Happy Bruceday!

The Boss is 61 today, and I can only hope that someone saw fit to give him a gift as beautiful as the one he gave to that lucky photographer and couple whose engagement shoot he photobombed earlier this week (Stories like this remind us once again that Bruce is the coolest, and the Jersey Shore is magical). I have no idea what you get for the man who has everything, but my Springsteen birthday wish would probably be that someone give him that beard and hat back. I'll be sure to buy him a cone if I spot him out at Jersey Freeze tonight. At the very least, can we finally get this guy a fuckin' elevator? He's fuckin' sixty(-one)!

I guess all I can say is, "Here's to you, Boss Man." I'd wish you another 61 years, but we all know that wouldn't matter, because legends never die. So in the spirit of gift-giving, thanks for giving me the greatest gift of all at Bonnaroo last year. (You know there's no way I could pass up a chance to post this video again).

At The Moment...

Spent the weekend atoning, so I have a clean slate to once again enjoy guilty pleasures like this:



Getting more and more excited for this:



And blogging simply so as not to forget about this (embiggen/buy):

Friday Jams: Cee-Lo Green, "Fuck You"

Happy Friday, everyone. Sing it out.

Calvin & Hobbes Search Engine is a Treasure Trove of Awesome

The Calvin & Hobbes Search Engine is one of those things that you never really considered needing, but once you know it exists you immediately wonder how your life ever felt complete without it. I also like to call it by its other name, "The Greatest Use of Search Technology in the History of Ever." To get you started, I recommend searching "explore," "spaceman," and "booger."

And now, because this is one of the truly great gifts the internet has ever given us, here is every Calvin & Hobbes strip that ran on my birthday. Please to enjoy.

1986

1987

1988

1989
1990
1991

1992
1993

1994

1995

Wherein Kenny Powers Punts A Guy's Head [You're Fuckin' Out!]

Like everyone else, I was overjoyed last Thursday when, after all the long months of waiting, Jersey Shore finally came back.

Okay, so calling the premiere of Season 2 a bit of a letdown would be a juiced up understatement. I still think it can be good, but it's apparent already that it might not ever again be great. That said, "I feel like a Pilgrim from the friggin' '20s washing shit right now!" isn't a bad one-liner from Snooks. Here's hoping it picks up.

Meanwhile, lost in the fist-pumping shuffle (oh shit, I think I just accidentally coined a new line dance), was the impending return of another Schiff Happens favorite, a man who never disappoints because he's better than fucking everyone. That's right - on September 26, Kenny Powers is fucking IN. And he's got a brand new endorsement deal.

Kenny Powers Gets Signed By K-Swiss - watch more funny videos

Our Long National Nightmare is Over, Jersey Shore is Back

Tonight, that empty space you've felt in your heart since January will once again be filled with creepin, gorillas, grenades, and of course, the business. Tonight, we beat up the beat. Tonight, tits are comin' out. Tonight - God bless me, it's fuckin summah - Jersey Shore returns for Season Two!

My fellow GTL-iens... REJOICE!


In case you forgot (although how could you have?), I've pasted your Official Jersey Shore Drinking Game rules below. I can only assume that we'll have to make some updates to the rules once we have a better sense of the Season 2 dynamic. As always, suggestions welcome. Blend up some RonRon juice and enjoy.

I'm so glad it's back.

The Jersey Shore Drinking Game, Official Rules:

1. The names of all the housemates are put into a hat and each person draws one. If you're drinking with more than 6 people, just put the names back and draw again until everyone has their housemate. When your guido talks to the camera, take a drink.

2. If anyone actually calls Snooki "Snooki," finish your drink.

3. If they call her anything else - Snook, Shnooks, Snickers, Shnicks, Snicky-Snicky-Shnoiks, Shnookumspookums - it's a social.

4. If the housemates all sit down for family dinner, everybody does a toast and takes a healthy chug. Except for whoever has Sammi Sweetheart - she's excluded from chicken cutlet night. She also has to refill the cup of whoever has The Situation... that ungrateful Flintstone big toe havin' bitch.

5. When they fist pump, we fist pump. Any fist pumping battle scene starts a waterfall. Everyone drinks while fist pumping and doesn't stop doing either until there's no more fist pumping happening on screen.

6. And of course, no Jersey Shore drinking game would be complete without this BASEketball-inspired rule: Do a shot every time a fight breaks out!

Gogol Bordello likes very much the kissing

Gogol Bordello are touring the world with Primus in support of their fifth album (and major label debut), Transcontinental Hustle, and I have never been so excited to attend a gypsy punk freakout rock show. Watch the awesomely trippy video for Pala Tute and feel your mustache growing by the second.



Carnival is comin'
All guitars are strummin'
And says old hitano "Boy, forget about the bling
Here is a guitarra
For you little chavo
If you slave to kissing,You gotta play this thing"

Primus / Gogol Bordello
The Williamsburg Waterfront, Brooklyn, NY

Fri, Jul 30, 2010 05:30 PM

Does the Jersey Shore have a Shark Situation?

First Humpbacks, now sharks? Snooki's gonna need a bigger boat.

Alright, so it's not the Matawan Man-Eater of 1916 that inspired Jaws, but there have been three shark sightings this week along a five-mile stretch of beach in Ocean County where Schiff Happens and Co. can often be found every summer. But rest easy, friends! The 21-year-old hungover lifeguard says there's no need to fear:

"Yes, there are really sharks out there," Seaside Park lifeguard C.J. Ratshin, 21, wearily told the one of the "tons of people coming up and asking if the sharks will eat them."

Raising his voice to be heard over news helicopters buzzing the beach in vain attempts to spot the long-gone sharks, Ratshin told bathers, "the sharks won’t eat you if you don’t step on them."

Well then. Carry on.

I can only assume that the Jersey Shore sharks out there have been reading The Sexy Armpit this month and saw their shot at the spotlight. Either that or they're getting ready for Shark Week like the rest of us. Speaking of which, how badly do you wish you worked in the Discovery Channel building right now?

Happy Canada D-Eh!

That's right, today is Canada Day! Well, not here anyway. Here it's just stupid Thursday. But I assume our neighbors to the north are positively tickled in their flannel britches today, which is sort of like Canadian Fourth of July. Oh, Canada, you're so cute up there, with your hockey and your bacon and your French people. I know you think nobody respects you, but look at all the people out there who love Canada.

For example, an inexplicably popular, fatass American sportscaster loves Canada and its lax drug policies.



You know who else loves Canada? This highly spirited, possibly mentally challenged Hoser loves Canada.



Hell, even yours truly loves Canada. Well, at least "O Canada," my favorite national anthem, which was adopted as Canada's official national tune 30 years ago today, to which I say... really, only 30 years? What did they sing before curling matches and log rolling competitions in 1979?

So Canada, today we salute you, flapping heads, beady eyes, and all. Here's to Canada: America's Hat! And if you still believe the whole world is just ragging on you, well, for one day you can say, "Fuck you budday!" For one day, you get to stick it to us. So put on your finest formal wear, crack open a Labatt, and show the world what Canada is all aboot.

See Another 'Jersey Shore' Trailer [And Today Just Got Better]

Never before has one trailer given so much, with so little.

MTV Shows

"Did I bang Snooki last night?"

Oh Vinny, if I had a nickel.....

Happy July, everyone! Only 28 days to get your GTL on before the guidos are back in our lives. Keep those new rules coming for the Official Jersey Shore Drinking Game and as always, watch out for grenades.

Via [MTV]