Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band - "Songs From The Promise"

Alternately titled, "Please-Oh-Please-Announce-A-Tour-Already!! Of The Day."

I haven't even watched this yet but I'm posting it here for you and I don't believe I need to explain why.



Endless Fist Pumps.

Happy Bruceday!

The Boss is 61 today, and I can only hope that someone saw fit to give him a gift as beautiful as the one he gave to that lucky photographer and couple whose engagement shoot he photobombed earlier this week (Stories like this remind us once again that Bruce is the coolest, and the Jersey Shore is magical). I have no idea what you get for the man who has everything, but my Springsteen birthday wish would probably be that someone give him that beard and hat back. I'll be sure to buy him a cone if I spot him out at Jersey Freeze tonight. At the very least, can we finally get this guy a fuckin' elevator? He's fuckin' sixty(-one)!

I guess all I can say is, "Here's to you, Boss Man." I'd wish you another 61 years, but we all know that wouldn't matter, because legends never die. So in the spirit of gift-giving, thanks for giving me the greatest gift of all at Bonnaroo last year. (You know there's no way I could pass up a chance to post this video again).

Does the Jersey Shore have a Shark Situation?

First Humpbacks, now sharks? Snooki's gonna need a bigger boat.

Alright, so it's not the Matawan Man-Eater of 1916 that inspired Jaws, but there have been three shark sightings this week along a five-mile stretch of beach in Ocean County where Schiff Happens and Co. can often be found every summer. But rest easy, friends! The 21-year-old hungover lifeguard says there's no need to fear:

"Yes, there are really sharks out there," Seaside Park lifeguard C.J. Ratshin, 21, wearily told the one of the "tons of people coming up and asking if the sharks will eat them."

Raising his voice to be heard over news helicopters buzzing the beach in vain attempts to spot the long-gone sharks, Ratshin told bathers, "the sharks won’t eat you if you don’t step on them."

Well then. Carry on.

I can only assume that the Jersey Shore sharks out there have been reading The Sexy Armpit this month and saw their shot at the spotlight. Either that or they're getting ready for Shark Week like the rest of us. Speaking of which, how badly do you wish you worked in the Discovery Channel building right now?

ZOMG It's a New Jersey Humpback!

And I don't mean Snooki. HEYOOO!!

FOR REALZ you guys, whales down the Jersey Shore. Amazing!

Saw it at fuckyeahnj. Pics and video via The Jersey Shore Online.

Newark: A Great Place to Visit...If You're A Bullet

Just in time for Memorial Day, from the New Jersey Department of Tourism: Still unsure of your holiday weekend travel plans? Head on out to picturesque Newark! It's totally safe to visit - We just had our first murder-free month in 44 years!



Welcome to Newark!
Homeless people, hookers, and crack bums
There's nowhere they won't poo.

Props to The Sexy Armpit. Always doing Jersey proud, Jay.

Live from New Jersey: The Freakin' Super Bowl!

On a day that had already brought us an unprecedented collision of Jersey icons, we got some even bigger, fist-pumpin-er, Garden State news when it was announced that the Super Bowl would be coming to the Meadowlands in 2014. New Jersey was already home to everything that was ever great in America, so this was only natural and a long time coming.

Which exit? How about that one, smartass?

Some will whine, "But what about the weather?"

What about you shut your freakin face? This is football! What, is your vagina gonna freeze?

Some will cheer, "The Greatest Game in the Greatest City! NYC 2014, baby!"

But make no mistake, this is New Jersey's Super Bowl. New York might host the parties and (hopefully) the victory parade, but everyone knows that the Giants and Giants Stadium are New Jersey. Period, end of sentence. And yeah, that's Giants Stadium. You can stick your $500 million naming rights where the sun don't shine... South Jersey.

Worlds Are Colliding! [Needs More Bruce]

Just saw this headline on NJ.com that nearly blew my mind:

Did Bruce Springsteen stay at the MTV 'Jersey Shore' house?

New cast-mates enjoying the infamous hot tub?

Could it really be? Did these two great New Jersey institutions and Schiff Happens favorites come together at some point this winter? The video in the article gives us only a thinly veiled, winking acknowledgment from the Seaside Police Chief that The Boss may have visited the house, so I'm gonna bet that it didn't happen on account of the world didn't explode. However, if these allegations are true, does this make the Jersey Shore house Springsteen's most famous residence since 7 1/2 West End Court? Did he get any classic songwriting done like he did back in that little Long Branch house?

"Well, Paulie D and The Situation well you know they're gonna be there.
Sloppy Snooks, RonRon, and Vinny they'll be comin' up for air..."

One thing we do know for certain: The Guidos got hoagies. Also, is there a more Situation sandwich than baloney, cheese, and mayo? I'm so glad this show is almost back.

Wherein I See Phish and the World Series for $5 Total [Rest Of 2009]

We're coming down to the wire and there's no time to lose, so here's the rest of The Best Rest Of 2009.

