schiff happens

2011-07-25T11:44:00.002-04:00

"We thought of life by analogy with a journey, with a pilgrimage, which had a serious purpose at the end. And the thing was to get to that end - success or whatever it is, or maybe heaven after you're dead. But we missed the point the whole way along. It was a musical thing and you were supposed to sing, or to dance, while the music is being played."

Allegorical animation reflecting on the journey -- and not the destination -- that is life, produced by the creators of South Park.

Pretty much "Schiff Happens" in a two-minute clip.

Full-Length Feature Created Entirely From Grand Theft Auto IV

2011-01-19T09:47:00.001-05:00

Or, "Posting here now so I can be sure to come back and watch when I actually have 90 minutes to burn."

The trashmaster (nouvelle version nouvelle voix-off !)
Uploaded by murakawa. - Discover more gaming videos.

The "trashmaster" divides his time between collecting garbage and cleaning up other forms of trash fouling up New York City's streets: dealers, small-time criminals... When the dancers in his favourite strip club are mysteriously killed, the trashmaster finds himself hot on the trail of a particularly twisted serial killer.

Honestly, this is pretty incredible. It's always nice to bring Niko Bellic back into the fold and remind you that you're always that close to regressing back to your GTA addiction.

via Laughing Squid | Rockstar Games | The Creators Project

Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band - "Songs From The Promise"

2010-12-15T11:18:00.000-05:00

Alternately titled, "Please-Oh-Please-Announce-A-Tour-Already!! Of The Day."

I haven't even watched this yet but I'm posting it here for you and I don't believe I need to explain why.

Endless Fist Pumps.

Life-Altering Find of the Day

2010-11-04T10:59:00.001-04:00

Obligatory Back-Story: Pogo makes crazy music and mixes by slicing and dicing classic kids' movies, and thusly makes the interwebz go gaga. Apparently he actually worked for Disney for a time and was silenced by the Mouse, but his contract is up and his mind-blowing Disney mashes are once again free to destroy your productivity forever.

Clearly the Mary Poppins one is going to be my favorite, but Bangarang is pretty unbelievable, too.

The Suspense is Terrible...I Hope It'll Last

2010-10-27T10:33:00.000-04:00

We still have no idea what the musical costume is going to be this year, but I am beyond hyped to head down to Atlantic City on Sunday for Phish's highly anticipated Halloween show. Between this concert and the ING NYC Marathon that follows exactly one week later, I am hopped up on anticipation and getting less and less sleep every night. Be sure to hit up Run Schiff, Run! in the coming days for all things Marathon, and in the meantime check out this short MTV feature from 1996 detailing Phish's Halloween performance of the Talking Heads' Remain In Light. Because Music Television used to cover, you know, music. We miss you, Kurt Loder! [Saw it here]

So, what's it gonna be Sunday night?

Links From The Girl Who Sits Behind Me, Birthday Edition

2010-10-14T17:06:00.000-04:00

She also made me cupcakes.

Gorillaz - "Doncmatic (All Played Out)" ft. Daley [Friday Jams]

2010-10-08T11:17:00.000-04:00

Somewhere between releasing a new album and embarking on a world tour, Gorillaz found time to record this new track just in time for their gig at Madison Square Garden tonight, and more importantly for your Schiff Happens Friday Jams. Yours truly will be one of the lucky ones in attendance tonight, and this tune has me that much more excited. I was immediately drawn to Gorillaz when I first caught a glimpse of the incredible visuals that they fuse with their musicianship and have been pumped to see them live since before it was even a possibility. The closest I ever came was when I was living in London back in 2005 and I saw a flier for a sold out festival-type ticket featuring Gorillaz as the headliner pasted to the wall in some sketchy neighborhood as I made my way home from a night of drunken shenanigans at the roller disco. So yeah, despite my seat location in the 300s, I'll be considerably closer to the action tonight. HYPE and video via Hidden Track (emphasis mine):

The Live on Letterman webcast series rolled on last night with a not quite an hour set from Gorillaz. Gorillaz’s front man Damon Albarn clearly enjoyed the setting as he hammed it up throughout and expressed his excitement for tonight’s Madison Square Garden gig multiple times.

Guests on the webcast included Miho Hatori, Paul Simonon and Mick Jones of The Clash, De La Soul, a string quartet and Bootie Brown as the band played a total of nine songs including the suave Superfast Jellyfish, a gorgeous On Melancholy Hill and a Clint Eastwood closer that turned into a party when Albarn invited half the crowd on stage with him.

Finally, check out the new jam, "Doncmatic (All Played Out)" below. It's apparently "inspired by The Donca Matic - the groundbreaking Japanese-designed drum machine which started the Korg Musical Instrument Company in 1963." Okay then. Watch below or download here.

SO ready for tonight.

Links From The Girl Who Sits Behind Me

2010-10-07T17:56:00.000-04:00

I have been at my current job for more than six months now, which means that I've had enough time to settle into a fairly standard routine. According to my best estimation, my typical workday is spent as follows:

4.5 hours conceptualizing technological innovation enabling me to reach through computer and shake my clients.
2 hours trolling the interwebz for bootleg mp3s and LOLing at kittens.
1 hour lunching.
47 minutes actual work.*

The rest of my day is split between bathroom breaks, visits to the work pantry, "organizing my to-do list," and clicking on instant message links from The Girl Who Sits Behind Me. She finds some pretty good stuff every now and then, and since I see no reason why I should be the only one to enjoy it, I'm going to start posting everything she sends me right here in this spot, 100% free of time-consuming context. I'll do this around the same time at the end of each day, or week, or month, or until I find something better to do with my time than blog for nobody in particular.

So thanks for inspiring a new feature, Girl Who Sits Behind Me. Please to enoy today's crapload!

*To the boss, if you're reading this, of course I am kidding. Sort of. No, really.

Happy Bruceday!

2010-09-23T17:54:00.000-04:00

The Boss is 61 today, and I can only hope that someone saw fit to give him a gift as beautiful as the one he gave to that lucky photographer and couple whose engagement shoot he photobombed earlier this week (Stories like this remind us once again that Bruce is the coolest, and the Jersey Shore is magical). I have no idea what you get for the man who has everything, but my Springsteen birthday wish would probably be that someone give him that beard and hat back. I'll be sure to buy him a cone if I spot him out at Jersey Freeze tonight. At the very least, can we finally get this guy a fuckin' elevator? He's fuckin' sixty(-one)!

I guess all I can say is, "Here's to you, Boss Man." I'd wish you another 61 years, but we all know that wouldn't matter, because legends never die. So in the spirit of gift-giving, thanks for giving me the greatest gift of all at Bonnaroo last year. (You know there's no way I could pass up a chance to post this video again).

At The Moment...

2010-09-21T10:33:00.005-04:00

Spent the weekend atoning, so I have a clean slate to once again enjoy guilty pleasures like this:

Getting more and more excited for this:

And blogging simply so as not to forget about this (embiggen/buy):

Friday Jams: Cee-Lo Green, "Fuck You"

2010-08-20T17:20:00.001-04:00

Happy Friday, everyone. Sing it out.

Calvin & Hobbes Search Engine is a Treasure Trove of Awesome

2010-08-12T18:03:00.007-04:00

The Calvin & Hobbes Search Engine is one of those things that you never really considered needing, but once you know it exists you immediately wonder how your life ever felt complete without it. I also like to call it by its other name, "The Greatest Use of Search Technology in the History of Ever." To get you started, I recommend searching "explore," "spaceman," and "booger."

And now, because this is one of the truly great gifts the internet has ever given us, here is every Calvin & Hobbes strip that ran on my birthday. Please to enjoy.

1986

1987

1988

1989
1990
1991

1992
1993

1994

1995

Wherein Kenny Powers Punts A Guy's Head [You're Fuckin' Out!]

2010-08-02T11:44:00.006-04:00

Like everyone else, I was overjoyed last Thursday when, after all the long months of waiting, Jersey Shore finally came back.

