The Boss is 61 today, and I can only hope that someone saw fit to give him a gift as beautiful as the one he gave to that lucky photographer and couple whose engagement shoot he photobombed earlier this week (Stories like this remind us once again that Bruce is the coolest, and the Jersey Shore is magical). I have no idea what you get for the man who has everything, but my Springsteen birthday wish would probably be that someone give him that beard and hat back. I'll be sure to buy him a cone if I spot him out at Jersey Freeze tonight. At the very least, can we finally get this guy a fuckin' elevator? He's fuckin' sixty(-one)!
I guess all I can say is, "Here's to you, Boss Man." I'd wish you another 61 years, but we all know that wouldn't matter, because legends never die. So in the spirit of gift-giving, thanks for giving me the greatest gift of all at Bonnaroo last year. (You know there's no way I could pass up a chance to post this video again).
Like everyone else, I was overjoyed last Thursday when, after all the long months of waiting, Jersey Shore finally came back.
Okay, so calling the premiere of Season 2 a bit of a letdown would be a juiced up understatement. I still think it can be good, but it's apparent already that it might not ever again be great. That said, "I feel like a Pilgrim from the friggin' '20s washing shit right now!" isn't a bad one-liner from Snooks. Here's hoping it picks up.
Meanwhile, lost in the fist-pumping shuffle (oh shit, I think I just accidentally coined a new line dance), was the impending return of another Schiff Happens favorite, a man who never disappoints because he's better than fucking everyone. That's right - on September 26, Kenny Powers is fucking IN. And he's got a brand new endorsement deal.
Tonight, that empty space you've felt in your heart since January will once again be filled with creepin, gorillas, grenades, and of course, the business. Tonight, we beat up the beat. Tonight, tits are comin' out. Tonight - God bless me, it's fuckin summah - Jersey Shore returns for Season Two!
My fellow GTL-iens... REJOICE!
In case you forgot (although how could you have?), I've pasted your Official Jersey Shore Drinking Game rules below. I can only assume that we'll have to make some updates to the rules once we have a better sense of the Season 2 dynamic. As always, suggestions welcome. Blend up some RonRon juice and enjoy.
I'm so glad it's back.
The Jersey Shore Drinking Game, Official Rules:
1. The names of all the housemates are put into a hat and each person draws one. If you're drinking with more than 6 people, just put the names back and draw again until everyone has their housemate. When your guido talks to the camera, take a drink.
2. If anyone actually calls Snooki "Snooki," finish your drink.
4. If the housemates all sit down for family dinner, everybody does a toast and takes a healthy chug. Except for whoever has Sammi Sweetheart - she's excluded from chicken cutlet night. She also has to refill the cup of whoever has The Situation... that ungrateful Flintstone big toe havin' bitch.
5. When they fist pump, we fist pump. Any fist pumping battle scene starts a waterfall. Everyone drinks while fist pumping and doesn't stop doing either until there's no more fist pumping happening on screen.
6. And of course, no Jersey Shore drinking game would be complete without this BASEketball-inspired rule: Do a shot every time a fight breaks out!
First Humpbacks, now sharks? Snooki's gonna need a bigger boat.
Alright, so it's not the Matawan Man-Eater of 1916 that inspired Jaws, but there have been three shark sightings this week along a five-mile stretch of beach in Ocean County where Schiff Happens and Co. can often be found every summer. But rest easy, friends! The 21-year-old hungover lifeguard says there's no need to fear:
"Yes, there are really sharks out there," Seaside Park lifeguard C.J. Ratshin, 21, wearily told the one of the "tons of people coming up and asking if the sharks will eat them."
Raising his voice to be heard over news helicopters buzzing the beach in vain attempts to spot the long-gone sharks, Ratshin told bathers, "the sharks won’t eat you if you don’t step on them."
Well then. Carry on.
I can only assume that the Jersey Shore sharks out there have been reading The Sexy Armpit this month and saw their shot at the spotlight. Either that or they're getting ready for Shark Week like the rest of us. Speaking of which, how badly do you wish you worked in the Discovery Channel building right now?
