Haven't posted in a week, and I'd be upset about it if it weren't another insanely beautiful Friday.
Once again, on days like this, you just gotta rock it, so here's Green Day's highly anticipated new video for "Know Your Enemy" to help us do so (P.S. Tour starts July 3 in Seattle. Won't you join me on July 27 for some punk rock fist pumping in the Big Apple?).
I'll be spending the weekend at the most wonderful party of the year, the highlight of any good Wahoo's spring, the always-glorious and debaucherous Foxfield Races. To the uninitiated, please be aware that there is no 'ssss' at the end. Foxfield. Period. For the most comprehensive guide ever assembled to this landmark event, consult the awesomeness that is cVillain's '08 preview (seriously, you don't want to miss the infamous Piss Trough). If you're looking for me among the crowd, I'll likely be found wandering somewhere between "Wastefest" and "Graduates O' Wastefest." Hit me up, we'll toast to the better times (and chase it down with a shot of ice cold water because holy ballsit's gonna be hot).
Most accurate Foxfield map ever courtesy of cVillain.
It's Friday, it's 5:00, the sun is shining and the Yankees win.
Glorious.
Only one thing left to do: Shake it.
Whether you're a pompous old geezer who gets way too much enjoyment out of silly puns or this little dude I spotted getting his groove on to some Beatles music in Strawberry Fields, the best way to celebrate feelin' alive is to shake what your mama gave ya.
Last night at the Bowery Ballroom, I was lucky enough to be among the tightly packed crowd of about 600 for the public performance debut of Jack White's latest side project/"obj-band"/supergroup, The Dead Weather. For the uninitiated, the rock god of our generation is fronting yet another band these days, wherein he returns to his first love, the drum kit, and continues to rock your face with his trademark brand of dirty, buzzing, crackling blues rock. Joining him this time around are lead singer Allison Mossheart of The Kills, Raconteurs bassist "Little Jack" Lawrence, and Queens of the Stone Age's Dean Fertita on guitar and keys. But you knew all that. Let's get to the part you don't know about -- the actual concert -- because unlike this guy, you couldn't score tickets, which sold out in approximately 47 seconds.
As I mentioned, the crowd was packed into Bowery Ballroom as tightly as we could have been, and I leaned over to Smellson the Music Fairy and remarked on the uniqueness of the situation--600 of us had snatched up tickets instantly and crammed ourselves shoulder-to-shoulder for a band that 6 people not named Meg White have ever seen perform and won't release their first album until June. Who else but Jack White makes that happen? The excitement was clear from the moment the band sauntered onto the stage in their matching black leather, and we knew we were in for some good old fashioned greasy, grimy rockin'.
White is as capable a rocker on the drums as he is on the guitar, and although his kit was set far back and pretty low to the ground, he still found a way to remain the centerpiece of the experience (mostly by playing the shit out of those drums). Mossheart is the perfect lead singer for White's brand of music, and she ferociously grabbed the room by the balls with her stage-stomping, mic-grinding, chain smoking hotness. I was transfixed. I wanted to do dirty things to her while listening to dirty Dead Weather music (which she would of course be singing). During one stretch, she rocked out on a Bo Diddley-style box guitar. Later, on "Will There Be Enough Water," Jack finally grabbed the axe and shredded, like we all not-so-secretly had hoped he would.
To echo the Rolling Stone article, it didn't feel like we were watching a "new" band. It was clear that this crew had practiced together, as it was clear that this was Jack White music. Without knowing any of the songs, I found myself rocking out hard throughout. When they finally got to the one song I did know, "Hang You From The Heavens," I whipped out the digicam and did some of my finest concert camerawork to date, embedded below for your face-melting pleasure.
Another great show in the books, which brings us to Humpday. The Yankees play at 4, which is cool, because that means the last few hours of the workday will sail by as WailinSuzyn and John "Puns are Fun" Sterling bring me the play-by-play from Tampa. Or is it St. Pete? Or Tampa-St. Pete? Whatever. I'll be watching the game with a bunch of Fackers, so if you want to talk shit with me, head on over here.