Okay, so calling the premiere of Season 2 a bit of a letdown would be a juiced up understatement. I still think it can be good, but it's apparent already that it might not ever again be great. That said, "I feel like a Pilgrim from the friggin' '20s washing shit right now!" isn't a bad one-liner from Snooks. Here's hoping it picks up.

Meanwhile, lost in the fist-pumping shuffle (oh shit, I think I just accidentally coined a new line dance), was the impending return of another Schiff Happens favorite, a man who never disappoints because he's better than fucking everyone. That's right - on September 26, Kenny Powers is fucking IN. And he's got a brand new endorsement deal.

Kenny Powers Gets Signed By K-Swiss - watch more funny videos

Our Long National Nightmare is Over, Jersey Shore is Back

2010-07-29T14:58:00.006-04:00

Tonight, that empty space you've felt in your heart since January will once again be filled with creepin, gorillas, grenades, and of course, the business. Tonight, we beat up the beat. Tonight, tits are comin' out. Tonight - God bless me, it's fuckin summah - Jersey Shore returns for Season Two!

My fellow GTL-iens... REJOICE!

In case you forgot (although how could you have?), I've pasted your Official Jersey Shore Drinking Game rules below. I can only assume that we'll have to make some updates to the rules once we have a better sense of the Season 2 dynamic. As always, suggestions welcome. Blend up some RonRon juice and enjoy.

I'm so glad it's back.

The Jersey Shore Drinking Game, Official Rules:

1. The names of all the housemates are put into a hat and each person draws one. If you're drinking with more than 6 people, just put the names back and draw again until everyone has their housemate. When your guido talks to the camera, take a drink.

2. If anyone actually calls Snooki "Snooki," finish your drink.

3. If they call her anything else - Snook, Shnooks, Snickers, Shnicks, Snicky-Snicky-Shnoiks, Shnookumspookums - it's a social.

4. If the housemates all sit down for family dinner, everybody does a toast and takes a healthy chug. Except for whoever has Sammi Sweetheart - she's excluded from chicken cutlet night. She also has to refill the cup of whoever has The Situation... that ungrateful Flintstone big toe havin' bitch.

5. When they fist pump, we fist pump. Any fist pumping battle scene starts a waterfall. Everyone drinks while fist pumping and doesn't stop doing either until there's no more fist pumping happening on screen.

6. And of course, no Jersey Shore drinking game would be complete without this BASEketball-inspired rule: Do a shot every time a fight breaks out!

Gogol Bordello likes very much the kissing

2010-07-22T10:13:00.005-04:00

Gogol Bordello are touring the world with Primus in support of their fifth album (and major label debut), Transcontinental Hustle, and I have never been so excited to attend a gypsy punk freakout rock show. Watch the awesomely trippy video for Pala Tute and feel your mustache growing by the second.

Carnival is comin'
All guitars are strummin'
And says old hitano "Boy, forget about the bling
Here is a guitarra
For you little chavo
If you slave to kissing,You gotta play this thing"

Primus / Gogol Bordello
The Williamsburg Waterfront, Brooklyn, NY

Fri, Jul 30, 2010 05:30 PM

Does the Jersey Shore have a Shark Situation?

2010-07-16T09:07:00.009-04:00

First Humpbacks, now sharks? Snooki's gonna need a bigger boat.

Alright, so it's not the Matawan Man-Eater of 1916 that inspired Jaws, but there have been three shark sightings this week along a five-mile stretch of beach in Ocean County where Schiff Happens and Co. can often be found every summer. But rest easy, friends! The 21-year-old hungover lifeguard says there's no need to fear:

"Yes, there are really sharks out there," Seaside Park lifeguard C.J. Ratshin, 21, wearily told the one of the "tons of people coming up and asking if the sharks will eat them."

Raising his voice to be heard over news helicopters buzzing the beach in vain attempts to spot the long-gone sharks, Ratshin told bathers, "the sharks won’t eat you if you don’t step on them."

Well then. Carry on.

I can only assume that the Jersey Shore sharks out there have been reading The Sexy Armpit this month and saw their shot at the spotlight. Either that or they're getting ready for Shark Week like the rest of us. Speaking of which, how badly do you wish you worked in the Discovery Channel building right now?

Happy Canada D-Eh!

2010-07-01T10:09:00.004-04:00

That's right, today is Canada Day! Well, not here anyway. Here it's just stupid Thursday. But I assume our neighbors to the north are positively tickled in their flannel britches today, which is sort of like Canadian Fourth of July. Oh, Canada, you're so cute up there, with your hockey and your bacon and your French people. I know you think nobody respects you, but look at all the people out there who love Canada.

For example, an inexplicably popular, fatass American sportscaster loves Canada and its lax drug policies.

You know who else loves Canada? This highly spirited, possibly mentally challenged Hoser loves Canada.

Hell, even yours truly loves Canada. Well, at least "O Canada," my favorite national anthem, which was adopted as Canada's official national tune 30 years ago today, to which I say... really, only 30 years? What did they sing before curling matches and log rolling competitions in 1979?

So Canada, today we salute you, flapping heads, beady eyes, and all. Here's to Canada: America's Hat! And if you still believe the whole world is just ragging on you, well, for one day you can say, "Fuck you budday!" For one day, you get to stick it to us. So put on your finest formal wear, crack open a Labatt, and show the world what Canada is all aboot.

See Another 'Jersey Shore' Trailer [And Today Just Got Better]

2010-07-01T09:27:00.005-04:00

Never before has one trailer given so much, with so little.

MTV Shows

"Did I bang Snooki last night?"

Oh Vinny, if I had a nickel.....

Happy July, everyone! Only 28 days to get your GTL on before the guidos are back in our lives. Keep those new rules coming for the Official Jersey Shore Drinking Game and as always, watch out for grenades.

Via [MTV]

ZOMG It's a New Jersey Humpback!

2010-06-24T11:19:00.004-04:00

And I don't mean Snooki. HEYOOO!!

FOR REALZ you guys, whales down the Jersey Shore. Amazing!

Saw it at fuckyeahnj. Pics and video via The Jersey Shore Online.

Bonnaroo 2010 Webcasts, Streams & Free Music [Because You Can't Go]

2010-06-10T09:35:00.013-04:00

Last night I went out for 10 cent wings with a buddy of mine who is heading to his first Bonnaroo today. He asked me if I had any tips for him. Here was my advice:

Hydrate.
Make friends with your neighbors.
Do Whatcha Wanna.

I also may or may not have emphasized the $1 popsicles at the Whole Foods Tent. I have to say, it was some of the best advice I've ever given. I shared a few of my favorite, "Things I Learned At Bonnaroo" stories, we slammed some wings and beers, and then I promptly skulked home in the rain and cried myself to sleep.

Okay, so Bonnaroo wasn't in the cards this year. Thankfully, there's an alternative to sitting in your underwear in a darkened room lit only by the lonely, gray glow of your laptop, staring misty-eyed at old pictures and clinging to memories of the great times you had while swilling Wild Turkey out of the bottle and listening to "Everybody Hurts" on repeat. There's a wealth of virtual 'Roo experiences available for us to at least attempt to enjoy the biggest festival of the summer without making the insanely long drive, losing our sandals in the mud, getting cooked out of our tents by the oppressive Tennessee sun, and brushing up against 80,000 of our crunchiest friends.

(Yes, I'm also pretending not to miss every single one of those things.)

First off, everyone's favorite pick-me-up: Free music! Via Spin and NPR, we've got a pair of mixes featuring some of this year's Bonnaroo artists, including Kings of Leon, the National, Phoenix, the Gaslight Anthem, Mumford & Sons, Tinariwen, Dan Deacon, the Black Keys, Ozomatli, and more.

