Tuesday, December 23, 2008

I find tinsel distracting

Today is December 23, and as we all know, that means another Festivus is upon us. As I have noted, this year I've been more imbibed with the holiday spirit than any winter I can recently remember. As such, I've been feeling especially good natured and have spread my cheer through good deeds, gift-giving, and copious Jack Daniels consumption. But let's face it. Over the past year, you all have upset me incredibly, so before we gather around the aluminum pole and admire its high strength-to-weight ratio, let us give pause for the Festivus airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people, and now you're gonna hear about it! Consider this your open forum to come forth and tell everyone what's got you all prickly this year. Say whatever you want in the comments, just don't be mean or single people out (if you have to, at least let them be in on it. Festivus is a time for togetherness, after all).

I will begin with my D.C. contingent. Where the eff were you guys on this??? You know I love Seinfeld and holidays that can be celebrated via kiosk. Just look at all those great notes about things that pissed people - wait, wtf?! You must think you're pretty smart, random Adams Morgan Festivus Kiosk griper. Well I say you couldn't smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date ..... I lost my train of thought.

And so the airing of grievances has begun! Let the rant continue in the comments, and please air as much or as little as you like. Remember, until you pin me, Festivus is not over.

2 comments:

thechad said...

To the people that burglarized my apartment: Stealing our TV, laptops, and XBOX wasn't enough was it? You also had to take my cologne and use my xbox account to buy some games. But I would be scared if I were you. I will hunt you down, cut off your fingers and cut out your eyes so you can no longer type on my laptop, play my video games, or watch my tv. I will cut off your nose so you can no longer smell my cologne. And then I will get someone with AIDS to piss in your eye socket, so you die nice and slow.

To my management company: Our apartment just got burglarized and you still won't pay for putting up bars on our window, yet our safety is your most important concern. Show a little sympathy and start doing your fucking job.

LoLo said...

To the yoga nazis at Dupont Yoga: I thought yoga was an exercise in mental clarity and relaxation. Next time I can't do a pose (in fears of falling on top of the person who is cramped up against the wall right next to me) and one of your fascist instructors creeps up from behind and starts yelling "you are offending the energy of the room" (yes, this was said to me the other night verbatim)then taking time out of class to point out to 30 strangers that someone was offending the energy of the room, I will take my yoga mat and beat you to a zen pulp. then I'll chase that shit down with a wheat grass shot. so Namaste to you too assholes.

To Heidi and Spencer from the Hills: Please shoot yourselves in the face. I don't care who goes first, just one of you put the other one out of his/her misery and then do unto yourself. If you could have your beloved paparazzi/tmz/a video crew there, even better...total primetime gold...

Now bring on the Feats of Strength...