Dead Weather links for those who weren't steeped in awesomeness last night:
From the most appropriate source I can think of to bring forth some great news in a day that has already been chock full of WIN, NJ.com reports that HBO has renewed Eastbound and Down. You just can't stop a bulletproof tiger. FUCKINAY RIGHT! KENNY POWERS IS BACK! This is most pleasing news and welcome relief for yours truly and at least one fan of this here blog.
LOS ANGELES, April 8, 2009 - HBO has renewed the comedy series EASTBOUND & DOWN for a second season, it was announced today by Michael Lombardo, president, Programming Group and West Coast Operations, HBO. Production on the new episodes will begin later this year, with debut slated for 2010.
For the full press release, click here. For hilarity, watch below.
If you won't listen to my words, then listen to my dancing feet....Work, drugs.
Another Opening Day is in the books, and although the Yankees really let me down, it was still by any measure another fun and festive Opening Day. My favorite part was that it was chock full of baseball related goodness completely unrelated to anything happening on a field today.
First up, a bunch of fackin' hippies are going to kick off Phish's tour at Fenway. Thankfully, I'll be in Canada when this happens, so I won't even have to consider attending. Yes, we've established that I enjoy my Phish music, but if you've ever experienced the sardine-can seating at Fenway or stood next to a hippie you can imagine the olfactory misery that will ensue on May 31. If I have to say anything nice about it, the promo video for the concert on Phish.com is fan-fackin-tastic. In fact, these videos have been somewhat of a Phish 3.0 revelation. You may recall that the last such clip, announcing the band's late summer tour, eventually led us to the Fagot Farm in Georgetown, TX. I'll get you linked up to the rest of those vids at the bottom of this post, but I'm getting away from my intended point, which is that today's concert announcement gave me occasion to revisit what is widely recognized* as the greatest musical moment ever at Fenway Park. It had to be, because I witnessed it firsthand during my only visit to see the Green Monstah. (*not recognized by anyone)
It happened during an annual summer baseball stadium pilgrimage. In 2007, the destination city was Boston, and our crew unsuspectingly -- and drunkenly -- stumbled into a moment that really was beyond description. I know that's a corny way to set up the clip, but it's true! And that's saying nothing of the fact that my memories of these baseball trips are often wobbly at best.
The second bit of opening day fun that happened today was a shout-out from Deadspin. This comes as no surprise, of course, given that we're famouser than Captain Kangaroo around here, but it made me happy that the internet got to enjoy one of my favorite road trip moments, the T-Rex first pitch. Going into Chicago/Milwaukee 2008, we weren't sure anything could top the previous summer's national anthem moment. Little did we know we were about to witness a Ceremonial First Pitch Fail 65 million years in the making.
I was stunned to see this linked on Deadspin personally, because it is in fact Schiff Happens original footage. My 2 favorite comments were Hurdleguy04 on YouTube mocking Wurm's cackle, and Buccos on Deadspin being spot-on hilarious.
So there, I'm totally capable of doing an Opening Day post that everyone can enjoy. And I didn't even gripe about the fackin Yankees (I let Jay take care of that).
Now let the UNC rout continue for one more half so that I can win some money and the ACC can once again dominate the Big 10. If only my overrating of the ACC overall hadn't let me down in the first 2 rounds, I might be able to do better than second place. And yes, I really picked UNC over Michigan State in the final and still can't win my pool.
In other words, Happy Opening Day, Happy Spring, welcome back Baseball.
Phish 3.0 tour announcement videos: Late Summer 2009 Summer 2009 Hampton Bonnaroo (only sort of related, but come on, it's been a while since I mentioned it. Speaking of which, you're still invited--65 days!).
Sadly, this is not an April Fools joke, but an actual press release about an (incomprehensibly) actual promotion at an actual minor league baseball stadium. Yes, Minor League Baseball is sort of built on sideshows and silly, pointless promotions, but trust me when I say you have never seen anything like the latest giveaway from the Lake Elsinore Storm,* which promises to help control your problems with "gas emissions" no less than 5 times. Why don't you just go ahead and read the thing? Even a mind as demented as mine couldn't have possibly made this up.
