Monday, January 19, 2009

If you only watch one show that never should have been made this year

Big things have gone down over here at Schiff Happens since I posted earlier saying that I was going to do a better job on weekends (actually while finishing up that post). I can only assume that's karma - more to come on that soon.

As far as tonight, I can only assume you're all eagerly anticipating the season finale of Momma's Boys, which airs on NBC in just 15 short minutes. I wanted to write a whole lead-in for this and then go for the gold with my first live blog, but as I have noted, I had some business to attend to in Jersey this weekend. As a result, I'm still gonna go for the live blog (even though the odds are slim that anyone is paying attention, either to me or the show), but here's your 5 minute summary to Momma's Boys, the winner of the Schiff Happens award for "Best show that never should have been made" ever:

Essentially the premise is that 30 young women vie for the attention and love of three eligible bachelors, aptly named "Momma's Boys" because they are A). Most definitely boys, the oldest of whom is maybe 25, and B). Attached to their moms in the most pathetic ways possible. The girls live in a house with the Mommas, and in between the guys have to decide who they want to stay on through the next round. The show is fundamentally flawed in that there are no immunity challenges or real dates - everything is done in such a quick cut, snapshot fashion that the end result is a scattered ordeal with no real flow or structure. The only reason I or anyone I speak to watches is because Rob Kluge, the biggest loser of the three Momma's Boys, happens to have attended my rival high school and grown up best friends with some of my good friends. His Momma, Esther, was my little brother's nursery school teacher, affectionately known as Miss Esther (I have referred to her only as Miss Esther throughout all viewings of and conversations about the show). She's a classic Jewish mother stereotype and she's bummed because Rob is falling for a black chick. So, that's why I watch. The girls are the biggest collection of whores, C-list reality actresses, strippers and nude models ever assembled on one reality show set. The crown jewel of the skank squad is Erica Ellyson, 2008 Penthouse Playmate of the year. Clearly she's looking for true love and doesn't want to be judged, so she's waited until tonight - after forging a trusting relationship with Momma's Boy Michael's mother and wooing Florida Fireman Michael as well - to reveal her secret. So I guess that's why NBC figures you're gonna watch. Oh, and the third mom is basically the craziest racist nutjob in the history of moms. She wants no one for her lisping 21 year old college hockey player son, JoJo "The Idiot Circus Boy" Bojanowski. At first, Mrs. B was an outrageous curiosity, but that act dwindled and now she's just an annoyance who may or may not have an erotic attraction to her son. There's plenty more I could say about this incredible train wreck of a show, but it's just about 10 and time to get this show on the road.

10:03 - While NBC is going through their little recap of the show, just have to say quickly that the best line of the series came within the first hour, when one of the black bachelorettes reacted to Mrs. B's insane racism by simply saying to the camera, "Bitch are you crazy?" Since this moment, the show really hasn't gotten any better.

10:03 - Miss Esther to Rob: "You can see Camilla as much as you want - not on a date, not on a weekend." Which obviously leaves Rob tons of time to see her as much as he wants.

10:04 - Roommate predictions: Rob ends up with Miss Esther's pick, Lauren, the last remaining Jew. One roommate picks JoJo to end up with his last remaining girl, the other says he ends up with his mom. We all agree Michael bails on Erica in favor of the wholesome med student.

10:06 - Mrs. B refused to let JoJo keep more than one girl around, so while the other 2 guys are left to pick between 2 girls, JoJo is currently on a parasailing date with his mom. Says JoJo, as he and his mom continue their date at the scene of his hot steamy date with his last remaining girl, "Not gonna lie, I'm kinda creeped out right now." So are we, JoJo. So are we.

10:10 - First commercial break out-bump shows us Rob sneaking a kiss from Jewish girl and acknowledging to camera that his mom usually knows best. Damn right she does - she taught my kid brother to count and sing Hanukkah songs, she can pick out a girl for her tooly son.

10:12 - Back from commercial, Rob and Lauren the Jew take a jeep ride down to a romantic lagoon. Lauren says eff this conversation bullshit, I'm goin in for a piece of this big Jewball. Makeout city. Rob admits in the voiceover that his mom was pushing a great girl in his direction, and cops a handfull of Jew ass as the waves break.

10:13 - Rob makes up for weeks of getting nothing with more passionate makeouts. Rob reveals that he went to bed last night thinking about Camilla and woke up (in a strange wet spot) thinking about Camilla. Commercial break.

10:18 - Michael and Erica "Penthouse Pet of the Year" Ellyson board an absolutely gorgeous yacht for a romantic date at sea. The announcement is coming, but before she completely ruins his entire decision making process, Erica assures Michael that she wants a family and would absolutely settle down with him. "Tell me more about your modeling life." Oh yea, the bomb is about to drop.

10:21 - Michael carries Erica off the yacht onto the beach, with both wearing different outfits than the ones they started the date wearing. I thought this was only supposed to be a three hour tour?