A few months after the most glorious concert experiences of my life, a friend of mine was offering around extra tickets for the last leg of Springsteen's tour, which included a mini-residency at Giants Stadium. These concerts would be the last for Bruce in the venue that vaulted him into worldwide arena rock superstardom, as the new Giants Stadium (and I'll be calling it that regardless of whatever corporate name gets stickered all over it, so deal with it, Jets fans) is set to open in 2010. Clearly I had to be there and jumped at the chance. I was met with an interesting choice: General Admission floor seats for the second-to-last night, or 100-level seats for E Street's last ever Giants Stadium show? For some, it seems like a no-brainer. Go for the tour and stadium closer, where the band is bound to pull out all the stops and, given the historical significance of the venue, there may even be a special guest or two. However, recall my Bonnaroo epiphany and you'll see why I made the choice that I did. It simply had to be the floor. After being so close to The Boss that I could see the sweat flying off of his pumping Jersey fists, there was just no way I was opting for the seats, even if it meant gambling that the second-to-last E Street show at Giants Stadium would measure up to the finale. Observe below to see why I clearly made the right choice.



My favorite part about this is that more than once in the video you can clearly hear me muttering, "Where's The Boss man? Where is he?" only to have him emerge into view mere feet from our position. My second favorite part is the fact that we somehow managed to not notice the mini stage in the center of the floor just to our right until Bruce was standing on it. We were just in the right spot at the right time, and you're just going to have to believe me that it worked out that way. Oh, and 60-year-old Bruce crowd-surfing a solid 40 yards. I guess that's my third favorite part. It's the story of 2009 in a nutshell, really. All-time highlight memories sporadically cropping up amongst an otherwise murky sea of confusion and doubt.

This now puts us right smack in the thick of October, my favorite month of the year. If ever there was a saving grace for 2009, it was October. Not only did it include the aforementioned Bruce experience, but the YANKEES WON THE WORLD SERIES! If you know me or have read this here blog at all, you'll know how much the 2009 MLB Playoffs lifted up my Worst Year Ever. Some of you reading right now may have been there for this guy's birthday celebration, watching me jump for joy during Game 2 of the ALDS as A-Rod tied it with a HR in the bottom of the 9th and Teixeira walked it off with a wall-scraper in the 11th.

In the next round, I was able to score tickets for the Littlest Bro (who is ironically the biggest of we 3 Schiff Brothers) and I to see the Yanks take care of the Angels and capture their 40th pennant in Game 6 of the ALCS. Of course, our first attempt to see the game was rained out, but, as we saw time and time again in '09, out of the FAILstorm emerges a WIN. Because of the rainout, Littlest Bro was forced to head home, so myself and Middle Bro went to drop him off with our Aunt and Uncle who were heading back to Jersey after seeing John Stamos star in Bye Bye, Birdie on Broadway. That's right, folks, Uncle Jesse himself. Here at Schiff Happens, we have sung Stamos' praises before, but never did we expect to actually meet the proprietor of the Smash Club.* However, the stars aligned that night, leading to one of the greatest pictures ever taken of the Schiff Brothers.


Yes, I'm well aware that only half of my face is visible. I stand by my statement. Note to all of you out there who will now attempt to stake out the Stamos: Try to avoid saying "Uncle Jesse on 3!" just before you snap the picture. Ask Littlest Bro about it.

As October turned into November, the Yankees ended nine long years of frustration with World Series win number 27 and another parade down Broadway. Yes, I'm well aware that complaining of the Yankees "struggles" is ridiculous. I apologize for nothing. I also should probably mention that I was in the house to watch the Bombers take down the Philthadelph in Game 2 of the World Series alongside Middle Bro, which was especially satisfying since we got to chant "Who's your daddy?" at Pedro Martinez all night. Probably should also mention that it was free. Hey, I said the highs were all-timers.

The final positive of 2009 was Phish's fall tour. For the first time ever I decided to try and check out an entire multi-night run, procuring tickets for Wednesday and Friday nights at Madison Square Garden, and Saturday night at my alma mater, The University of Virginia's John Paul Jones Arena. Of course, Thursday - the one night of the four I went into without a ticket - was the night of note. I joined my friends at the bar near MSG for their pregame, and just as I was about to go do a lap around the arena to scour for an extra, the guy next to me at the bar leaned over and said, "You need a ticket? Here you go." He pulled out a mail order ticket, I managed to mutter something along the lines of, "Are you serious?" and he said, "Sure, why not? I was gonna eat it anyway. Buy me a beer and it's yours." So, for the price of the beer I was able to ensure that I saw "Fluffhead" for the first time live. I'd call that a victory. Of course, that was also the night I learned that Jonathan Larsen, creator of RENT, died of an aortic aneurism, and didn't even have a little bit of AIDS. I'd call that a loss. A major loss. I have never felt so bamboozled in my life, and to be honest, I'm still getting over it a little bit. The story will have to wait for another time, because I'm getting emotional just thinking about it, and because quite frankly, it's 8:30 on New Year's Eve and we've all got some drinking to do.