Happy July, everyone! Only 28 days to get your GTL on before the guidos are back in our lives. Keep those new rules coming for the Official Jersey Shore Drinking Game and as always, watch out for grenades.
Jersey Shore returns to MTV on July 29, but thankfully we don't have to wait that long for our first look at Season 2. Courtesy of Vulture, here's the full first segment of Episode 1. Nearly 15 minutes of fist-pumping fury, highlights of which include:
Sitch Sorentino and Pauly D vs. Shnooks and JenniWoww in a road trip race to Miami. Each team of super best friends wants first pick of rooms. Only one duo will emerge victorious, presumably when the other loses control of the car while applying a fresh coat of bronzer and explodes in a hairspray-fueled fireball.
Sammi and Ronnie broke up! How completely unexpected! We did not see this coming! As they down the RonRon juice, Ronnie's boys tell him to give the other guys shit for the "double baggers" they bring home.
Snooks has a gorilla juicehead boyfriend of her very own! She cooks him dinner! ("How many balls do you want? I want two. In my face." Because she's cooking meatballs! Snookums is punny!) They are totally in love after two blissful months together and she says she doesn't want to cheat. She definitely will after a few shots of SoCo, she says, but not because she wants to.
Trashbags returns! Angelina has apparently stayed in touch with The Situation and Pauly D, who she may or may not have sexed, and is heading down to Miami for her second chance at lifelong friendships and memories reality whore superstardom. Her first stop on the road to redemption: A Brazilian wax. That'll show those jealous bitches who keeps it classy.
Snooki discovers fried pickles at a diner in Georgia. World, ROCKED.
And also Vinny was there or something.
Watch the video and get (fist) pumped. July 29 will be here before you know it, so get your GTL on and stay fresh to death. I'll be here getting some new rules together for the Jersey Shore Drinking Game. Be sure to send in your suggestions!
Recently, we heard rumors that two Schiff Happens favorites may have cosmically collided over the winter. However, while tales of Springsteen roaming the same halls as Sitch Sorentino, DJ Pauly D, and The Grenade are completely unsubstantiated, The Boss truly did appear on this favorite show of mine.
What is (the one night I fail to watch) Jeopardy?
Via Fuckyeahtheboss (again, I really can't emphasize enough the awesomeness of Tumblr), check out last night's Springsteen Jeopardy clues. How much richer would your Boss knowledge have made you? I certainly would have made it a true daily double.
Just saw this headline on NJ.com that nearly blew my mind:
Did Bruce Springsteen stay at the MTV 'Jersey Shore' house?
New cast-mates enjoying the infamous hot tub?
Could it really be? Did these two great New Jersey institutions and Schiff Happens favorites come together at some point this winter? The video in the article gives us only a thinly veiled, winking acknowledgment from the Seaside Police Chief that The Boss may have visited the house, so I'm gonna bet that it didn't happen on account of the world didn't explode. However, if these allegations are true, does this make the Jersey Shore house Springsteen's most famous residence since 7 1/2 West End Court? Did he get any classic songwriting done like he did back in that little Long Branch house?
"Well, Paulie D and The Situation well you know they're gonna be there. Sloppy Snooks, RonRon, and Vinny they'll be comin' up for air..."
One thing we do know for certain: The Guidos got hoagies. Also, is there a more Situation sandwich than baloney, cheese, and mayo? I'm so glad this show is almost back.
College basketball is over,* baseball has (finally!) begun - it's April. In what feels like a flash, we're already a quarter of the way into 2010. It's time for a look back - and a look ahead. In the spirit of my recent return to the workforce (more on that momentarily), it's time for an official Schiff Happens First Quarter Review.