Next, NPR is at it again. They will be streaming sets live from Bonnaroo all weekend long, from 1 p.m. to 3 a.m. Friday through Sunday, with several sets getting archived for on-demand listening. The list of 40+ artists already on the schedule is damn impressive, with more certainly to come.

Finally, my favorite discovery of this year's festival season so far: Live Video Webcasts! I enjoyed these greatly during Coachella and I'm psyched to report that the same will be happening at Bonnaroo on their official YouTube channel. Check out the full schedule below:

Friday, June 11th

Julia Nunes - 12: 15 pm - 1:15 pm
Neon Indian - 1:15 pm - 1:45 pm
Carolina Chocolate Drops - 1:45 pm - 3:00 pm
The Temper Trap - 3:00 pm - 3:30 pm
The Dodos - 3:30 pm - 4:00 pm
Damian Marley & Nas- 4:00 pm - 5:30 pm
Mayer Hawtorne and the Country - 5:30 pm - 5:45 pm
The National - 5:45 pm - 7:15 pm
Tori Amos - 7:15 pm - 8:00 pm
Michael Franti & Spearhead - 8:00 pm - 9:30 pm
Tenacious D - 9:30 pm - 11:00 pm

Saturday, June 12th

Punch Brothers ft. Chris Thile - 12:30 pm - 1:30 pm
Gaslight Anthem - 1:30 pm - 2:30 pm
Norah Jones - 2:30 pm - 4:00 pm
Trombone Shorty - 4:00 pm - 5:00 pm
Mumford & Sons - 5:00 pm - 6:00 pm
The Dead Weather - 6:00 pm - 7:30 pm
Umphrey's McGee - 7:30 pm - 7:55 pm
Jimmy Cliff - 7:55 pm - 9:25 pm
LCD Soundsystem - 9:25 pm - 10:55 pm
Kings of Leon - 10:55 pm - 11:30 pm
Jay -Z - 11:30 pm - 1:30 am

Sunday, June 13th

The Avett Brothers - 12:30 pm 1:45 pm
John Butler Trio - 1:45 pm - 3:00 pm
Regina Spektor - 3:00 pm - 4:00 pm
John Fogerty - 4:00 pm - 5:30 pm
Weezer - 5:30 pm - 6:30 pm
Zac Brown Band - 6:30 pm - 8:00 pm
Ween - 8:00 pm - 8:30 pm
Rise Against - 8:30 pm - 9:00 pm
Dave Matthews Band - 9:00 pm - 11:30 pm

So there you go--all the festival without all the hippies. A vicarious experience nearly as good as the real thing! Alright, I wish I were going too. Who's got my heady Wild Turkey?

Jersey Shore Season 2 Preview [Fist Pumping]

2010-06-07T13:17:00.004-04:00

Jersey Shore returns to MTV on July 29, but thankfully we don't have to wait that long for our first look at Season 2. Courtesy of Vulture, here's the full first segment of Episode 1. Nearly 15 minutes of fist-pumping fury, highlights of which include:

Sitch Sorentino and Pauly D vs. Shnooks and JenniWoww in a road trip race to Miami. Each team of super best friends wants first pick of rooms. Only one duo will emerge victorious, presumably when the other loses control of the car while applying a fresh coat of bronzer and explodes in a hairspray-fueled fireball.

Sammi and Ronnie broke up! How completely unexpected! We did not see this coming! As they down the RonRon juice, Ronnie's boys tell him to give the other guys shit for the "double baggers" they bring home.

Snooks has a gorilla juicehead boyfriend of her very own! She cooks him dinner! ("How many balls do you want? I want two. In my face." Because she's cooking meatballs! Snookums is punny!) They are totally in love after two blissful months together and she says she doesn't want to cheat. She definitely will after a few shots of SoCo, she says, but not because she wants to.

Trashbags returns! Angelina has apparently stayed in touch with The Situation and Pauly D, who she may or may not have sexed, and is heading down to Miami for her second chance at ~~lifelong friendships and memories~~ reality whore superstardom. Her first stop on the road to redemption: A Brazilian wax. That'll show those jealous bitches who keeps it classy.

Snooki discovers fried pickles at a diner in Georgia. World, ROCKED.

And also Vinny was there or something.

Watch the video and get (fist) pumped. July 29 will be here before you know it, so get your GTL on and stay fresh to death. I'll be here getting some new rules together for the Jersey Shore Drinking Game. Be sure to send in your suggestions!

Watch the 2010 MTV Movie Awards at MTV.com!

Friday Jams: Andre 3000 does The Beatles, new Kanye & Eminem, more

2010-06-04T12:06:00.010-04:00

Did your short week not feel quite so short? Neither did mine, but screw that--It's Friday! Sweet, sweet Friday! To keep your spirits high and your weekend bumpin, we're kicking out the Friday Jams because, well, that's just what we do around here.

First up, Andre 3000 gets his Beatle on in Nike's new Kobe Bryant spot. Really glad to see Ewing's signature Garden pump-up make it into the mix.

Next, new joints from two of rap's finest.
Kanye West (thankfully) gets back to rapping on "Power," likely the first single off of his upcoming new album Good Ass Job. Welcome back, Mr. Gay Fish, and huge props for the King Crimson (!) sample. Meanwhile, Eminem's new album, Recovery, drops June 22 and features this jam with Pink called "Won't Back Down."

Speaking of hip-hop giants, Nas has been at it for 20 years (we're old) and Steady Bloggin is celebrating with an exhaustive year-by-year breakdown of the best verses of his career, accompanied by a mix called 20 Years 20 Verses. (Incidentally, I'm trying to hit up Nas & Damian Marley at the Williamsburg Waterfront in Brooklyn on July 31 if any of you care to join me.)

Finally, B.o.B and Lupe Fiasco jump in on Janelle Monáe's "Tightrope." The last time Schiff Happens was in a room with Bobby Ray and Lu, the party positively jumped off. This track is equally dope.

2010-06-02T09:34:00.003-04:00

Recently, we heard rumors that two Schiff Happens favorites may have cosmically collided over the winter. However, while tales of Springsteen roaming the same halls as Sitch Sorentino, DJ Pauly D, and The Grenade are completely unsubstantiated, The Boss truly did appear on this favorite show of mine.

What is (the one night I fail to watch) Jeopardy?

Via Fuckyeahtheboss (again, I really can't emphasize enough the awesomeness of Tumblr), check out last night's Springsteen Jeopardy clues. How much richer would your Boss knowledge have made you? I certainly would have made it a true daily double.

For those who missed the Bruce Springsteen category on Jeopardy:

$200 - After a 1976 gig in Memphis, Bruce scaled the wall of this music icon’s home and was busted by a security guard.
$400 - In July 1984, this Boss album began a 7-week stay atop the charts, it stayed on the survey for 139 week
$600 - In an unprecedented move in 1975, these 2 rival magazines both featured cover stories on Bruce.
$800 - On August 11, 1989, Bruce joined this noted drummer onstage for 4 songs, including “With A Little Help From My Friends.”
$1000 - Bruce’s 2006 album “We Shall Overcome” paid tribute to this folk music legend who turned 87 that year.

There also non-Springsteen related categories entitled “The Boss” and “Born To ‘Run.’”

"Is there anybody alive out there?!?"

Newark: A Great Place to Visit...If You're A Bullet

2010-05-28T09:54:00.004-04:00

Just in time for Memorial Day, from the New Jersey Department of Tourism: Still unsure of your holiday weekend travel plans? Head on out to picturesque Newark! It's totally safe to visit - We just had our first murder-free month in 44 years!

Welcome to Newark!
Homeless people, hookers, and crack bums
There's nowhere they won't poo.

Props to The Sexy Armpit. Always doing Jersey proud, Jay.

Jack White & Jay-Z: Look! It really did happen!

2010-05-26T11:20:00.006-04:00

Via Nah Right, proof that the Jay-Z/Jack White collaboration of your dreams did very much happen in real life.

