Friday Secret Stache Revealed!

The first ever installment of the Friday Secret Stache was truly a study of great moments in mustache history. Four years ago, almost to the day, someone showed up at AEPi fraternity house with a pack of stick-on mustaches, and a party was born. At the time I hoped that this night would be the catalyst for a bumper crop of upper lip growth, reviving a once-proud tradition of mustachioed fraternity men. It was not to be, but I continue to imagine the future reunion where the four of us return to UVA sporting real-life versions of the stick-on stand-ins seen here.
Here's a breakdown of the four staches and their owners:

Stache A: Eeyore sporting a near perfect Chevron - a classic style, matches his hair to a tee making it appear the most natural of the 4., clearly evocative of tremendous pride and satisfaction. Also looks most like aforementioned D-Day.






Stache B: Who has 2 thumbs and a lip curtain? Don't act like you're not impressed with my Lamp Shade. This style stache is comparable to a big black fuzzy caterpillar, known in some circles as a Dad Stache. As the son of a man who has proudly sported a soup strainer since his college heyday, this is an undergraduate mock-up of what I'm supposed to look like when I grow up.

Stache C: The only real name for this is the Schittstashe. Looks like something your grandfather might wear, especially if he's southern and goes by "Colonel." While we're on Colonel, there's the obligatory reference any time a white Petit Handlebar like this one comes out. Like both Colonels, Schittberg is a raving drunk, fights bouts of forgetfulness bordering on Alzheimers, and occasionally soils himself.

Stache D: The Chad's Handlebar shows why this style of stache has endured so long. Eccentricity and balls are both required to rock a proper 'bar, and many notables have hung this type of lip drapery because it so uniquely defines the personality and character of each wearer, setting him apart despite its familiar design. The multifaceted capabilities of the handlebar were embodied appropriately this night by The Chad. No doubt a bold individual, The Chad is also a true man about town - an athlete, socialite, showman, inventor, gentleman and scholar - whose many hats require the only lip accessory capable of matching them all.

To all my people who don't wanna go to work [Friday Jams]

Ten tunes for your Friday feel-good head nod. Download, make yourself a little playlist, name it Schiff Happens: Friday Jams, get down.

Asher Roth - I Love College (because I'm pushing this Heeb on everyone right now, because he's gonna blow up in '09, because Rivers Cuomo should lighten up and because we all love college)

Kanye West ft. Mos Def - Good Night (off The Graduate Mixtape)

T.I. - Message to the Government (from the cutting room floor of Paper Trail)

DJ Bling - King of Rock Mixtape Volume 1 (it's no Girl Talk, but a fun mashup)

N.A.S.A. ft. Kanye West, Lykke Li and Santogold - Gifted (off N.A.S.A.'s new album The Spirit of Apollo)

Cornershop - Candyman (from the new LeBron Nike commercial that's oh so nice)

Jay-Z - Jockin Jay-Z remix ft. Travis Barker (if you know me, you know I'm all about rap meets rock)

Charles Hamilton - Brooklyn Girls

Ludacris - Press the Start Button (off the Dutch bonus to Theater of the Mind. Only Luda could make all those video game references sound so hard.)

Bob Marley - Iron Lion Zion (previously unreleased from Songs of Freedom, in case you're stuck on what to give me this holiday. Honestly, who could brighten up your Friday better than Bob?)

Schiff Happens the remix remix 2.0: Back again for the first time

Sometimes people call me Schiff Happens, and I suppose it does.
The nickname originated in the burbs of dirty Jers in 2000 when I was 16 and started making mix cds. This was at the height of the real Napster, known to us then as the coolest shit ever invented(!!!), but right before mp3 players were sweet. I'd spend hours downloading and listening to songs, then meticulously put them in just the right order to reflect the mood and the tunes that I was feelin at the time. Then I'd mock up some album artwork using Wordart and random pictures from the internet and give each one a snappy title. The first one was simply called "Schiff Happens," and the cover had a cartoon diagram of food's path through the digestive system. After that spark of Da Vincian creativity I continued to crank out the mixes, and soon I had every Jew in my high school rockin out to the choicest cuts on classic mixtapes like Schiff Happens Volume 4: Hot Ish Err Time, Schiff Happens Volume 6: God I'm Huge and right around this time of year, Santa Put Schiff In My Stocking: Steve's Holiday Hits. As we graduated and went to college or Brookdale, we drifted apart until Facebook came out. By then iPods and emo had dooked all over the better place and time from whence Schiff first happened.
But life goes on, and although Schiff Happens went away for a while, it was never really gone. When I was 16, free song downloads meant everyone had to know my freshest learners permit jams. The music was out there, and we all had to hear it, in a particular order from a particular (aka MY) point of view. Now I'm 25, and the boundless interwebs will allow me to distribute not just my favorite music, but the very essence of Schiff - value and fun for their own sake. Use this space to enhance your daily day in a variety of bitchin ways, some of which I have in mind and some of which (I hope) will evolve over time through my constant desire to make a big sarcastic joke out of everything plus feedback from whoever's really alive out there. This includes, but is by no means limited to, creative shit, funny shit, random shit, and shit talkin. In these shitty times, all this shit seems pretty necessary, and that's really what Schiff Happens was all about in the first place. A moment in time demands my contribution, and my vast network of friends must participate. Its Schiff Happens 2.0.
So thank you, Schiff Happens aficionados, for keeping the faith. It feels good to be back.