Entering Q1, Schiff Happens was at a crossroads, still reeling from the epic suckfest of a year so brutal it can't even be spoken of by name. Yet out of the shitheap came a glimmer of hope, dreams of promise for a great year in 2010. There were big challenges and high expectations ahead.**
We started off Q1 by bidding a bittersweet farewell to the Greatest Reality TV Show in the History of Ever. I was high from all the hairspray fumes I inhaled getting ready for the finale party, so it took me a few extra days to let it go. Not to worry, though, fist-pumpers. Looking ahead, we should be lucky enough to have Sitch, Snooks, Pauly D and the whole gang back in our lives - hopefully late Q2, almost certainly early Q3. As if it were possible, the show will become even less Jersey, as season 2 will take place in Miami.
Another Q1 highlight: The Schiff Happens name made the jump across the pond. I was interviewed by a BBC documentary crew and poised to appear alongside such Internet royalty as Al Gore, Tim Berners-Lee and Bill Gates. However, the BBC web player only allowed you to access the show from inside the UK. Oh, sweet irony! I wondered, "If you get interviewed by a prestigious international television network for being the guy who defriended his facebook friends for a free Whopper, and nobody in America can watch it, did it really happen?" It's the age-old philosophical conundrum. However, I am delighted to report that as we enter Q2, the show has at least made its way to YouTube. Enjoy the video below and have at it in the comments.
My primary Q1 objective was always to get a job, but due to financial constraints, that missive quickly morphed into "Generate income by any means necessary." I found myself taking a part-time gig shilling sneakers in one of New York's oldest sporting goods stores, which, as part-time gigs go, really wasn't bad. Frankly, it forced me to drag my ass out of bed in the morning, shed the Snuggie of unemployment, and begin to rejoin the rest of society. In the end, I'm grateful that the opportunity came along. As always seems to be the case, my job search was a case of feast or famine, and after months of turning up nothing, contacts were being established and networks were expanding almost immediately upon starting my new role. Within a few weeks I was interviewing and, I am excited to say, accepted a brand new full-time job. I try not to to mix business with the proceedings around here, but I will say that I am working at one of the top young internet companies around right now, I'm surrounded by bright, focused people in a laid back atmosphere that encourages creativity, and am extremely well-nourished thanks to the greatest office kitchen I have ever been around.
In addition to getting me re-focused and refreshed, working in the sporting goods store also led to something of a running renaissance for me. Spending so much time around running shoes, runners and the sport of running in general inspired me to sign up for a half marathon and train seriously for the first time since my high school glory days. All of a sudden, I'm on a team for charity and committed to run the ING New York City Marathon in November. More on all this to follow in the weeks and months ahead (and trust me, there will much more because you're all going to be donating), but for now I hope you'll direct your attention to Schiff Happens' most recent side venture: Run, Schiff, Run! Follow my awesome Tumblr for every mile - if you ever run with me or come watch me cross a finish line, I'll be sure you get a cameo. Running: an unexpected Q1 development that created new goals to carry us through Q2, 3, and 4. Who knew?
In the final post of Q1, I promised a future post on Festival Season, but looking ahead to Q2 and beyond, it's simply an impossibility that Schiff Happens will be able to attend one of the most perfectly constructed festivals in recent memory (of this generation?) or make a repeat appearance at the big 'Roo, which gets ever-more enticing each time you put it away and come back to it. So what does that leave us, musically, going forward? For starters, a lot of vicarious living. I've been loving The Kickdrums' Indio Sessions mixtapes for the last couple of weeks (Day 1, Day 2) and am excited for the release of Day 3 to complete the set. We're also left with prayers for miracles. There's a less than minuscule, impossible chance that I may be in New Orleans with the new job for the last 3 days of April, positioning me perfectly for Weekend 2 of Jazz Fest. Send the good vibes my way, people!
Mostly, though, we're now charged with creating an old-fashioned summer tour out of the local shows at our disposal, unaided by a huge festival to help catch all the big names of the now. That means Lupe Fiasco (with opening act b.O.b., which, truth be told, I may be more excited for) this Saturday night at Irving Plaza. That means I'm still intrigued by the possibility of checking out newly reformed Sublime With Rome at Roseland Ballroom in May. I know it's not the same without Brad, but Sublime remains one of my favorite bands of all time and I'm willing to see what Eric and Bud have to offer with a new frontman. That means the big musical story of the summer will be Phish. Again. A year after I said 5 shows in one summer was too many, I'll be heading out to 4 in 3 cities from late-Q2 to mid-Q3 Amazing how the more things change, the more they stay the same.