"Ray Bans" should be the dopest of dopeness. In the meantime, here's "Got Yourself A Cannon," the Jay-Z/White Stripes mash-up from the still-awesome Stars & Stripes.

Live from New Jersey: The Freakin' Super Bowl!

2010-05-26T10:06:00.004-04:00

On a day that had already brought us an unprecedented collision of Jersey icons, we got some even bigger, fist-pumpin-er, Garden State news when it was announced that the Super Bowl would be coming to the Meadowlands in 2014. New Jersey was already home to everything that was ever great in America, so this was only natural and a long time coming.

Which exit? How about that one, smartass?

Some will whine, "But what about the weather?"

What about you shut your freakin face? This is football! What, is your vagina gonna freeze?

Some will cheer, "The Greatest Game in the Greatest City! NYC 2014, baby!"

But make no mistake, this is New Jersey's Super Bowl. New York might host the parties and (hopefully) the victory parade, but everyone knows that the Giants and Giants Stadium are New Jersey. Period, end of sentence. And yeah, that's Giants Stadium. You can stick your $500 million naming rights where the sun don't shine... South Jersey.

Worlds Are Colliding! [Needs More Bruce]

2010-05-25T09:17:00.006-04:00

Just saw this headline on NJ.com that nearly blew my mind:

Did Bruce Springsteen stay at the MTV 'Jersey Shore' house?

New cast-mates enjoying the infamous hot tub?

Could it really be? Did these two great New Jersey institutions and Schiff Happens favorites come together at some point this winter? The video in the article gives us only a thinly veiled, winking acknowledgment from the Seaside Police Chief that The Boss may have visited the house, so I'm gonna bet that it didn't happen on account of the world didn't explode. However, if these allegations are true, does this make the Jersey Shore house Springsteen's most famous residence since 7 1/2 West End Court? Did he get any classic songwriting done like he did back in that little Long Branch house?

"Well, Paulie D and The Situation well you know they're gonna be there.
Sloppy Snooks, RonRon, and Vinny they'll be comin' up for air..."

One thing we do know for certain: The Guidos got hoagies. Also, is there a more Situation sandwich than baloney, cheese, and mayo? I'm so glad this show is almost back.

I’m Gonna Call It Good

2010-04-28T09:54:00.009-04:00

Much goodness abounds around the interwebz these days, so here is some of it for you now.

I have been watching HBO’s newest David Simon creation, Treme, and like many have been wondering exactly where it’s going and debating with myself internally over whether I actually like it. One thing that I and everyone seem to agree on, though, is that some positively fan-freakin-tastic music has been the star of the show so far. To wit, the Internet has given birth to Songs From Treme. The creator of this most awesome Tumblr openly admits that he is “not at all qualified to run a blog about New Orleans music” (Although he links us to several people who are). Dude doesn’t even have HBO! He’s just a guy who digs the incredible music of Treme – hey, that’s just like us! How very accessible! *(For more Treme music, check out the show's official site, which offers full music playlists for each episode with links to buy every song on iTunes)

While we’re on the subject of New Orleans and music, we have to talk a little bit about Jazz Fest. The two-week long party wraps up this weekend, and since neither Smellson, nor the Rossman, nor several of my coworkers that will be there made any offer or attempt to stow me away as they head out to NoLa – friends like these, I know – that means another weekend of vicarious living. And just like with Coachella, that means we’ll be bumping webcasts and mixtapes (full listings below) while another incredible music weekend goes down somewhere other than where we are. Don’t know about you out there, but Schiff Happens is going to have to do something about this festival drought really soon. Bonnaroo gets more enticing every time you look at that lineup, and it’s not entirely out of the question… yet. One major question mark remains, thought: Who’s coming with me?

Finally, B.o.B's debut album, The Adventures of Bobby Ray, is finally out as of yesterday. You already know how good the live show is, so you're gonna want to go and get that.

-----

Tipitina’s Jazz Fest Webcast Schedule:

Wednesday 4.28.2010
10 PM CT: Railroad Earth

Thursday 4.29.2010
9 PM: North Mississippi Allstars plus City Champs
2 AM CT: Karl Denson's Tiny Universe

Friday 4.30.2010
9 PM CT: The Radiators
2 AM CT: The Greyboy Allstars

Saturday 5.1.2010
9 PM CT: Ani DiFranco
2 AM CT: Trombone Shorty & Orleans Ave. CD Release Party with Special Guests TBA

-----

New Orleans Jazz Fest Mix (via Coventry Music):

Disc 1:

01. Big Chief - Professor Longhair
02. Cabbage Alley - The Meters
03. Junco Partner - James Booker
04. Iko Iko - The Dixie Cups
05. Yes We Can Can - Lee Dorsey
06. Hey Pocky A-Way - The Meters
07. Handa Wanda - Big Chief Bo Dollis & The Wild Magnolia Mardi Gras Indians
08. Carnival Time - Al Johnson
09. Mardi Gras Jig - The Bluerunners
10. Tipitina - Professor Longhair
11. Blues for Ben - Stanton Moore
12. Huey Smith Medley - Dr. John
13. Mardi Gras Mambo - The Meters
14. Sew, Sew, Sew - The Wild Magnolias
15. Mardi Gras Day - Dr. John
16. Bosco Stomp - The Red Stick Ramblers
17. Cissy Strut - The Meters
18. Look-Ka Py Py - The Meters
19. Zydeco Gris-Gris - Pine Leaf Boys
20. Mardi Gras In New Orleans - Professor Longhair

Disc 2:

01. Walking To New Orleans - Fats Domino
02. The Second Line - Stop, Inc.
03. Funky Miracle - The Meters
04. Bon Ton Roulet - Clarence "Bon Ton" Garlow
05. Brother John/Iko Iko - The Neville Brothers
06. Talkin' 'Bout New Orleans - The Meters
07. Let The Good Times Roll - Shirley & Lee
08. Ya Ya - Lee Dorsey
09. Don't You Just Know It - Huey "Piano" Smith & The Clowns
10. I Like It Like That - Chris Kenner
11. Ooh Poo Pah Doo - Jessie Hill
12. Night People - Lee Dorsey
13. Down South In New Orleans - The Band (w/ Bobby Charles)
14. Here Come the Girls - Ernie K-Doe
15. Made In The Shade - The Red Stick Ramblers
16. Soul Second Line - Papa Grows Funk
17. Ain't Nothin' But A Party - Dirty Dozen Brass Band
18. They All Ask'd For You - The Meters
19. Zydeco Mardi Gras - Pine Leaf Boys
20. Do Whatcha Wanna - Rebirth Brass Band
21. When The Saints Go Marching In - Preservation Hall Jazz Band with Walter "Wolfman" Washington and Theresa Andersson

The Kickdrums | COACHELLA | The Indio Sessions: Day 3

2010-04-18T11:28:00.006-04:00

One more day of Coachella - don't you totally feel like you were there?

&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;a href="http://thekickdrums.bandcamp.com/album/the-indio-sessions-day-three"&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;Intro Sly and the Family Stone - Single a Simple Song by The Kickdrums&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;

Yeah, me neither. But hey, our boy B.o.B closes out the mixtape series and hits the stage tonight (webcast at 7pm!), so you'll at least have one up on your festival-going friends when they come back all "We went to Coachella and ZOMG we saw the next big thing!" and you tell them you already knew.

The Kickdrums | COACHELLA | The Indio Sessions: Day 2

2010-04-17T12:13:00.006-04:00

Here's Day 2 of The Kickdrums' Indio Sessions Coachella mixtapes for the rest of us who still, try as we might, can't wish our way to Indio.

&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;a href="http://thekickdrums.bandcamp.com/album/the-indio-sessions-day-two"&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;The Kickdrums - Day Two Intro by The Kickdrums&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;

I will say that, although I was skeptical, the webcast is more than a little bit of awesome. If you have no plans for tonight, or if you want to change up that tired old pregame mix you've been using, I'd recommend you call up a couple of your fellow Coachella-less friends, tell them to bring over their laptops, and set up three "stages" around your place for a simulated Coachella Saturday. Call it No-chella. You still won't be there, but you'll be able to watch all of the hottest acts unfettered by masses of gyrating hippies and/or hipsters. At this point, I'm not sure which of these two groups dominates the festival scene more, but I know that it's always a good thing to avoid either.