The Lake Elsinore Storm Baseball Team P.O. Box 535 Lake Elsinore, CA 92531 Class A Affiliate of the San Diego Padres
Storm Teams Up With Subtle Butt
To Combat Fat Tuesday Gas Emissions
LAKE ELSINORE, CA– Do you have a problem with gas emissions in the world today? Well the Storm want to help. Every Tuesday home game at The Diamond in Lake Elsinore, gas emissions and the economy will not be a problem.
As some of you might know, last season the Lake Elsinore Storm ran a Fat Tuesday promotion, which included an All-U-Can-Eat buffet in the left field Tiki Terrace for $13. However, this season the Fat Tuesday promotion is ballpark-wide. Every Tuesday ticket will cost $13 and include an All-U-Can-Eat menu available at every concession stand, with Tuesday, June 23 being the only exception.
You can probably deduce that All-U-Can-Eat ballpark food might lead to substantial gas emissions, which is where corporate sponsor, Subtle Butt, enters the picture. Made of activated carbon fabric, each disposable 3.25” square shield is held onto the inside of underwear with two self-adhesive strips. Subtle Butt effectively filters flatulence, absorbing and neutralizing its odor. “I am confident that this will help fans get through the Seventh-Inning Stench,” says Kim Leone Olenicoff, President of Irvine-based The Pond Inc., maker of Subtle Butt. “And I’m not only the President, but a satisfied customer.”
The first 250 fans each Tuesday will receive a free product sample of Subtle Butt, providing relief both for the environment and for the noses of those around them. Fans can enjoy all their favorite ballpark food (hot dogs, hamburgers, pizza, french fries and popcorn) and not worry about clearing out their section with untimely smells. “This will really help people out,” said Storm Assistant General Manager Allan Benavides. “I know personally when I eat all that I can, I have problems with gas emissions.”
The Storm front office members were used as guinea pigs to test the small patch in the off-season, and well, it works. Wives, friends and girlfriends are overjoyed at the relief Subtle Butt has brought them, and they hope that everyone else will feel the same.
For more information or to order Fat Tuesday tickets call the Storm Box Office at 951-245-4487 or visit stormbaseball.com.
Really, Lake Elsinore Storm? REALLY?
This press release leaves me with so many more questions than answers. Who the hell decided that the Storm needed an entire promotion built around a fart joke? And a season-long promotion at that! Does the All-U-Can-Eat really have to apply to EVERY concession stand? Did David Wells recently sign with the Storm? I was not aware of this transaction. And oh, by the way, just how in the bloody hell do you even find out about a product like this?
And hey, you there with the Odor Eater pad shoved up your ass! Yea, you, Allan Benavides. I assume you aspire to bigger things than your current post as Assistant GM for the Class A Lake Elsinore Storm. Obviously, then, you'd want to go on the record about your "Problems with gas emissions." This makes sense.
The front office staff were the guinea pigs? So did they lock all the windows and doors to the conference room and just stand around letting it rip? Would you not immediately quit your job on the spot if your boss asked you to insert a fart-soaking maxi pad between your cheeks? And why the eff is it called Subtle Butt? To Kim Leone Olenicoff and the other brilliant minds over at The Pond, Inc.: You could not have possibly chosen a less subtle name for your product. The very notion of it defies subtlety -- your entire product pitch is based on the fact that farts smell!
I am absolutely convinced that the Snuggie people are behind this. Who else could have managed to create an insanely useless product that is offensive to all five of my senses?
Wait, what? Oh... oh god... Oh good god no! There's a commercial!
This looks like something Trey Parker and Matt Stone came up with during a week-long acid binge, or the outtakes from a Brazilian fart porn. Either way there is no way you could ever watch that and want to try the Subtle Butt, let alone hope to receive one as a free ballpark giveaway. And let's not forget that Minor League Baseball is marketed heavily towards families. Do you really want your kid thinking he has a free gas pass to just toot away as loud and long as he pleases? The Lake Elsinore Storm: Destroying America's youth one fart odor-neutralizing butthole sticker at a time.