The end of Q1 has brought back the gorgeous weather and Sundays in Central Park that we longed for throughout the snowy, frigid winter. We've got more than a few excellent positives to build on as we forge deeper into 2010, a year that began with such high hopes.*** The seeds have been planted and we're on the verge of greatness, now we just have to see it through. Of course, we can still improve - not a single Springsteen mention in an entire quarterly report?! - but so far, 2010, you're so money and you don't even know it.****
*Sitting down to author this post as the starting lineups are being introduced. I don't see it shaking out this way, but I really hope Butler takes down the Dookies. Wouldn't be the first time Schiff Happens looked on and blogged in amazement while an unlikely upstart took down Coach K's cake eaters.
**I'm still dreaming of a world where Butler beats Duke in the NCAA Championship. Still don't think it will happen, but the Bulldogs are putting up a fight (down 2 with the ball 8:21 to go in the 1st half)
***High hopes including watching Duke lose in the NCAA Tournament Championship Game... to Butler. Bulldogs have the ball with 13 seconds left, trailing by just 1. If this happens, anything truly is possible for us good guys in 2010. Could it be???
****Gordon Hayward just missed a potential game-winner for Butler that was nearly identical to Sean Singletary's game-winner vs. Duke in the game referenced above. Freakin' Duke. At least Singler got trucked on the final play. This game is over, and this post needs to be too. G'night, Canada!
I believe that's DJ Pauly Polka in the center, rocking the first ever blowout. And there's Claus Von Situationsteinn right up in his grill - a truly epic moment in photography capturing the original Bavarian Beat Battle.
To be honest, with all the Jersey Shore parodies and spoofs we've seen, I'm actually shocked we haven't seen a Fist Pump Polka from the king of all parodies. I would gladly pay money to see this happen, especially since I haven't already paid to see Weird Al in concert twice in my life. Nope, definitely never did that....
Last night was noteworthy as far as Schiff Happens late night tv watching is concerned, which is completely unrelated to the fact that this post is first going up around 3pm. Completely unrelated.
First, Adam Sandler made a fantastic appearance on the Tonight Show as one of Conan OBrien's final guests (check the full show here to see how Conan wasted $1.5 million of NBC's money, and witness the return of an old furry friend). Sandler, rocking the faded green Jets tee (Gang Green don't say I never gave you any love!), serenaded the host and revealed the story of how he and Chris Farley didn't leave Saturday Night Live on their own terms but were actually fired by NBC in 1995 despite being pretty much the funniest humans on the planet at the time. The moment recalled better days at SNL and NBC, when Conan, Sandler, Farley and a generation of standard-bearing comedians collaborated each week to produce some of the most hilarious moments we've ever witnessed. But it also served to show that genius truly is so often unappreciated in its time. The interview fittingly ended when Sandler summed
things up with his then-manager's reaction to the situation those 15 years ago (and Smellson's new favorite quote from now on I can almost guarantee), "NBC: Nothin But C***s!"
After that, I caught "Jersey Shore: Spoof'd!" on MTV. It has apparently been rerunning for a week already, but try as I might, I can't be everywhere this insanely overexposed show is all the time, so I was seeing it for the first time. It was a collection of all the spoofs and sketches that have been passed around to no end since the show stormed into our lives as the greatest reality train wreck in television history, and was noteworthy for just one reason: If the guidos liked a clip, they threw a fist pump as a seal of approval, complete with a fancy graphic.
This is important because, as my tens of faithful readers will no doubt concur, the whole gimmick, is just a repackaged ripoff of The Jersey Fist - my Jersey Fist! I invented rating things on a scale of fist pumps, damn it! I had even just recently resized this photo, featured in this post, to serve as our new official Jersey Fist in future posts.