So before you head out to whatever loft party, watering hole, or slump buster you're hitting up tonight, take a minute to view perhaps my favorite video of 2009. I call it, "How Not To Shoot a Concert Bootleg," and when you consider that this hilarious piece of pure, unadulterated FAIL was shot just moments after the incredible joy and good fortune captured in the "Hungry Heart" video above, it's the perfect sendoff for 2009, the Worst Year Ever. May 2010 be the most epic of WIN for all of us.



Happy New Year.


*Wow, definitely didn't remember that the original Stamos post was Yankees-related. Weird. Awesome.

Welcome to 2009, Now Get The F Out! [Rest Of 2009]

Alright, so the Springsteen Bonnaroo story was a little long-winded, but deservedly so I think. If you haven't already, check the Picasa stream for all the highlights of Bonnaroo '09. The general gist of the festival is there, but with so little left of this year, we've got precious little time to waste as we continue to remember the Best Rest of 2009. I can almost guarantee that the highlights of the entire rest of the year won't take up as much space as the camera story. And we're off!

So, right after we made it back from Bonnaroo, I moved downtown and was fired from a shitty job that I hated anyway for showing up late to do something I wasn't hired to do in the first place. So it goes. It was a pretty miserable experience to have to deal with, but I figured it was life's way of telling me, "You'll thank me later."

A few weeks later, the night before I was supposed to fly down to Florida to watch one of my fraternity brothers walk the plank aisle* I found myself in the hospital with appendicitis. I figured that was life's way of telling me, "Nope, you were wrong." Looking back, though, this was a great moment. It was around this time when I decided that I'd had enough bullshit negativity. From that moment on, I would devote myself to being one of those positive people I can't stand. It has been a struggle, and while I can assure you that my cynicism and penchant for hatin' will never quite disappear, I have to admit that little by little, I started to feel the whole optimism thing coming back to me. Friends and family even told me they were noticing a change, and despite being jobless and recovering from surgery to remove a useless, vestigial organ, more quality memories emerged from the Worst Year Ever. Less than a week after the surgery, I was trucking up to Saratoga to see Phish once again, relying on my brother as a personal lean-to while nearly passing out for the entire second set to wrap up Summer Tour 2009.** Next, I hit Cape May for a week of relaxation before a bachelor party and another wedding Labor Day Weekend (this time I was able to attend), making Summer Sans Appendix a success.

Allow me to pause here, if I may, during the Cape May portion of this recap, to acknowledge that while 2009 may have been the WYE, it brought us perhaps the greatest television show of the Aughts. Of course I speak of the now-legendary Jersey Shore. I'm not going to dwell on this too much, especially since Cajun Boy has done such an admirable job of keeping us up to speed on all the fist-pumping madness over at Animal NY, but isn't it fitting that 2009, which was beyond awful, gave us a show so far beyond awful that it's truly amazing? I groaned in disgust when I first learned the premise of Jersey Shore, but I'm already hoping for a second season*** and tonight's new episode is pretty much the only part of New Year's Eve that I'm looking forward to (Aside from, of course, saying "Good thefuck riddance!" to 2009. You really can't understate just how craptastic this year was).

Actually, this seems like a good time for yet another short commercial break, but chill out, Freckles McGee - The Rest Of 2009 continues momentarily. In the meantime, amuse yourself with one of the most talked about viral videos of the year below. Snooki Punch '09, never forget.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

*Another 2009 phenomenon, by the way: My friends getting married. No, I have no idea what they're thinking either. I mean, uh, Mazel Tov, guys! Many happy returns! Hope getting married questionably young during the Worst Year Ever works out for you!

**Totally worth it.

***MTV, if you're out there, I have a few friends from back in the old neighborhood that you have to meet, ASAP!

Sean Singletary still matters, even if the Hoos still suck

Much like the time I had to defend Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey, to a couple of guys who claim to be from New Jersey, on Friday night I had to defend the greatest Hoo ever to a guy I was once proud to call a fellow alumnus.

I can only attribute this to the fact that he was wasted and had just finished watching a crazy end to the first round of another NCAA Tourney bereft of our beloved UVA. It wears on you when your alma mater is mired in mediocrity, but not so long ago there were good times, of which the Rossman and I vociferously tried to remind this Wahoo wannabe. Times when a man wearing number 44 roamed the backcourt and willed the Cavaliers to glory time and time again. "That team was good!" we protested. "He was All-ACC First Team three times!" we shouted. But it felt like our former friend didn't want to hear any of it, as if all the losing and lack of direction had worn him down to the point of apathy.