The Kickdrums | Coachella | The Indio Sessions: Day 1

2010-04-16T09:26:00.005-04:00

Just 10 miles to Indio. Too bad you ain't going!

Hey, internet! Are you like me? Still in denial that you won't be at the Empire Polo Grounds when Coachella 2010 kicks off in just a few hours? Well, The Kickdrums got your back with The Indio Sessions, a mixtape series featuring highlights from a slew of Coachella's finest - just like being there!

/facepalm

Alright, so it can't possibly compare, but these mixtapes and a webcast series being promoted by 5 Gum (facebook here, myspace here) are all we have. I'll be sure to post the Day 2 and Day 3 Indio Sessions tapes tomorrow and Sunday to help move you from denial through the various stages of Coachella-less grief. Of course, if you're a regular here, you've probably already found Day 1 and Day 2.

On to the weekend, people! Yankee games (no rain! no rain!), keggers, and a bunch of running. What's everyone getting into??

&amp;amp;lt;a href="http://thekickdrums.bandcamp.com/album/the-indio-sessions-day-one" target="blank"&amp;amp;gt;Coachella Day One Intro by The Kickdrums&amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;gt;

Lupe Fiasco and B.o.B Live at the Fillmore Irving Plaza, NYC, 4/10/2010

2010-04-14T20:16:00.009-04:00

I wanted to get some thoughts down before this became untimely, and then I woke up and it was Wednesday. Well, screw it - here are some thoughts on Lupe Fiasco and B.o.B bringing the Steppin Lasers Tour to the Fillmore Irving Plaza last Saturday, April 10:

I don't want to say that I was more excited for the opener than the headliner (even though I sort of did), but having seen Lupe once before, I already knew the kind of high-energy, max-effort performance he was going to bring to the stage. On the flip side, I have had my eye on the Atlanta-based rapper once known as Bobby Ray since the very early days of Schiff Happens, and now that my attention has finally been rewarded recently with the massive success of the single "Nothin' On You," I was pretty damn hyped to see what kind of performance we were going to get out of him, especially considering that he's on the bill for all those awesome summer festivals I wish I were attending. Actually, let's keep things positive and not get started down that bitter, festival-less road.

I was a bit nervous when he opened the set with just a mic and a d.j., especially knowing that he's all about playing the guitar and playing with the typical rap style, but after two or three songs his full band was out there rocking behind him. Soon enough after that, B.o.B pulled out the guitar and let us know that he likes to name all his axes -- a feather-adorned acoustic, we learned, was known as "War Hawk" -- urging the crowd to offer suggestions for guitar names on his twitter page. Although there was a glimpse of it during an a capella run-through of "Generation Lost," Bob's true passion emerged when he was armed with the six-string. He's a talented rapper and lyricist, but his talent goes well beyond that. He has a wide range of abilities that could allow him to reach a much broader audience, which he displayed during an passionately-delivered acoustic number called "Letters From Vietnam."

Even though I went in hyping the emcee to my concert crew, I was surprised to see as many fans as I did who were not only eager to pour out their b.O.b love, but displayed a high degree of familiarity with the music. This was definitely not lost on Bobby Ray, either, appearing flat-out giddy at times as he chuckled his way through the set and definitely had a few "Wow, really? Okay!" moments when the crowd sang along or responded to certain things. He displayed his incredible talent and had a great time while doing it, and as a lover of live music, that's all I ever ask of the performers I go to see. B.o.B made a lot of believers at the Fillmore on Saturday night, and I suspect many more will join them after his debut album, The Adventures of Bobby Ray, comes out on April 27.

As for the headliner, the room was packed to the brim and teeming with excitement for Lupe's set, and he delivered in the usual body-heaving, shadow-boxing, sweat-flying fashion that his fans (and critics) have come to expect. Personally, I'll never understand the backhanded comments sometimes directed Lupe's way that he goes "too hard" on stage, like it's an act that somehow detracts from the musical performance. To me, all of that stuff is the heart of live music. You're not just up there to play your music for me, you're there to create a body and soul experience. Happily for me and the screaming, unwashed masses jamming the Fillmore, Lupe set out to do just that as he ran through a mix of fan favorites and new joints from his upcoming album Lasers.

Classic favorites like "Go Go Gadget Flow" and "Superstar" notwithstanding, there were two highlights for me. Alright, three if you include Lupe introducing Diggy Simmons (yeah, that Diggy Simmons) as his newest label- and supergroup project-mate (I know, I know). However, from our angle, we couldn't see young Digs, and we were always Russy fans anyway, so we're going with two main highlights. First, Lupe's performance of the new song "Beautiful Lasers," which he prefaced by telling the emotional tale of how he the song was born during a dark period in his life as he "put down the gun and picked the pen up" to write it. If that is to be taken literally, it gives whole new meaning to "Hip Hop Saved My Life." But even if it didn't happen exactly like that, it's some heavy imagery and a profound reminder that life is a gift, and there's always more to gain by giving a piece of yourself to the world than selfishly taking yourself out of it.

The other standout moment from the night was the final number - a freestyle that lasted nearly 10 minutes. This wasn't your typical freestyle, which is generally speaking less a freestyle and more pre-written rhymes rapped as though they're being improvised. This was very clearly Lupe Fiasco weaving spoken-word poetry all alone on stage. I was impressed, if not pumping my fist and yelling "OOOOHHH!" after every verse (although, as you'll hear if you watch the video below, some idiots can't be helped, regardless of the setting...."Shots fired!!").

A lot of people like to hate on hip-hop as a washed out, auto-tuned landscape overrun with fake gangsters and bereft of creativity, but B.o.B and Lupe Fiasco put on a show in NYC over the weekend that displayed the best of the artistic expression, creativity and range of talent that the genre has to offer.

P.S. Yes, I took those (better than average considering I was in a packed crowd fairly far away) photos.

And because live music is awesome, click here for a few B.o.B tracks from Sunday night's show. [All The Way Live]

WTF It's April? [Schiff Happens Quarterly Review]

2010-04-05T23:40:00.010-04:00

College basketball is over,* baseball has (finally!) begun - it's April. In what feels like a flash, we're already a quarter of the way into 2010. It's time for a look back - and a look ahead. In the spirit of my recent return to the workforce (more on that momentarily), it's time for an official Schiff Happens First Quarter Review.

Entering Q1, Schiff Happens was at a crossroads, still reeling from the epic suckfest of a year so brutal it can't even be spoken of by name. Yet out of the shitheap came a glimmer of hope, dreams of promise for a great year in 2010. There were big challenges and high expectations ahead.**

We started off Q1 by bidding a bittersweet farewell to the Greatest Reality TV Show in the History of Ever. I was high from all the hairspray fumes I inhaled getting ready for the finale party, so it took me a few extra days to let it go. Not to worry, though, fist-pumpers. Looking ahead, we should be lucky enough to have Sitch, Snooks, Pauly D and the whole gang back in our lives - hopefully late Q2, almost certainly early Q3. As if it were possible, the show will become even less Jersey, as season 2 will take place in Miami.

Another Q1 highlight: The Schiff Happens name made the jump across the pond. I was interviewed by a BBC documentary crew and poised to appear alongside such Internet royalty as Al Gore, Tim Berners-Lee and Bill Gates. However, the BBC web player only allowed you to access the show from inside the UK. Oh, sweet irony! I wondered, "If you get interviewed by a prestigious international television network for being the guy who defriended his facebook friends for a free Whopper, and nobody in America can watch it, did it really happen?" It's the age-old philosophical conundrum. However, I am delighted to report that as we enter Q2, the show has at least made its way to YouTube. Enjoy the video below and have at it in the comments.

