Ladies and gentlemen, meet the Sexy Armpit

He loves the Beastie Boys and New Jersey. We're gonna be regular pals.

As a fan and fellow Tribesman of the Beastie Boys, I was glad to see a Jersey guy break down the relationship between the group and the Garden State. The connection is obviously much less overt than the Beasties' affinity for their home in Brooklyn, but you always had a feeling that dudes that awesome had to somehow be connected to the Dirty Jers, which I'll remind you again is the unknown cultural center of the universe.

However, I wanted to further dissect the Armpit's discussion, so I decided to do a little research and break down of all the White Castle and New Jersey references on Licensed To Ill. Curiously, there is not a single mention of Harold and Kumar's favorite burger chain on any of the Beasties' other albums. I guess it should be no surprise that Licensed was their biggest hit. Just another testament to the inspirational power of White Castle, and a lesson to you kids - no dream is too big if you set your mind to it and get all hopped up on Slyders. And now, my findings.

The Boys get right to work on the second track, "The New Style," which has the unique distinction of being the only Beastie Boys track to reference both White Castle and New Jersey.

I chill at White Castle 'cause it's the best
But I'm fly at Fat Burger when I'm way out west
[snip]
You're from Secaucus - I'm from Manhattan
You're jealous of me because your girlfriend is cattin'

They may be interested to know that Fatburger has since expanded, and currently has 1 New York location and 3 in New Jersey, including one in Jersey City, just moments away from Secaucus.

Next, two tracks with no mention of burgers or Garden States, but after that we get references in consecutive tracks. First, on "Slow Ride:"

Because being bad news is what we're all about
We went to White Castle and we got thrown out

Followed by a classic line in "Girls," a favorite of hormonally supercharged 12-year-olds since 1986:

I like the way that they walk
And it's chill to hear them talk
And I can always make them smile
From White Castle to the Nile

Three more tracks until the next White Castle mention ("Fight For Your Right," "No Sleep Til Brooklyn," "Paul Revere" - damn this album is effing awesome). "Hold It Now, Hit It!" features this little nugget:

Down with Mike D. and it ain't no hassle
Got the ladies of the eighties from here to White Castle

I have to admit, I never thought to take a girl to White Castle. I tend to go more for Wendy's types.

Now, the next track, "Brass Monkey" is a Schiff Happens favorite. However, in my years of singing along, especially with this recognizable line:

I drink Brass Monkey and I rock well
I got a Castle in Brooklyn that's where I dwell

I never thought about it this way (thanks to Beastie Boys Lyrics Annotated): "One possible (UPDATE: Sorry, this quote got whited out) interpretation comes from scoats@greylodge.com, that at the time this was written, there were no White Castles in Manhattan but there was one in Brooklyn. It could also simply refer to the fact that Yauch is speaking this line from Brooklyn, and a man's home is his castle."
Now that is some clever lyrical analysis! I always figured it was the whole "a man's home is his castle" thing, but considering this was the Beastie Boys' debut album, they weren't exactly rocking out in mansions at the time. The White Castle theory definitely has legs.

Consequently, if we're to accept the above as a White Castle reference, then "Slow and Low" marks the third consecutive track to mention the burger joint. This one happens to be my favorite Beastie Boys White Castle Reference of all time, and yes, I had already come to that conclusion long before this post was even a thought.

We got determination, bass and highs
White Castle fries only come in one size

To me, that just sums up the playful, carefree attitude that the Beastie Boys have always been so about. So what if it's a randomly placed non sequitor? It rhymes, damn it! Unfortunately, this quality may account for the lack of poetic justice that would have come with one final White Castle mention on the final track. Alas, "Time to Get Ill" makes no mention of Slyders or New Jersey, so here's your final tally.