After completing one of our worst seasons in recent memory and firing our head coach, those times really do feel like glory days of long ago, and I'll admit that it makes me start to wonder if things will ever turn around for the Hoos. And this is sad, because as trivial, or "jocular" like our current University President likes to say, as you think sports may be, one should never have to speculate (as Rich and I sadly did Friday night, if only for a moment) whether he will live to see his favorite sports team win a championship (or in the college hoops scheme, make a Final Four run). Sadly, right now, I'd be happy just to be still watching Wahoo basketball, even if it meant we were stuck in some meaningless, you weren't even average enough to make the NIT, consolation tournament.

I just really want to believe that it's worth it to stick with my Hoos. I wouldn't give up, but I don't view it as a choice. To me, being an alum, is akin to being married -- you're stuck in unquestioning loyalty for life. UVA will always have my love and support, but I need to know that Sean Singletary mattered, that what he achieved won't flame out for nothing and future generations of Wahoos won't be mired in the same old mediocrity.

And what do you think I found to restore my faith? That's right, the commentary of a self-righteous, obnoxious, inflammatory and 86% hilarious sports blog. Imagine how reaffirming it must be to Bradley fans everywhere to see the headline "CIT Tournament Not Completely Useless." "Because the most-thrilling endings only happen in games that aren't televised," snarkitizes Dashiell Bennett. Lofty words. True words.



Words that reminded me of another one of the greatest college hoops moments you never saw, another reason why it still matters--another reason to keep blind faith alive: The time when Sean Singletary scored 6 points in 23 seconds to put the Cavaliers into the semifinals of the innaugural College Basketball Invitational. That's right, the CBI. This happened, my friends. May you, and I, and drunken UVA alums who have forgotten what a man Sean Singletary was never forget it. Hold onto your regular boring old shoes (as opposed to the dancin' variety), because you're about to witness a great moment in pointless, made up postseason college basketball tournaments!

Will I want some moe.? [Bonnaroo Countdown]

moe. will be at Bonnaroo this year, which in all honesty would have excited me much more at my first and only Bonnaroo back in 2005. There was a time when I was as geeked for moe. as any band out there. My first ever concert New Years was spent with moe. in Camden in 2003. They played "Let It Be" to ring in 2004 as the clock hit midnight. A few months later, my moe.-crush was at an all-time peak when the band rolled into Charlottesville for a gig at Starr Hill Brewery.

I'm pretty sure Starr Hill is closed now, which is a shame because it really was the best small-ish venue around for seeing live music. The combination of microbrewery/restaurant downstairs and 500-person concert hall upstairs was the perfect party atmosphere. moe. must have felt the same vibe, because when they took the stage, they announced that they'd be playing a special all acoustic show. They insisted that they had never done so before, and if there are any PhantasyTour wonks among you, feel free to look up the stats and prove me wrong. What's more, we had staked out a spot that basically put us on the stage nearly 2 hours before showtime. I suppose we did this because we weren't yet 21 and couldn't drink, but more than likely we were just that hyped for moe. The show inevitably ended up being the classic awesome live music perfect storms. Your high anticipation is placed in a perfect venue alongside great friends, and a unique twist is put on the show that allows you to feel ownership over the experience as something only you and a handful of others got to share. The music was great, as you can tell from the set list. Our proximity actually caused a bit of a concertgoer moral dilemma, as I had to try very hard at certain points not to look at what was coming next. Of course, there was no dilemma when it came to whether or not we were going to share with our new friend, who I'll simply refer to as Animal.

The only bad thing about the awesome live music perfect storm is that you can go your whole life waiting for another one that never comes, and this is what happened to me with moe. Every time I would go to see them after that night, I'd hold the show against the standard set by the Starr Hill perfect storm. Every time, it fell slightly short. I've had great live moe. experiences since Starr Hill '04, from the time Smellson, Wurm and I had to carry our friend out of Roseland Ballroom after she passed out without even drinking, to just last year when I fist-pumped out to their rendition of "America, Fuck Yeah" July 4th at the Stone Pony while fireworks exploded over Asbury Park, New Jersey. However, none of those shows compared with that night in Charlottesville.

Tough to top being this close to the action.

I feel like I've hung around with moe. for so long that I owe it to them at this point to stop by their Bonnaroo set, but I'm old and wise enough to know not to expect anything from them that I haven't already seen at this point. Maybe they'll reach into their bag of tricks one more time, prove me wrong, and transport me back to 2004. 88 days until we find out.

Rebubula - moe.

This would finally give meaning to "The Garden State" [Medical Marijuana]

Many thanks once again to our friend the Sexy Armpit.

On Monday, the New Jersey state Senate passed a bill that "would allow patients with certain chronic and terminal illnesses to grow six marijuana plants or have marijuana grown for them at an authorized treatment center." So now all you folks from around the nation can stop asking me why the hell New Jersey is called "The Garden State."

The bill, proposed by Smellson's new favorite NJ state Sen. Nicholas Scutari, D-Linden, advanced in the Legislature for the first time by a 22-16 vote. Next, it's on to the NJ Assembly, and if the bill manages to pass into law, the noble state of New Jersey would become the 14th state to allow medical marijuana.

