Thursday, February 12, 2009
And I paid all this money for a seat with a view [Babes On A Plane]
I avoided all of the previews and coverage on the internet of this week's SI Swimsuit Issue in anticipation of it arriving at my apartment, and I have to say I'm pretty proud of myself. It was like when you DVR the game and you painstakingly screen your calls and emails and alert all your friends not to text you during the game because you have to take Aunt Ida to bingo and you just can't get out of it. Inevitably, they try to sabotage you by texting you from their girlfriend's phone or sending you a disguised link, just like all my friends in the bloggerhood tried their hardest to force me to look at sexy pictures of scantily clad bikini babes days before the hard copy was slated to arrive in my mailbox. However, I remained steadfast in my belief that the payoff would be all the sweeter if I could somehow hold out, and I feel like I made the right decision. The raunchy stream of consciousness running commentary that came drooling out of my mouth as I flipped from one page of hotness to the next would probably not have been nearly as entertaining to the roommates had I been looking at these beauties all week on these here interwebs. Observe the latest scene from Schiff Happens Masterpiece Theater:
Roommate #1, checking emails while watching TV: Blah, blah, work sucks, blah, blah, what's the Duke-UNC score?
/Crickets chirp. Roommate #1 looks up.
Schiff Happens, nose 4 centimeters from SI, completely oblivious: You always gotta find the nip in the body paint ones...
I have been a SI subscriber for a while now, and the Swimsuit Issue is obviously highly anticipated every year, but honestly, is there a more perfect Member of the Tribe on this planet than this year's cover babe, Bar Refaeli? (I see you over there, Esti Ginzburg. You wait your turn you sneaky little Hebrew sex kitten.) Every picture of Bar is more sexier than the last. The photo to the right was probably my favorite in the entire issue (Just barely. I mean, when you're choosing between this, this, and this, the debate sort of has no wrong answer). Is that a swimsuit? Is it lingerie? Does it matter? It actually has a vajeen indicator strip right there on the bottom piece! It almost resembles an arrow, pointing at all times to the Promised Land. Right this way, boys! Of course, they had treasure maps covered in this issue as well. Brooklyn Decker wants you to journey to the forbidden city, and some lucky dude with a sharpie is going to make sure that you have every necessary detail to find your way. Does that qualify as the Prime Meridian?
All of this is essentially an unnecessary (like you're complaining) introduction to the sexiest airplane of all time, SI One, a Southwest Airlines Boeing 737 adorned with a decal of Bar and her mile-long curves (more pics here). The sad irony of this plane is of course that it is best enjoyed from outside, which means you could have the window seat over the Grand Canyon and still have a worse view than the teeny tiny people below. I think we can all agree on the only man who should be deemed worthy to fly such a beautiful vessel. Imagine if Bar had been plastered on the side of Flight 1549, her sexy body splashing into the Hudson. Hottest miracle plane crash/water landing ever? As crazy as it was to see the Miracle Flight floating downriver from my office window, I don't even think I'd have the words to describe a 110-foot Bar Refaeli airplane mermaid. Perhaps if I look to our shared Motherland I may find an appropriate expression. When I was in Israel they told us "Sababa" meant "cool," or "it's all good." Certainly that would apply. Maybe "Benzonah," as in "Sonofabitch! Mother-effer!"
But perhaps the most perfect Israeli slang for such an occasion: yam kusiot.
Am Yisrael Chai, friends.