Total White castle references: 5 or 6, depending on your interpretation of the "Brass Monkey" line. Call it 5.5
"White Castle" Frequency: 1 of every 2.36 tracks, or a whopping 42 percent of the songs on Licensed To Ill feature White Castle. After such heavy emphasis on the burger joint in their debut, why was White Castle completely abandoned in every album since? I can't say for sure, but it probably has something to do with this sneaky bugger.
Total New Jersey references: Just the one.
Total White Castle consumed by Harold and Kumar: 60 Slyders, 10 orders of fries, 4 large Cherry Cokes, 4 large Diet Cokes.

*I guess I should probably come clean and admit that even though I am Jersey through and through, I have no love for White Castle. I've been there exactly once, immediately after I saw Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, and I felt extremely dirty because 1) We were completely buying into the whole stupid ploy of a 90-minute product placement flick (don't get it twisted though, I love that movie), and 2) Have you ever actually seen a White Castle Burger?

With that, I believe this delicious dissection is over. Not sure what kind of conclusions we want to draw from this, but I'll be damned if I'm not craving me a burger right now. Just thinking about it makes me wanna burn this mothafucka down. Come on Pookie! Pretty bummed I don't have my Free Whopper coupon with me. What was I thinking not putting it in my wallet immediately? Damn it. Now what am I supposed to eat for lunch?

And I paid all this money for a seat with a view [Babes On A Plane]

I avoided all of the previews and coverage on the internet of this week's SI Swimsuit Issue in anticipation of it arriving at my apartment, and I have to say I'm pretty proud of myself. It was like when you DVR the game and you painstakingly screen your calls and emails and alert all your friends not to text you during the game because you have to take Aunt Ida to bingo and you just can't get out of it. Inevitably, they try to sabotage you by texting you from their girlfriend's phone or sending you a disguised link, just like all my friends in the bloggerhood tried their hardest to force me to look at sexy pictures of scantily clad bikini babes days before the hard copy was slated to arrive in my mailbox. However, I remained steadfast in my belief that the payoff would be all the sweeter if I could somehow hold out, and I feel like I made the right decision. The raunchy stream of consciousness running commentary that came drooling out of my mouth as I flipped from one page of hotness to the next would probably not have been nearly as entertaining to the roommates had I been looking at these beauties all week on these here interwebs. Observe the latest scene from Schiff Happens Masterpiece Theater:

Roommate #1, checking emails while watching TV: Blah, blah, work sucks, blah, blah, what's the Duke-UNC score?
/Crickets chirp. Roommate #1 looks up.
Schiff Happens, nose 4 centimeters from SI, completely oblivious: You always gotta find the nip in the body paint ones...

I have been a SI subscriber for a while now, and the Swimsuit Issue is obviously highly anticipated every year, but honestly, is there a more perfect Member of the Tribe on this planet than this year's cover babe, Bar Refaeli? (I see you over there, Esti Ginzburg. You wait your turn you sneaky little Hebrew sex kitten.) Every picture of Bar is more sexier than the last. The photo to the right was probably my favorite in the entire issue (Just barely. I mean, when you're choosing between this, this, and this, the debate sort of has no wrong answer). Is that a swimsuit? Is it lingerie? Does it matter? It actually has a vajeen indicator strip right there on the bottom piece! It almost resembles an arrow, pointing at all times to the Promised Land. Right this way, boys! Of course, they had treasure maps covered in this issue as well. Brooklyn Decker wants you to journey to the forbidden city, and some lucky dude with a sharpie is going to make sure that you have every necessary detail to find your way. Does that qualify as the Prime Meridian?

All of this is essentially an unnecessary (like you're complaining) introduction to the sexiest airplane of all time, SI One, a Southwest Airlines Boeing 737 adorned with a decal of Bar and her mile-long curves (more pics here). The sad irony of this plane is of course that it is best enjoyed from outside, which means you could have the window seat over the Grand Canyon and still have a worse view than the teeny tiny people below. I think we can all agree on the only man who should be deemed worthy to fly such a beautiful vessel. Imagine if Bar had been plastered on the side of Flight 1549, her sexy body splashing into the Hudson. Hottest miracle plane crash/water landing ever? As crazy as it was to see the Miracle Flight floating downriver from my office window, I don't even think I'd have the words to describe a 110-foot Bar Refaeli airplane mermaid. Perhaps if I look to our shared Motherland I may find an appropriate expression. When I was in Israel they told us "Sababa" meant "cool," or "it's all good." Certainly that would apply. Maybe "Benzonah," as in "Sonofabitch! Mother-effer!"