The article also includes a list of states I plan to move to at the end of my lease that allow medical marijuana. Move over, Montana, the Garden State is sewing the seeds for a glorious harvest! New Jerseyans, the future looks bright. Pretty soon you won't have to feel ashamed when the first thing your visitors notice upon leaving Newark Aiport is that funky smell on the Turnpike.



N.J. Senate passes bill to allow medical marijuana [The Daily Record]

Ladies and gentlemen, meet the Sexy Armpit

He loves the Beastie Boys and New Jersey. We're gonna be regular pals.

As a fan and fellow Tribesman of the Beastie Boys, I was glad to see a Jersey guy break down the relationship between the group and the Garden State. The connection is obviously much less overt than the Beasties' affinity for their home in Brooklyn, but you always had a feeling that dudes that awesome had to somehow be connected to the Dirty Jers, which I'll remind you again is the unknown cultural center of the universe.

However, I wanted to further dissect the Armpit's discussion, so I decided to do a little research and break down of all the White Castle and New Jersey references on Licensed To Ill. Curiously, there is not a single mention of Harold and Kumar's favorite burger chain on any of the Beasties' other albums. I guess it should be no surprise that Licensed was their biggest hit. Just another testament to the inspirational power of White Castle, and a lesson to you kids - no dream is too big if you set your mind to it and get all hopped up on Slyders. And now, my findings.

The Boys get right to work on the second track, "The New Style," which has the unique distinction of being the only Beastie Boys track to reference both White Castle and New Jersey.

I chill at White Castle 'cause it's the best
But I'm fly at Fat Burger when I'm way out west
[snip]
You're from Secaucus - I'm from Manhattan
You're jealous of me because your girlfriend is cattin'

They may be interested to know that Fatburger has since expanded, and currently has 1 New York location and 3 in New Jersey, including one in Jersey City, just moments away from Secaucus.

Next, two tracks with no mention of burgers or Garden States, but after that we get references in consecutive tracks. First, on "Slow Ride:"

Because being bad news is what we're all about
We went to White Castle and we got thrown out

Followed by a classic line in "Girls," a favorite of hormonally supercharged 12-year-olds since 1986:

I like the way that they walk
And it's chill to hear them talk
And I can always make them smile
From White Castle to the Nile

Three more tracks until the next White Castle mention ("Fight For Your Right," "No Sleep Til Brooklyn," "Paul Revere" - damn this album is effing awesome). "Hold It Now, Hit It!" features this little nugget:

Down with Mike D. and it ain't no hassle
Got the ladies of the eighties from here to White Castle

I have to admit, I never thought to take a girl to White Castle. I tend to go more for Wendy's types.

Now, the next track, "Brass Monkey" is a Schiff Happens favorite. However, in my years of singing along, especially with this recognizable line:

I drink Brass Monkey and I rock well
I got a Castle in Brooklyn that's where I dwell

I never thought about it this way (thanks to Beastie Boys Lyrics Annotated): "One possible (UPDATE: Sorry, this quote got whited out) interpretation comes from scoats@greylodge.com, that at the time this was written, there were no White Castles in Manhattan but there was one in Brooklyn. It could also simply refer to the fact that Yauch is speaking this line from Brooklyn, and a man's home is his castle."
Now that is some clever lyrical analysis! I always figured it was the whole "a man's home is his castle" thing, but considering this was the Beastie Boys' debut album, they weren't exactly rocking out in mansions at the time. The White Castle theory definitely has legs.

Consequently, if we're to accept the above as a White Castle reference, then "Slow and Low" marks the third consecutive track to mention the burger joint. This one happens to be my favorite Beastie Boys White Castle Reference of all time, and yes, I had already come to that conclusion long before this post was even a thought.

We got determination, bass and highs
White Castle fries only come in one size

To me, that just sums up the playful, carefree attitude that the Beastie Boys have always been so about. So what if it's a randomly placed non sequitor? It rhymes, damn it! Unfortunately, this quality may account for the lack of poetic justice that would have come with one final White Castle mention on the final track. Alas, "Time to Get Ill" makes no mention of Slyders or New Jersey, so here's your final tally.

Total White castle references: 5 or 6, depending on your interpretation of the "Brass Monkey" line. Call it 5.5
"White Castle" Frequency: 1 of every 2.36 tracks, or a whopping 42 percent of the songs on Licensed To Ill feature White Castle. After such heavy emphasis on the burger joint in their debut, why was White Castle completely abandoned in every album since? I can't say for sure, but it probably has something to do with this sneaky bugger.
Total New Jersey references: Just the one.
Total White Castle consumed by Harold and Kumar: 60 Slyders, 10 orders of fries, 4 large Cherry Cokes, 4 large Diet Cokes.

