an expensive dinner and showering her with useless lavish gifts, you figure you have license to try and get her to go for something that maybe she didn't even know she was into. Of course, you'd be willing too, if you only knew that was what she's into. That's just the kind of sweetheart you are.

"Brett You've Got It Goin On"

Relationships can be hard to maintain. Sometimes you need a romantic Valentines Day to say to your special someone, "Hey babe, I still love you. You still got it goin on." These are the people you saw screaming at each other outside the bar while you waited in line for the hot dog cart on the corner. This song is also dedicated to the big groups of singles who went out last night to remind themselves that they're just as desirable as all the uppity couples, and eff them anyway because we're single and we don't need no stinkin relationship to make us happy. Sometimes it's nice to have your friends remind you that you've got it goin on - not in a gay way.


Unfortunately, most of the time you're not gonna be able to resucitate that dying relationship. You'll break things off and tell each other that it's not working out, but you really want to be friends. This will all go peacefully enough, until the next time you and your buddies walk into a party and she's there with her new beau, and you think to yourself, "He's my friend - she's not my friend." Of course, if you're lucky, things work out...

"Business Time"

...and, well, you know what happens next (after you sort the recycling of course). Because really, isn't this all anyone is really hoping for on Valentine's Day?