It's the same as MTV's graphic! Unbelievable. These are the perils of being famous. You pay homage to the glory of the great Garden State and a bunch of Sleaseside guidos rip you off.
So how do we plan to fire back at this outrage, you ask? Well, Schiff Happens is here to officially announce the Jersey Shore Boycott! Won't you join me? Just say "No" to guidos!
Just kidding. I could never stay mad at you, Shnookieshpookies. Finale party is officially on tonight, and the RonRon juice will be flowing! Drop me a line for details. Until then, can we please get Snooks into one of those Snickers commercials? I can see it now...
Inside Karma, a crowd of guidos are battling on the floor.
Voiceover: "Hungry? Grab a Snickers!"
Russ aka "Ron" grabs Snooki and takes her for a piggy-back ride to the beach, where he proceeds to not fuck her. Snooki returns to the house, dejected.
Snookers: "Waaahhh! Nobody wants to f*** me in this town! What the f***?! I'm the f***ing Princess of F***ing Poughkeepsie!"
RonRon: "Still not smushed, err, satisfied? Would you f*** a Gatorade bottle at this point? Try one of these."
Tosses Snickers a Snickers, who voraciously sucks the nuts out of the candy bar, then proceeds to do herself with it.
It's here! It's here! After a long, frigid week, a brand new episode Jersey Shore is finally here again!
I have no idea how many episodes are left, but this week the housemates are taking a road trip to Atlantic City, which seems to me like a last big hurrah before winding down to a finale. If that's the case, it's time to take a cue from Snooki and start living it up!
No more bitching out like Sammi and Ronnie - henceforth, every minute of Jersey Shore is your last (Yes, for now let's ignore the insanely awesome rumor that the entire cast is coming back for a second season). It's time to put on your bedazzled fleur de lis tee and creep like you've never creeped before! Battle that beat like your life depended on it! Get your GTL on every dam day! Suck the ever-lovin shit out of that Vlasic! For goodness sake punch someone in the damn face! These are the precious final moments - cherish them, people!
In that spirit, here's the Official Jersey Shore Drinking Game (or at least the one that about a dozen of us played last week). For authenticity, you can blend up some RonRon juice like we did - "Whenever that shit comes out, it's always a filthy night" - but all you really need is plenty of beer and a stash of liquor for the occasional shot. Happy fist pumping!
The Jersey Shore Drinking Game, Official Rules:
1. The names of all the housemates are put into a hat and each person draws one. If you're drinking with more than 6 people, just put the names back and draw again until everyone has their housemate. When your guido talks to the camera, take a drink.
2. If anyone actually calls Snooki "Snooki," finish your drink.
4. If the housemates all sit down for family dinner, everybody does a toast and takes a healthy chug. Except for whoever has Sammi Sweetheart - she's excluded from chicken cutlet night. She also has to refill the cup of whoever has The Situation... that ungrateful Flintstone big toe havin' bitch.
5. When they fist pump, we fist pump. Any fist pumping battle scene starts a waterfall. Everyone drinks while fist pumping and doesn't stop doing either until there's no more fist pumping happening on screen.
6. And of course, no Jersey Shore drinking game would be complete without this BASEketball-inspired rule: Do a shot every time a fight breaks out!
Follow these rules and you'll be craving ham and water in no time. By all means feel free to add your own and let me know what you come up with. Just please don't invite any sort of zoo creatures to my Jersey Shore party.
Alright, so the Springsteen Bonnaroo story was a little long-winded, but deservedly so I think. If you haven't already, check the Picasa stream for all the highlights of Bonnaroo '09. The general gist of the festival is there, but with so little left of this year, we've got precious little time to waste as we continue to remember the Best Rest of 2009. I can almost guarantee that the highlights of the entire rest of the year won't take up as much space as the camera story. And we're off!