*I guess I should probably come clean and admit that even though I am Jersey through and through, I have no love for White Castle. I've been there exactly once, immediately after I saw Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, and I felt extremely dirty because 1) We were completely buying into the whole stupid ploy of a 90-minute product placement flick (don't get it twisted though, I love that movie), and 2) Have you ever actually seen a White Castle Burger?

With that, I believe this delicious dissection is over. Not sure what kind of conclusions we want to draw from this, but I'll be damned if I'm not craving me a burger right now. Just thinking about it makes me wanna burn this mothafucka down. Come on Pookie! Pretty bummed I don't have my Free Whopper coupon with me. What was I thinking not putting it in my wallet immediately? Damn it. Now what am I supposed to eat for lunch?

The Boss is back! (As if he ever left)

Bruce decided to take most of last week off and let us all catch our breath after his PR blitz leading up to the Super Bowl frenzy and the Crotch Heard Round the World (gonna be a long time before that one gets old) necessitated a massive recap of all his activities. He showed up for a minute to post his Super Bowl Journal on his official page, which alone is worth revisiting for its sheer brilliance (That's your cue to go check it out if you showed up late to the party. Don't worry, we'll still be here when you're done). Luckily, in the week since, The Boss has returned to his usual headline-grabbing, so we have a little bit more material to run through this week than a single-item recap, which I suppose wouldn't be much of a recap at all but more like a repost, which seems a bit redundant. What the hell was I talking about?

Is there anybody ALIVE out there???

Oh, right. Thanks, Boss. As I was attempting to say before I went all ADD, my Google reader was alive this week with all manner of Bruceness, so it is once again time to bring you the most fist-pumping feature in the history of these here interwebs and review the week that was in Bruce news. As per last time, we'll rate each item on a scale of one to five Rockin New Jersey Fist Pumps. Five Jersey Fists if the story makes you want to powerslide into someone's face, one Jersey Fist if the story is so miserable that you'd rather listen to Bon Jovi than read about it ::Imagines actually wanting to listen to Bon Jovi. Punches self in face with solitary Jersey Fist::
(Quick side note, I'm going to need a sweet name for these Jersey Fist Bruce Springsteen recaps if the guy is gonna keep making news. "Keeping Up With The Boss?" "Fist Week Ever?" Help me out here, people).

First things first, Pitchfork Media's interview series with up-and-coming, youngish artists about how Springsteen has influenced them has expanded and is now being hosted on Bruce's official site under the title "Hangin Out on E Street" (apparently I'm not the only one who needs help thinking of titles). Jersey guys the Gaslight Anthem, Ted Leo, Bouncing Souls and Schiff Happens inspiration Wyclef Jean - as well as some other folks who, though talented, can't say they hail from the great Garden State - talk about The Boss and then play a cover of one of his tunes. The point of the thing is to show how Bruce's influence has widened beyond the scope of mainstream rock. I've never been much for indie rock, but I'm all for this. It's just one more talking point for Springsteen fans when the non-Jersey people and the too-hip-for-you-old-man indie kids continue to fail or be unwilling to understand the magnitude of Springsteen's appeal, influence and legend. Face it, indie kids - The Hold Steady made it cool to dig Bruce, and if you don't like it, here's 3 Jersey Fists right in your face. Now wash your damn hair and put a smile on your face you miserable skinny jeans wearing fuck. (Scoring Note: This would have been a 4-Fister, but apparently BruceSpringsteen.net doesn't have much of a budget for acoustics quality control).


Next on the Bruce Watch, Springsteen debuted his video for "The Wrestler" about 2 months too late to prevent the Oscars from snubbing him for Best Original Song. I still have yet to see the movie but I truly do dig this song, and not just because it's simple enough to play that even I can strum along with it on guitar, but because I can't help but get choked up by toned-down acoustic Bruce singing sad songs about one-legged dogs and melancholy characters searching for meaning in this lonely life when society has turned its back on you. I also get emotional for run-on sentences. The fact that the Oscars so obviously effed up by snubbing Bruce and only nominating three songs is made all the more hilarious by Peter Gabriel's refusal to perform his “Down To Earth” from Wall-E in protest of the ceremony's 65-second-per-song rule. Now the Oscars are left with only a pair of Slumdog Millionaire tunes and are so desperate for performers that they've begged offered to let new mum M.I.A. perform Slumdog's "O Saya" from "some sort of fabulous bed on stage." An outdated awards show blatantly effs up and Bruce has the last laugh? That'll get you 4 Jersey Fists every time.


Meanwhile, while we were watching "The Wrestler" video, Bonnaroo posted live Springsteen videos on its web site - "Thunder Road" from Live in New York City and "Promised Land" from Live in Barcelona. There's absolutely nothing here that can't be purchased from your local public television station for a recession-friendly donation of only $200 - hey, at least it's a tax write-off - but it validates this pipe dream that I had that Bruce Springsteen and the legendary E Street Band were headlining freakin' Bonnaroo (BOSSaroo? BonnaRUUCE?) this summer! New Jersey 'Roo domination is the ultimate hype generator around here, so for that we give this one 3 Jersey Fists (if only because the videos themselves really are nothing new) as we are compelled to ask again, "Who's comin with me?"