Ugh.
No no no no no. Just no.
Oh, and one more thing...... No, seriously, it's not an April Fools. I know. I wish it were, too.
*Despite their inexplicable association with Subtle Butt, I have to stand up for the Storm for just one second to acknowledge that they may very well have the best hats in all of Minor League ball.
Props to The Chad for putting me on to this video. I feel like I can relate to this young fella because I'm also a dork who still holds court. Well, that and I'm king of the blumpkins. Nooch.
Razor Ramon flow oh so sharp You can take Kapowski, I'ma take Lark on my go-kart.
Watch as a local news anchor introduces this story, describing how a video on Phish's official site went viral and created rumors of a late summer festival on a Georgetown, Texas farm. Then watch as the ensuing story, starring an unfortunately named farmer with a sweet mullet who confirms that there is no chance of Phish holding a summer-ending festival on his property, seems itself to have been scripted for viral glory. Small-town irony, gotta love it.
Fans tracked down the Fagot farm from his promotional video posted on the band’s web site.
All kinds of stupid shit sucks, but here is some of the stuff that positively did not suck this week. If you're not on the list, try to do better on Monday.
[You're fuckin out!] Eastbound and Down ended its first season, which was the farthest thing from suck on TV in a long time. The show needs a second season to fully run its course, so here's to the glorious return of Kenny Powers (that week, whenever it happens, will also not suck). Something that kind of sucked was the end of Flight of the Conchords for what, in my opinion, will be forever (until they make a movie, which will definitely not suck). I'm glad I was on board for the entire run of this show, and will miss them when they're farming in England or whatever.
[They Took 'er Jobs!] This week's South Park was, I thought, the best it has been in a while. It certainly did not suck. I blogged about it a little for Pink Slipped, and I'm too lazy to get into many details right now. All I'll say is South Park solved the economy--it still doesn't make any sense. That and, "They took our jobs!" This was my favorite scene.
[Teaching Shaq To Twitter] I can only assume I'm not the only one of Shaq's 430,000something followers who crossed over to the Twitterverse to learn from its most Shaqtastic big man. Naturally I have incredible respect for Kathleen Hessert, founder and president of Sports Media Challenge, but most importantly "The woman who taught Shaq how to Tweet." From the bottom of my heart, Kathleen Hessert, thank you. Without you, there would be no games of twag, insomniac bathroom breaks, or gems like this from the Big Aristotle. Our lives are forever richer for it.
[It's Funny Because It's Twue] Speaking of twitter, this cartoon also helped fill our week with something other than suck. That fail whale is one scary fish. Mammal, whatever. (It's actually so on point that it hurts a little bit if you twitter. Which...some of us do...)
[Fists Full of Childhood Awesome] The only thing that sucks about this item is that I'm the last person to post it. But let's not have such a sucky attitude about it. You've already seen the Where The Wild Things Are trailer, but you haven't seen it here yet, and you know you're going to watch it every time you see it somewhere for the first time because this trailer is effing beyond. It's just beyond. Maybe the best children's story ever, directed by Spike Jonze, beautiful footage edited seamlessly to Arcade Fire's "Wake Up." For real for real--can I coin#WTWTAFTW ?? I'll tell you this much right now: Schiff Happens birthday party = Where The Wild Things Are. (I'll be psyched for this at 26, which speaks to what a masterpiece Maurice Sendak's book is. But imagine if I were turning plain old 6 in October. BEST birthday party EVERRR!)
[Winner] Flying sucks. Flying with this guy doing the safety announcement sucks a whole lot less. Well done, sir.
And this has been stuff that didn't suck this week. You know what's not making next week's cut? This post. Schiff, out.