My primary Q1 objective was always to get a job, but due to financial constraints, that missive quickly morphed into "Generate income by any means necessary." I found myself taking a part-time gig shilling sneakers in one of New York's oldest sporting goods stores, which, as part-time gigs go, really wasn't bad. Frankly, it forced me to drag my ass out of bed in the morning, shed the Snuggie of unemployment, and begin to rejoin the rest of society. In the end, I'm grateful that the opportunity came along. As always seems to be the case, my job search was a case of feast or famine, and after months of turning up nothing, contacts were being established and networks were expanding almost immediately upon starting my new role. Within a few weeks I was interviewing and, I am excited to say, accepted a brand new full-time job. I try not to to mix business with the proceedings around here, but I will say that I am working at one of the top young internet companies around right now, I'm surrounded by bright, focused people in a laid back atmosphere that encourages creativity, and am extremely well-nourished thanks to the greatest office kitchen I have ever been around.

In addition to getting me re-focused and refreshed, working in the sporting goods store also led to something of a running renaissance for me. Spending so much time around running shoes, runners and the sport of running in general inspired me to sign up for a half marathon and train seriously for the first time since my high school glory days. All of a sudden, I'm on a team for charity and committed to run the ING New York City Marathon in November. More on all this to follow in the weeks and months ahead (and trust me, there will much more because you're all going to be donating), but for now I hope you'll direct your attention to Schiff Happens' most recent side venture: Run, Schiff, Run! Follow my awesome Tumblr for every mile - if you ever run with me or come watch me cross a finish line, I'll be sure you get a cameo. Running: an unexpected Q1 development that created new goals to carry us through Q2, 3, and 4. Who knew?

In the final post of Q1, I promised a future post on Festival Season, but looking ahead to Q2 and beyond, it's simply an impossibility that Schiff Happens will be able to attend one of the most perfectly constructed festivals in recent memory (of this generation?) or make a repeat appearance at the big 'Roo, which gets ever-more enticing each time you put it away and come back to it. So what does that leave us, musically, going forward? For starters, a lot of vicarious living. I've been loving The Kickdrums' Indio Sessions mixtapes for the last couple of weeks (Day 1, Day 2) and am excited for the release of Day 3 to complete the set. We're also left with prayers for miracles. There's a less than minuscule, impossible chance that I may be in New Orleans with the new job for the last 3 days of April, positioning me perfectly for Weekend 2 of Jazz Fest. Send the good vibes my way, people!

Mostly, though, we're now charged with creating an old-fashioned summer tour out of the local shows at our disposal, unaided by a huge festival to help catch all the big names of the now. That means Lupe Fiasco (with opening act b.O.b., which, truth be told, I may be more excited for) this Saturday night at Irving Plaza. That means I'm still intrigued by the possibility of checking out newly reformed Sublime With Rome at Roseland Ballroom in May. I know it's not the same without Brad, but Sublime remains one of my favorite bands of all time and I'm willing to see what Eric and Bud have to offer with a new frontman. That means the big musical story of the summer will be Phish. Again. A year after I said 5 shows in one summer was too many, I'll be heading out to 4 in 3 cities from late-Q2 to mid-Q3 Amazing how the more things change, the more they stay the same.

The end of Q1 has brought back the gorgeous weather and Sundays in Central Park that we longed for throughout the snowy, frigid winter. We've got more than a few excellent positives to build on as we forge deeper into 2010, a year that began with such high hopes.*** The seeds have been planted and we're on the verge of greatness, now we just have to see it through. Of course, we can still improve - not a single Springsteen mention in an entire quarterly report?! - but so far, 2010, you're so money and you don't even know it.****

*Sitting down to author this post as the starting lineups are being introduced. I don't see it shaking out this way, but I really hope Butler takes down the Dookies. Wouldn't be the first time Schiff Happens looked on and blogged in amazement while an unlikely upstart took down Coach K's cake eaters.

**I'm still dreaming of a world where Butler beats Duke in the NCAA Championship. Still don't think it will happen, but the Bulldogs are putting up a fight (down 2 with the ball 8:21 to go in the 1st half)

***High hopes including watching Duke lose in the NCAA Tournament Championship Game... to Butler. Bulldogs have the ball with 13 seconds left, trailing by just 1. If this happens, anything truly is possible for us good guys in 2010. Could it be???

****Gordon Hayward just missed a potential game-winner for Butler that was nearly identical to Sean Singletary's game-winner vs. Duke in the game referenced above. Freakin' Duke. At least Singler got trucked on the final play. This game is over, and this post needs to be too. G'night, Canada!

Friday Jams are back on the eve of Worldwide Fame

2010-02-19T14:32:00.008-05:00

Hey there, Schiff Heads! I know Ive been gone for a minute, but I told you things would be different in 2010 and that I'd never leave you hanging indefinitely like I did a few times back in The Year That Was Naught, and I'm sticking to my promise.

In the coming days we'll be breaking down the lineups for my three favorite festivals coming up this season and trying to decide which one you should be zeroing in on if you can only attend one, as all early signs indicate will be the case for Schiff Happens. However, the focus today is once again my ever-expanding global fame.

That's right, friends and fans of Schiff, the glorious moment is upon us! Tomorrow night on BBC Two, the final installment of The Virtual Revolution, starring the one and only Schiff Happens as "The Whopper Guy," airs for the whole world to see. Now, in this case, "The whole world" does not necessarily refer to the United States, or anywhere outside of the UK. However, the full episodes (at least the first 2) have been included in what the show's site is calling its 3D Documentary Explorer, a nifty little device that allows you to watch the shows in full, or explore individual elements in depth via a web of interconnected sites related to elements of each episode. Hopefully, Episode 4 will follow suit in due time. If not, we'll be here, waiting on pins and needles for The Virtual Revolution to finally land on BBC America.

So to celebrate this momentous achievement in Schiff Happens fame, we're bringing back a long-forgotten tradition that never should have been abandoned. Ladies and gentlemen, a warm welcome back to Friday Jams!

It's only appropriate that this week's Friday Jams feature a meeting of great minds from New York City and England, and with that in mind we give to you something we've been meaning to share for a minute now: Wu-Tang Vs. The Beatles: Enter The Magical Mystery Chambers.

I know you might be thinking, "Damn it, Schiff, another mash-up!?" or "Didn't Dangermouse already do this on The Grey Album?" but this isn't what you're used to, or what you're expecting. Turns out a 28-year-old music teacher from Brighton, England named Tom Caruana spent two months putting this together, going beyond the typical mash-up style of just slapping a vocal track over a different beat. Chambers mashes Wu-Tang a capellas with archival sound from interviews and newsreels, alternate instrumental samples and cover versions of Beatles classics, creating a new kind of mashup altogether. It had been downloaded over 27,000 times as of last month, and it's sort of amazing. Plus, the genius behind it is a freaking music teacher, an everyday bum like the rest of us, who says that if he ever met Paul or Ringo he'd say “'Cheers for putting in the great work over the years. You’re legends.' And then give them a high-five and run off quickly.” And if that doesn't get you, just look at him.

Ah-dorable.

Now go download it (It has been pulled from Caruana's site but that link will let you at least listen to it and points you to a direct download link. Sorry, best I could do), then keep an eye out over the weekend for your favorite international superstar. Like our friends across the pond might chant at their soccer matches, there's only one Schiff Happens.

Schiff Happens Has Officially Gone International [Fame]

2010-01-30T17:43:00.012-05:00

Those of you who have stuck with me since the beginning might recall that around this time last year (almost to the day, wow), Schiff Happens rose to national prominence when I was featured in the New York Times as the world's foremost expert on defriending people on Facebook in exchange for a free Whopper sandwich from Burger King. Word of my fame eventually traveled across the pond to the UK, and towards the end of The Year That Was Naught, Schiff Happens took the next step toward world domination when I was interviewed about the same topic on camera by the BBC. You read that correctly - the freaking BBC! We international, baby!