Finally, Point Blank alerted us to upcoming albums that feature The Boss, which wouldn't necessarily matter one way or another except that one of those albums belongs to none other than Bernie Williams! Before Bernie became a superstar musician, he patrolled centerfield for the Dynasty Yankees, and his penchant for clutch hits launched a new era of awful John Sterling home run call nicknames. Bernie's new album "Moving Forward," due out April 14, includes a live version of "Glory Days" recorded with The Boss himself at Joe Torre's Safe At Home benefit in November 2007. Bruce and Bernie, the Bombers and The Boss together? Are there any 2 more dominating, legendary figures in their respective fields than Springsteen and the Yankees? More importantly, is there any combination more apt to stir Schiff Happens into a screaming, fist-pumping lather? Bruce cedes the floor to that other Boss, as this one gets an obvious 5 Jersey Fists.

PHISH! SPRINGSTEEN! BEASTIES! BONNAROO!

Well, it happened. As we kind of knew, Little Eric was right, and the initial lineup announcement for Bonnaroo ’09 means the end of mankind and my face as we know it. Mind, you’re about to be blown. It’s been great knowing you. As if confirmation of the PHISHSTEEN rumors wasn’t enough, I get to see Beastie Boys again – and I thought I was lucky to have seen them once. That’s the holy trinity of Schiff Happens: The Hippie, The Tribesman and The Boss. Plus, there really is no party like a Snoop Dogg party. Warm up the RV, I’ll bring my green hat.

So much good music I already know and love, and so much that I have heard about and wanted to get into that I will now be able to see live in concert. As glad as I am that I get to spend a bunch more money I don’t have, a twin headliner of the best two bands I’ve ever seen, period, is worth the price of admission. And by the way, with complete and total Jersey domination descending on the year’s annual keynote summer festival, this WSJ article (which I have been trying for a minute to find the right context for) is really worth noting.

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Oh yea, I almost forgot.... the lineup.

Previously:
Who decides? The Boss decides.
If I had a penny for my thoughts I'd be a millionaire [Beastie Boys]
It's (almost, ok not really but pretty much) official!
Suck It Philly: Springsteen Edition
Phish Happens? [Rumors, Speculation and Hearsay]

Saving Adolf

Missed this yesterday, but props to Karen for the tip.

You may remember my Hanukkah wish last month for an adorable but extremely unfortunately named little tyke from New Jersey to get a birthday cake with his name on it like every three year old should. Problem was, the local ShopRite felt just a tad comfortable with the cake inscription "Happy Birthday Adolf!" At the time we generally agreed that the stores were doing the right thing, and that some switch or another was obviously not flicked on in the brains of Adolf's parents, the generically named but mentally unhinged Heath and Deborah Campbell. Well, it seems that someone out in Jersey finally got the memo on these human paraquats, because Adolf Hitler Campbell and his two younger sisters, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, 1, and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell, 8 months, have been taken into protective custody by the New Jersey Division of Youth and Family Services. DYFS probably won't release too much information, and the indication is that this has nothing to do with their names, but in a way it does, because anyone who is mental enough to name their children Adolf Hitler and Aryan Nation is basically saying that they don't really mind if their kids are fucked for life. That's enough to be considered abuse in my opinion.
The report from FOX News, which cites a thankfully much funnier precedent for this kind of thing.
My only question: Should this case change my plans to name my first two children (regardless of sex) 'Mystique' and 'Aura' after the old Yankee Stadium?

Because "People You May Know" sounds nicer than "People You Don't Like"

Sorry King, but I'm jonesing for a Whopper and well, you just didnt make the cut. If I can be honest for a minute... it was the jersey.

This week has already produced a couple of mash-ups of some of Schiff Happens' favorite things in this world, but the latest such combination might also be the greatest.
First, Schiff Happens' dual loves of New Jersey and fitted fashion meet in beautiful, color-coordinated harmony. Then, hip hop meets cartoons (with a little dash of Carlton Dance for good measure). Now, there's this just in from the makers of everyone's favorite eau de beef: Burger King's "Whopper Sacrifice" facebook application, which combines my love of flame-broiled BK perfection with my passion for constantly trimming the proverbial fat from the old facebook friends list. Eliminating already-borderline-acquaintances-at-best from your virtual neighborhood, plus a free Whopper? These are a few of my favorite things...

Update: Sadly, there seem to be a few bugs in the Whopper Sacrifice system. I can only assume this is due to massive traffic, because really, who wants all those friends? Let's be honest here, questionable facebook friend. We've been keeping you around all this time because we'd just feel bad if you ever found out that you got the ax. It's just, well, up until now nobody offered us a Whopper in exchange for your feelings. We may have grudgingly accepted your friend request, but as soon as BK works out the kinks, you're as good as french fried. That's called having it your way, sucker. Now get back there and get me a WHOPPER!