But perhaps the most perfect Israeli slang for such an occasion: yam kusiot.

Am Yisrael Chai, friends.

Asher Roth - I Love College (Video) [Rappin Jews]

A lot going on musically in Schiff Happens land, somehow this one managed to slip through the cracks. It's the official video for Asher's signature jam, "I Love College," directed by Jonathan Lia. I featured this track here eons ago, because like anyone with a pulse, I love college.


do i really have to graduate, or can i just stay here the rest of my life?


The track list for Asher's album, "Asleep in the Bread Aisle," due to drop April 21, is also out. Let's check that out, shall we?

1. Lark On My Go-Cart
2. Blunt Cruisin’
3. I Love College
4. Bad Day” ft. Jazze Pha
5. Be By Myself ft. Cee-Lo
6. Sour Patch Kids
7. She Don’t Want A Man
8. As I Em ft. Chester French
9. His Dream ft. Miguel
10. Ladida
11. Leo The Lion
12. Fallin
13. Nothing You Can’t Do

This kid has already generated a fair bit of hype, and he's definitely, well, a little different than most rappers out there to say the least, so I imagine a lot more will probably be said, and opinions on him will vary widely. However, even if you didn't know about him already, you'd be able to tell by that track list that this is a dude who raps about what he knows and is true to himself. He may be a white kid from the suburbs who (kind of) went to college, but you must respect a man who dedicates a track to the greatest candy on the planet. I'm excited for this one.

More Asher:
MC Asher Roth readying major label debut [Billboard]
50 Cents Jackson agrees with Schiff Happens, calls Asher Roth "authentic" [IllRoots] (*note to Mr. Rick Ross, Schiff Happens does not necessarily agree with Mr. Cents Jackson's allegations of fraud. Please do not sit on me)

Asher on SH:
Asher Roth "Apparently Jack Bauer" [White MCs building street cred]
New Year, New Emcees
More tunes! aka where the F are my Friday Jams?
To all my people who don't wanna go to work [Friday Jams]

I hope No. 18 is Randy Velarde [Spring Training Countdown]

Rescued from the jaws of icy death at sea, the guys over at the Yankees and sports blog Fack Youk seem to have burst onto the scene out of nowhere, and by this I mean I have recently added their blog to my reader. Their deft combination of toned-down black and white photography and dirty words speaks to me. What can I say? I'm a simple man who enjoys foul bathroom humor and the black and white - it's easy on the eyes.

Three days ago they started a series counting down the days until pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training, matching each day’s number with a Yankee uni number. They started, appropriately enough, with 25 days to go and Big Teixy, then moved on to 24 (The Great Bam-Tino) and 23 (Donnie Baseballs, natch). Today, with 22 days until pitchers and catchers report, they’ve enlisted the help of Wailin’ Suzyn and her incomprehensible reaction to steroid abuser Raw-Jah Clemons' WWE-inspired comeback announcement. I was actually at that game and thus unable to enjoy her legendary call, and didn't even hear about it until the next day. I did however get to watch Cletusmons the Roid Rage Yokel introduce "Cotton Eye Joe" on the jumbotron. /douses face with scalding Beam 'n Keurig, lights beard on fire. This has been an enjoyable series so far and should only get better as the days dwindle towards the start of Spring Training because A). Yankee names only get bigger and badder as the numbers get smaller, and B). It’s sunshiney, hopeful, sweet Spring Training, the only thing that can pull us out of the long, dark, post-NFL winter (Yes, I am every bit aware that the Super Bowl has yet to be played and NCAA hoops conference seasons are kicking into gear. See my favorite teams to understand why Spring Training - and Mark Teixeira - is my only hope).