Unfortunately, I managed to blog through the entire Rest Of '09 without mentioning this little nugget of awesomeness (Or, I should say, quarter-pounder of awesomeness. See what I did there?). It happened during the World Series, so I guess it got lost in the shuffle of me attending Game 2 for free and meeting Uncle Jesse. Makes sense, really. I mean...Stamos. Anyway, it turns out that throughout the last year, the BBC had been putting together a massive documentary project about the World Wide Web, looking back at 20 years of the Internet to try and express how it has dramatically changed our world and predict where it might be heading. Pretty intriguing stuff. The fourth episode of the series is all about how the Web has changed the nature of human interaction, and in their research the producers at the BBC had stumbled upon the Whopper Sacrifice and fallen in love with its subversive nature (as I had) as a case study in how we define friendship on the web. They contacted me via Facebook, naturally, and asked me if I would be willing to tell my Whopper story on camera, and ultimately be featured in the project. I can vividly recall Susanna Posnett, the Assistant Producer who first spoke to me about the show, telling me in her classic English accent, "My director told me to find a Whopper Guy and, well, you're my Whopper Guy." Now if that doesn't scream "You've made it," I don't know what does.

I was happy to oblige, and the rest, as we say around here, is history. About a week after that initial conversation, I was sitting in a midtown diner next to Dr. Aleks Krotoski, the host of the documentary, telling the tale that made Schiff Happens famous. A cameraman stood behind the diner counter and filmed us as we conversed, with matching plates of burgers and fries in front of us, about the utter hilarity inherent in deleting an online relationship with ten people you probably weren't even friends with in the first place for the equivalent of one-tenth of a fast food sandwich that you probably didn't even want to eat in the first place. It was an extremely fun and memorable experience, made even more rewarding by the high praise I received from Krotoski, Posnett, and director Molly Milton, who agreed that I was one of their favorite interviews of the entire series. To put that in perspective, these people traveled the globe interviewing all-time geniuses and Internet hall-of-famers including Bill Gates, Al Gore, Arianna Huffington, Stephen Fry, Mark Zuckerberg, and Tim Berners-Lee. Oh, you say you invented the World Wide Web? I'm sorry, I wasn't listening - I'm the Whopper Guy!

This is all to bring you up to speed and let you know that the series, titled "The Virtual Revolution," started last night with Episode 1: "The Great Leveling?" on BBC 2, and debuts at the end of February on BBC World. The series will be broadcast in the US, so all of you, my tens of adoring fans, will definitely be able to watch my leap from mere national fame to worldwide superstardom. Dates for American airings are still being sorted out, but I am in contact with the show's directors and will be sure to get that info to you as soon as it's available. They've also promised me DVD copies of the entire thing, so maybe we'll get a special Schiff Happens screening together. For now, check out the preview video below, follow the series on Twitter @BBCDigRev, and be sure to check out the program's official web site. It's chock full of interviews and source video and all kinds of great information on the series, and is in itself a must-see example of open source goodness for all you Internetty types. In fact, as incentive for you to see what it's all about, Schiff Happens will personally buy a free Whopper meal for the first person who can find me in the annals of the Virtual Revolution site. I promise, I'm there somewhere.

Until then, stay tuned right here. Schiff Happens, the global phenomenon coming soon to a burger joint near you.

Fist Pumping in the Old Country

2010-01-26T18:22:00.007-05:00

(Thanks to the superb Tumblr "Black and WTF")

I believe that's DJ Pauly Polka in the center, rocking the first ever blowout. And there's Claus Von Situationsteinn right up in his grill - a truly epic moment in photography capturing the original Bavarian Beat Battle.

To be honest, with all the Jersey Shore parodies and spoofs we've seen, I'm actually shocked we haven't seen a Fist Pump Polka from the king of all parodies. I would gladly pay money to see this happen, especially since I haven't already paid to see Weird Al in concert twice in my life. Nope, definitely never did that....

/Finds worn-out "Alapalooza" CD. Polkas. Sobs.

Conan and Sandler Flip Off NBC, Jersey Shore Rips Off This Blog

2010-01-21T01:36:00.019-05:00

Last night was noteworthy as far as Schiff Happens late night tv watching is concerned, which is completely unrelated to the fact that this post is first going up around 3pm. Completely unrelated.

First, Adam Sandler made a fantastic appearance on the Tonight Show as one of Conan OBrien's final guests (check the full show here to see how Conan wasted $1.5 million of NBC's money, and witness the return of an old furry friend). Sandler, rocking the faded green Jets tee (Gang Green don't say I never gave you any love!), serenaded the host and revealed the story of how he and Chris Farley didn't leave Saturday Night Live on their own terms but were actually fired by NBC in 1995 despite being pretty much the funniest humans on the planet at the time. The moment recalled better days at SNL and NBC, when Conan, Sandler, Farley and a generation of standard-bearing comedians collaborated each week to produce some of the most hilarious moments we've ever witnessed. But it also served to show that genius truly is so often unappreciated in its time. The interview fittingly ended when Sandler summed

things up with his then-manager's reaction to the situation those 15 years ago (and Smellson's new favorite quote from now on I can almost guarantee), "NBC: Nothin But C***s!"

After that, I caught "Jersey Shore: Spoof'd!" on MTV. It has apparently been rerunning for a week already, but try as I might, I can't be everywhere this insanely overexposed show is all the time, so I was seeing it for the first time. It was a collection of all the spoofs and sketches that have been passed around to no end since the show stormed into our lives as the greatest reality train wreck in television history, and was noteworthy for just one reason: If the guidos liked a clip, they threw a fist pump as a seal of approval, complete with a fancy graphic.

This is important because, as my tens of faithful readers will no doubt concur, the whole gimmick, is just a repackaged ripoff of The Jersey Fist - my Jersey Fist! I invented rating things on a scale of fist pumps, damn it! I had even just recently resized this photo, featured in this post, to serve as our new official Jersey Fist in future posts.

It's the same as MTV's graphic! Unbelievable. These are the perils of being famous. You pay homage to the glory of the great Garden State and a bunch of Sleaseside guidos rip you off.

So how do we plan to fire back at this outrage, you ask? Well, Schiff Happens is here to officially announce the Jersey Shore Boycott! Won't you join me? Just say "No" to guidos!

Just kidding. I could never stay mad at you, Shnookieshpookies. Finale party is officially on tonight, and the RonRon juice will be flowing! Drop me a line for details. Until then, can we please get Snooks into one of those Snickers commercials? I can see it now...

Inside Karma, a crowd of guidos are battling on the floor.

Voiceover: "Hungry? Grab a Snickers!"

Russ aka "Ron" grabs Snooki and takes her for a piggy-back ride to the beach, where he proceeds to not fuck her. Snooki returns to the house, dejected.

Snookers: "Waaahhh! Nobody wants to f*** me in this town! What the f***?! I'm the f***ing Princess of F***ing Poughkeepsie!"

RonRon: "Still not smushed, err, satisfied? Would you f*** a Gatorade bottle at this point? Try one of these."

Tosses Snickers a Snickers, who voraciously sucks the nuts out of the candy bar, then proceeds to do herself with it.

Snooks: "What? I eat it a certain way!"

It basically writes itself.

Must Go! Must Buy! [Coachella 2010 Lineup!]

2010-01-20T01:30:00.010-05:00

You guys! You guys! I'm seriously!

Some time Tuesday night the Coachella lineup was born unto this earth, and like Moses descending Mount Sinai bearing the 15 10 Commandments, it was a miracle sight to behold.

And lo didst the Festival Gods shineth down their light upon Indio. And yeah, it was good, and Schiff rejoiced.

Is this the best festival card you've ever seen?

The Official Jersey Shore Drinking Game [Fist Pumping!]