So, right after we made it back from Bonnaroo, I moved downtown and was fired from a shitty job that I hated anyway for showing up late to do something I wasn't hired to do in the first place. So it goes. It was a pretty miserable experience to have to deal with, but I figured it was life's way of telling me, "You'll thank me later."
A few weeks later, the night before I was supposed to fly down to Florida to watch one of my fraternity brothers walk the plank aisle* I found myself in the hospital with appendicitis. I figured that was life's way of telling me, "Nope, you were wrong." Looking back, though, this was a great moment. It was around this time when I decided that I'd had enough bullshit negativity. From that moment on, I would devote myself to being one of those positive people I can't stand. It has been a struggle, and while I can assure you that my cynicism and penchant for hatin' will never quite disappear, I have to admit that little by little, I started to feel the whole optimism thing coming back to me. Friends and family even told me they were noticing a change, and despite being jobless and recovering from surgery to remove a useless, vestigial organ, more quality memories emerged from the Worst Year Ever. Less than a week after the surgery, I was trucking up to Saratoga to see Phish once again, relying on my brother as a personal lean-to while nearly passing out for the entire second set to wrap up Summer Tour 2009.** Next, I hit Cape May for a week of relaxation before a bachelor party and another wedding Labor Day Weekend (this time I was able to attend), making Summer Sans Appendix a success.
Allow me to pause here, if I may, during the Cape May portion of this recap, to acknowledge that while 2009 may have been the WYE, it brought us perhaps the greatest television show of the Aughts. Of course I speak of the now-legendary Jersey Shore. I'm not going to dwell on this too much, especially since Cajun Boy has done such an admirable job of keeping us up to speed on all the fist-pumping madness over at Animal NY, but isn't it fitting that 2009, which was beyond awful, gave us a show so far beyond awful that it's truly amazing? I groaned in disgust when I first learned the premise of Jersey Shore, but I'm already hoping for a second season*** and tonight's new episode is pretty much the only part of New Year's Eve that I'm looking forward to (Aside from, of course, saying "Good thefuck riddance!" to 2009. You really can't understate just how craptastic this year was).
Actually, this seems like a good time for yet another short commercial break, but chill out, Freckles McGee - The Rest Of 2009 continues momentarily. In the meantime, amuse yourself with one of the most talked about viral videos of the year below. Snooki Punch '09, never forget.
*Another 2009 phenomenon, by the way: My friends getting married. No, I have no idea what they're thinking either. I mean, uh, Mazel Tov, guys! Many happy returns! Hope getting married questionably young during the Worst Year Ever works out for you!
**Totally worth it.
***MTV, if you're out there, I have a few friends from back in the old neighborhood that you have to meet, ASAP!
Okay, so calling the premiere of Season 2 a bit of a letdown would be a juiced up understatement. I still think it can be good, but it's apparent already that it might not ever again be great. That said, "I feel like a Pilgrim from the friggin' '20s washing shit right now!" isn't a bad one-liner from Snooks. Here's hoping it picks up.
"Is there anybody alive out there?!?"
New cast-mates enjoying the infamous hot tub?
Mostly, though, we're now charged with creating an old-fashioned summer tour out of the local shows at our disposal, unaided by a huge festival to help catch all the big names of the now. That means Lupe Fiasco (with opening act b.O.b., which, truth be told, I may be more excited for) this Saturday night at Irving Plaza. That means I'm still intrigued by the possibility of checking out newly reformed Sublime With Rome at Roseland Ballroom in May. I know it's not the same without Brad, but Sublime remains one of my favorite bands of all time and I'm willing to see what Eric and Bud have to offer with a new frontman. That means the big musical story of the summer will be Phish. Again. A year after I said 5 shows in one summer was too many, I'll be heading out to 4 in 3 cities from late-Q2 to mid-Q3 Amazing how the more things change, the more they stay the same.
Alright, so the Springsteen Bonnaroo story was a little long-winded, but deservedly so I think. If you haven't already, check the Picasa stream for all the highlights of Bonnaroo '09. The general gist of the festival is there, but with so little left of this year, we've got precious little time to waste as we continue to remember the 