10:22 - More ocean makeouts, both Michael and Erica declare this the happiest day of their lives. Happier than when you won that Penthouse Pet of the Year award for your groundbreaking spread on vegetable self-satisfaction?

10:24 - Memento-style creepy flashback sequence as Erica gets a massage on the way back to the island, wondering how Michael and his mom are going to react to her secret. Hey Erica, if it doesn't work out, this blog has at least 3 followers who have no problem with your past.

10:29 - Another outfit change for Michael and Erica as she makes the big announcement...

10:30 - With tears in her eyes, milking her time on TV for all it's worth, Erica comes out with it. "I've done nude modeling also. I haven't done Playboy. I'm the current Penthouse Pet of the Year." Michael looks aghast and disgusted. Roommate number 2 says, "Sweeeeeeet." Michael seems specifically agog that it was Penthouse. Better than Beaver, right? No? Just me? Now he's freaking out because she forged such a strong relationship with his mom, stronger than any girl he's ever been with. "I feel completely lied to," he says in an iso on-camera.

10:33 - Back from the date, now it's time for Michael's Momma to learn the news. Looks like someone just ran over her cat when she finds out. Roommate number 2: "It's just a vajeen."

10:34 - Michael's mom doesn't feel any different about Erica. Hot damn I hope Momma Schiff is watching. You know, because then I could finally bring home all those playmates I've been dating that I've had to keep a secret.

10:35 - Michael's mom acknowledges that she's kinda full of shit, considering she hated on a previous girl who eventually got the boot because of her nude modeling past.

10:37 - My friend Jess from UVA just IM'd me to ask if I knew Rob. After I explain the extended connection, she replies "Not really that cute."

10:38 - Text message I just received which officially tops any joke I will come up with for the next 20 minutes: From Goldsmith, "Mrs b drops the bomb in the last 10 min... 1978 miss nude Iraq." Damn it, now I'm mad at myself

10:40 - More great drama between Rob and Miss Esther. "What's right is what's gonna make me happy," Rob says. "No, it doesn't matter." That's motherly love.

10:43 - Michael and his mom are having the Erica conversation. Michael asks his mom a question that every man must ask his mother at some point, "Have you ever seen a Penthouse magazine?" Roommate #2: "I guess it's more than a vajeen."

10:44 - Mrs. B is sobbing as usual. Not the kind of sobbing that you empathize with, either. The kind of obnoxious, constant, unnecessary sobbing that makes you want to smack someone.

10:47 - Looks like elimination time. Roommate #1 says Rob gets to go first because nobody cares. I was gonna steal his joke and claim it as my own, but instead I'm just gonna say I really agree. Just noticed that Camilla is like 6'5". Rob does come from a high school with a storied women's basketball history, maybe he was always kind of into them. He proves that was just a phase, though, and chooses Lauren. Camilla says "He damn near cried in my ear. I know he'll be callin me." Camilla, if you're still single, forget this dude. If you're looking for a Jew to take care of you, just know Manalapan rules.

10:50 - Michael's turn. The other girl he's deciding between, Amanda the trilingual med student, is wearing the tightest yellow dress in a really nice piece of point-of-purchase strategy adjustment.

10:51 - Michael recalls the time when he and Amanda grew closer - attempting to keep Rob alive when he passed out during a challenge on the first episode and eventually had to be taken to the hospital. Camilla, you see what I'm talking about here? You SAW this happen! Call me.

10:52 - Michael chooses Amanda - the yellow dress works! Erica seems pretty upset, but at least she still has her million dollar vajeen.

10:53 - JoJo tells us he's either going home with Mindy or going home with his mom. Yikes.

10:54 - "If I don't do what my mom wants, I'm gonna be lynched. She's gonna have my balls hanging from her rearview mirror." Girl from episode one, you might finally have some competition for line of the series.

10:55 - Classic reality tv faux pas as Mindy interrupts an elimination to stand up for her feelings and eliminate herself. Absolutely killing me Mindy. I'd be bummed to watch her and her personalities walk away forever.

10:57 - JoJo comes back with the classic reality script-flip and brings Mindy with him anyway. Mr. B is storming out, she says she has a broken heart. She really may have a thing for her son. I'm more than a little creeped out.

10:58 - Animal House style subtitles tell what happened after the show: Mrs. Be politely declined therapy... for her rampant racism or potential incestual love for JoJo, we'll never know. Erica's Penthouse contract expired and she reconnected with Lorraine, who says they'll be friends for life. Jess wants to know if I think they've had sex. I love this show. And finally, the star himself: "Rob went home early... alone." I think that one speaks for itself. At least Miss Esther got what she wanted, which is what I was rooting for all along. Roommate #2 has switched the channel to the Chinese restaurant episode of Seinfeld, one of the best episodes of possibly the best TV show of all time. That is until the inevitable Mrs. B spinoff, of course. I'm proud of myself for making it through this thing (both this liveblog and the series itself). See you for the reunion show.

1 comment:

Nomahhhhhhhhhh said...

Rob better of called Camilla when he got back... then again, who leaves a weekend in paradise with a hot chick?

amateur hour right there