Update #2: I was able to get this thing up and running and was having so much fun watching familiar facebook pics of people I don't even know literally go up in flames at the altar of the (Burger) King, that I decided to fully go through with it and claim my Whopper prize as today's lunch. Sadly, the fun of my Whopper Sacrifice came screeching to a halt once I axed friend #10, as I was asked to fill out a form and then told that my free Whopper coupon would be mailed to me...within 2-4 weeks! I'm more than a little bummed out at the moment, but I have a feeling I'll be excited a month from now when I've forgotten all about this and that envelope shows up holding my golden ticket to The King's domain.

Crank Dat Carlton Banks

Today started off with sweet fashion fitteds meeting the great republic of New Jersey. Now, even more of Schiff Happens' favorite things are being combined in beautiful fashion. This time: hip-hop and cartoons.

I'm pretty indifferent so Soulja Boy's music - I'm much more interested in seeing The Chad dressed as the teenage rapper for Halloween - and even less interested in his YouTube feud with Ice T, but kid's about to launch an online cartoon series and that means I'm at least paying attention. The inclusion of Alfonso "Yes, yes I was in Silver Spoons" Ribeiro in the first video, which serves as the show's theme song, puts it over the top. A perfect choice, given that the tune is every bit as catchy, if not moreso, than the theme song of Alfonso's most famous other show. Plus, he even does a modified version of the Carlton Dance! I have to admit I'm excited to see him in the next episode. [tellem.tv]

Schiff Happens: Uni Watch Edition

I have said many times that if I had unlimited funds I'd have a walk-in closet half a mile long specifically devoted to sneakers and fitted hats (there would definitely be some jerseys in there as well). I've also said more than a few times, often with loud, colorful language to match the apparel I so adore, that I love the great Garden State of New Jersey. Sooner or later, these passions had to cross paths, and this morning they finally did when I stumbled on this absolute treasure trove at ECapCity.com after peeping the latest from Uni Watch.

Just look at all this great stuff! Four full pages solely devoted to New Jersey apparel? That's unheard of. Bright colors, creative patterns, inventive logos - everything I love about fitteds, and all NJ originals! I may not have those unlimited funds, but at least a portion of the funds I got will be dropped on some of this gear, I'll promise you that much.

And since just as many of you like to deride my Jersey pride as are actually from the Dirty Jers along with me, you should know that ECapCity has an enormous variety of sports (all the big pro leagues, plus college and the always awesome minor leagues), teams, colors, brands and styles from the mundane to the insane for who- what- or wherever you represent. Why do I feel like an enormous portion of my day is about to be wasted?

Suck It Philly: Springsteen Edition

Yesterday we kicked off Iggle Indignity week, vowing to put those whiz-worshipping uglies in their place. Sunday's NFL Divisional Round divisional battle between the Iggs and the GGGGGMen is on Fox, but if it had been an NBC broadcast, we would have had the great pleasure of watching the defending champs lay a Sopranos-style Meadowlands beatdown to a classic Jersey soundtrack, courtesy of NBC's endless promos for this year's Bruce Springsteen Super Bowl XLIII Halftime Show. The Boss is living proof that true greatness is only achieved once you head north of the Philth on I-95. Less than a year removed from another acclaimed world tour with the unstoppable E Street Band, Bruce has already announced big plans for '09, including a headlining gig at Glastonbury (and potentially Bonnaroo as you'll recall), a Wal-Mart exclusive greatest hits compilation set for release January 13, and a studio follow-up to 2007's Magic due out January 27.

NBC has already used the upcoming album's title track, "Working on a Dream," in its NFL promos, and both of the bonus tracks, "A Night With the Jersey Devil" and the Golden Globe-nomnated "The Wrestler," have already been released as well. In addition to downloading the title track and "The Wrestler" on iTunes, you can check out two video clips for "My Lucky Day" and "Life Itself," the latter of which can be downloaded for free on Amazon (links courtesty of Stereogum, both vids are embedded below). What's not to love about Springsteen back in the studio and likely prepping another tour once the nice weather rolls around? The Boss: Just one more reason we're better than Philly.

Which brings me to possibly the most important Springsteen-related nugget available today: The Super Bowl halftime show needs YOU! Just get ten of your closest friends together, submit to a criminal background check and take a week off from work to go down to Tampa for a bunch of mandatory rehearsals. It's that simple, and you're in the building, rockin' out at halftime in front of millions with The Boss, The Big Man, Little Steven and the Mighty Max Weinberg. Of course, you don't get tickets to the game, nor do you even get to be near the building for anything other than halftime, but I'll be damned if that crowd isn't the most fist-pumpinest, authentic Jersey crew ever assembled this side of Exit 16W. That's right, I'm making the pitch. All I have to ask is, who's comin with me? Philly fans, of course, need not apply.

"My Lucky Day"


"Life Itself"