If you haven't visited this spot in a minute -- and judging by the attendance, you haven't! -- you may not know that I have been whining for several days now that Bonnaroo needs to announce their comedy lineup, and specifically that Flight of the Conchordsshould be amongst said lineup. I could have saved myself the trouble by simply checking the Bonnaroo site and seeing that they were there in 2007, and even as I was whining I knew an email/announcement would come today, but I got indignant about it anyway and so I felt extra psyched when I saw this update on the Bonnaroo site earlier:
We are proud to announce several additional artists for the 2009 event, rounding out an already stellar lineup. Festival producers, Superfly Presents and A.C. Entertainment are also proud to announce another incredible lineup of today's top comedians!
Public Enemy AniDiFranco Amadou & Mariam Shadows Fall Heartless Bastards Tony Rice Unit High On Fire Passion Pit Dillinger Escape Plan Wailing Souls The Itals MURS White Rabbits Janelle Monáe Hockey Pretty Lights
We are also proud to feature a dynamic host of national headlining comics in its ever-popular seated, air-conditioned comedy venue, “The Comedy Sweet,” presented by Butterfinger.
Jimmy Fallon Triumph the Insult Comic Dog Presents Bonnapoo 2009 An Evening (or Afternoon) with the Daily Show featuring John Oliver & Rob Riggle Michael Ian Black & Michael Showalter AzizAnsari Kristen Schaal Arj Barker Todd Barry Rory Albanese Wayne Federman Nick Thune Nick Kroll Kurt Braunohler Amy Schumer KumailNanjiani Pete Homes
I'll get to music in a minute, but I have to say a little something on comedy first. Comedy at Bonnaroo has definitely come along way since it was first added in 2005. Coincidentally, that was also my first (and only) Bonnaroo experience, and my lone memory of the comedy tent is tweaking and running away because the opening comic's 5-minute bit of nothing but fart noises was just not making nice time with the happy place my mind was in. I never did see Charlie Murphy's act, which I regret to this day every time I crack up at his impeccable performances.
That was a long time ago, though. Bonnaroo has done such an excellent job incorporating comedy into the festival scape, that the comedy card is now almost as much anticipated as the music lineup. And despite my impatience and aforementioned whining, this year's comedy slate (air-conditioned comedy slate!) is as good as any, in my opinion, for both its quirky variety and star power.
So I didn't exactly get my wish of Flight of the Conchords, but I got the Third Conchord (Todd Barry), Dave (Arj Barker) and the Fan base (Kristen Schaal). For reals, Mel! Sweet, psychotic Mel! I love the Evening (or Afternoon) with the Daily show and the late night war at the top of the bill between Jimmy Fallon and longtime Conan favorite Triumph the Insult Dog. You may not like him on Late Night, but the Bonnaroo stage is one that Fallon should be able to own. Will ?uestlove and the Roots crew appear to help him slow jam the news? Smellson, any rumors? And what about Triumph? BonnaPOO--genius! Who saw that coming? The abundance of Springsteen's New Jersey fans should give Triumph a chance to revisit one of his funnier moments of all time, embedded for your delight below as a reminder that we stand a mere 77 days from Bonnaroo.
Thanks to Wednesday's artist additions, the list of words and phrases I will spend all of Bonnaroo weekend screaming has grown from "BRUUUUCE," "BEEEee-eaAAT....DROP!" and "CACTUS!!" to now include "FOR ME TO POOP ON!" and... ::sits down, takes deep breath::
FLAVA FLAAAAAAVVV!
Public Enemy, bitches! This year's 'Roo lineup already had me all in, but the chance to see your boy Flav live and in person is one of those artist additions that just puts a festival over the top. Winner.
Though there are other artists among the additions that make Bonnaroo extra awesome, Public Enemy is the biggest deal to me personally. I cannot wait to witness Chuck D's powerful flow and FlavaFlav'sbatshit crazy, creeper status antics live on stage. I really can't think of a better venue for a Public Enemy set than a 90,000 person festival.
If I wasn't hyped enough for Bonnaroo, they go and bring out the greatest hype man there ever was. Now if we could only find Elliott a slot on one of the small stages and reunite these two great showmen...
