Here's a breakdown of the four staches and their owners:
Stache A: Eeyore sporting a near perfect Chevron - a classic style, matches his hair to a tee making it appear the most natural of the 4., clearly evocative of tremendous pride and satisfaction. Also looks most like aforementioned D-Day.
Stache B: Who has 2 thumbs and a lip curtain? Don't act like you're not impressed with my Lamp Shade. This style stache is comparable to a big black fuzzy caterpillar, known in some circles as a Dad Stache. As the son of a man who has proudly sported a soup strainer since his college heyday, this is an undergraduate mock-up of what I'm supposed to look like when I grow up.
Stache C: The only real name for this is the Schittstashe. Looks like something your grandfather might wear, especially if he's southern and goes by "Colonel." While we're on Colonel, there's the obligatory reference any time a white Petit Handlebar like this one comes out. Like both Colonels, Schittberg is a raving drunk, fights bouts of forgetfulness bordering on Alzheimers, and occasionally soils himself.
Stache D: The Chad's Handlebar shows why this style of stache has endured so long. Eccentricity and balls are both required to rock a proper 'bar, and many notables have hung this type of lip drapery because it so uniquely defines the personality and character of each wearer, setting him apart despite its familiar design. The multifaceted capabilities of the handlebar were embodied appropriately this night by The Chad. No doubt a bold individual, The Chad is also a true man about town - an athlete, socialite, showman, inventor, gentleman and scholar - whose many hats require the only lip accessory capable of matching them all.