2010-01-14T14:49:00.006-05:00

It's here! It's here! After a long, frigid week, a brand new episode Jersey Shore is finally here again!

I have no idea how many episodes are left, but this week the housemates are taking a road trip to Atlantic City, which seems to me like a last big hurrah before winding down to a finale. If that's the case, it's time to take a cue from Snooki and start living it up!

No more bitching out like Sammi and Ronnie - henceforth, every minute of Jersey Shore is your last (Yes, for now let's ignore the insanely awesome rumor that the entire cast is coming back for a second season). It's time to put on your bedazzled fleur de lis tee and creep like you've never creeped before! Battle that beat like your life depended on it! Get your GTL on every dam day! Suck the ever-lovin shit out of that Vlasic! For goodness sake punch someone in the damn face! These are the precious final moments - cherish them, people!

In that spirit, here's the Official Jersey Shore Drinking Game (or at least the one that about a dozen of us played last week). For authenticity, you can blend up some RonRon juice like we did - "Whenever that shit comes out, it's always a filthy night" - but all you really need is plenty of beer and a stash of liquor for the occasional shot. Happy fist pumping!

The Jersey Shore Drinking Game, Official Rules:

1. The names of all the housemates are put into a hat and each person draws one. If you're drinking with more than 6 people, just put the names back and draw again until everyone has their housemate. When your guido talks to the camera, take a drink.

2. If anyone actually calls Snooki "Snooki," finish your drink.

3. If they call her anything else - Snook, Shnooks, Snickers, Shnicks, Snicky-Snicky-Shnoiks, Shnookumspookums - it's a social.

4. If the housemates all sit down for family dinner, everybody does a toast and takes a healthy chug. Except for whoever has Sammi Sweetheart - she's excluded from chicken cutlet night. She also has to refill the cup of whoever has The Situation... that ungrateful Flintstone big toe havin' bitch.

5. When they fist pump, we fist pump. Any fist pumping battle scene starts a waterfall. Everyone drinks while fist pumping and doesn't stop doing either until there's no more fist pumping happening on screen.

6. And of course, no Jersey Shore drinking game would be complete without this BASEketball-inspired rule: Do a shot every time a fight breaks out!

Follow these rules and you'll be craving ham and water in no time. By all means feel free to add your own and let me know what you come up with. Just please don't invite any sort of zoo creatures to my Jersey Shore party.

Well, I'm wasted! Who wants to smush?

We Want You To Be Happy

2010-01-13T13:39:00.006-05:00

So glad they're back.

Mash-Ups Make Me A Happy Panda

2010-01-05T14:28:00.010-05:00

"An hour of party-fest intensity sometimes followed by guilt because you're fist pumping to the vocals of a song that you probably talked shit on at some point in the past 5 months"

Sorry, couldn't resist that title.

For my mash-up heads, take note:

Get on that WHITE PANDA shit.

Confusion (quoted above) was the first one to plant the name "The White Panda" on my brain, and he recently had them on his "Underrated '09" list. Looking back, I clearly remember perking my ears up at Passion Pit vs. T.I. in "What You Know About Little Secrets" a few months ago, and even passing it on to a few people. Unfortunately, I have already fairly well achieved my resolution to repress most of my memories of 2009 - a year which I shall henceforth in this space and in conversation replace with "The Year That Was Naught" (TYTWN) - and The White Panda got lost in the shuffle.

But that was 'Naught. This is now. The new year has the mash-up duo of Procrast and DJ Griffi offering their debut mixtape, "Versus," to keep our fists pumping. Click play below to start the party, but only do so if you're fully prepared to battle. "Versus" is a hour-long assault, and you're going to have to beat back the beat to see the other side.

Versus (The White Panda Mixtape) by whitepandamusic

Or check out their web site for all the downloads and details. Get after it!

Wherein I See Phish and the World Series for $5 Total [Rest Of 2009]

2009-12-31T20:08:00.008-05:00

We're coming down to the wire and there's no time to lose, so here's the rest of The ~~Best~~ Rest Of 2009.

A few months after the most glorious concert experiences of my life, a friend of mine was offering around extra tickets for the last leg of Springsteen's tour, which included a mini-residency at Giants Stadium. These concerts would be the last for Bruce in the venue that vaulted him into worldwide arena rock superstardom, as the new Giants Stadium (and I'll be calling it that regardless of whatever corporate name gets stickered all over it, so deal with it, Jets fans) is set to open in 2010. Clearly I had to be there and jumped at the chance. I was met with an interesting choice: General Admission floor seats for the second-to-last night, or 100-level seats for E Street's last ever Giants Stadium show? For some, it seems like a no-brainer. Go for the tour and stadium closer, where the band is bound to pull out all the stops and, given the historical significance of the venue, there may even be a special guest or two. However, recall my Bonnaroo epiphany and you'll see why I made the choice that I did. It simply had to be the floor. After being so close to The Boss that I could see the sweat flying off of his pumping Jersey fists, there was just no way I was opting for the seats, even if it meant gambling that the second-to-last E Street show at Giants Stadium would measure up to the finale. Observe below to see why I clearly made the right choice.

My favorite part about this is that more than once in the video you can clearly hear me muttering, "Where's The Boss man? Where is he?" only to have him emerge into view mere feet from our position. My second favorite part is the fact that we somehow managed to not notice the mini stage in the center of the floor just to our right until Bruce was standing on it. We were just in the right spot at the right time, and you're just going to have to believe me that it worked out that way. Oh, and 60-year-old Bruce crowd-surfing a solid 40 yards. I guess that's my third favorite part. It's the story of 2009 in a nutshell, really. All-time highlight memories sporadically cropping up amongst an otherwise murky sea of confusion and doubt.

This now puts us right smack in the thick of October, my favorite month of the year. If ever there was a saving grace for 2009, it was October. Not only did it include the aforementioned Bruce experience, but the YANKEES WON THE WORLD SERIES! If you know me or have read this here blog at all, you'll know how much the 2009 MLB Playoffs lifted up my Worst Year Ever. Some of you reading right now may have been there for this guy's birthday celebration, watching me jump for joy during Game 2 of the ALDS as A-Rod tied it with a HR in the bottom of the 9th and Teixeira walked it off with a wall-scraper in the 11th.

In the next round, I was able to score tickets for the Littlest Bro (who is ironically the biggest of we 3 Schiff Brothers) and I to see the Yanks take care of the Angels and capture their 40th pennant in Game 6 of the ALCS. Of course, our first attempt to see the game was rained out, but, as we saw time and time again in '09, out of the FAILstorm emerges a WIN. Because of the rainout, Littlest Bro was forced to head home, so myself and Middle Bro went to drop him off with our Aunt and Uncle who were heading back to Jersey after seeing John Stamos star in Bye Bye, Birdie on Broadway. That's right, folks, Uncle Jesse himself. Here at Schiff Happens, we have sung Stamos' praises before, but never did we expect to actually meet the proprietor of the Smash Club.* However, the stars aligned that night, leading to one of the greatest pictures ever taken of the Schiff Brothers.

Yes, I'm well aware that only half of my face is visible. I stand by my statement. Note to all of you out there who will now attempt to stake out the Stamos: Try to avoid saying "Uncle Jesse on 3!" just before you snap the picture. Ask Littlest Bro about it.

As October turned into November, the Yankees ended nine long years of frustration with World Series win number 27 and another parade down Broadway. Yes, I'm well aware that complaining of the Yankees "struggles" is ridiculous. I apologize for nothing. I also should probably mention that I was in the house to watch the Bombers take down the Philthadelph in Game 2 of the World Series alongside Middle Bro, which was especially satisfying since we got to chant "Who's your daddy?" at Pedro Martinez all night. Probably should also mention that it was free. Hey, I said the highs were all-timers.

The final positive of 2009 was Phish's fall tour. For the first time ever I decided to try and check out an entire multi-night run, procuring tickets for Wednesday and Friday nights at Madison Square Garden, and Saturday night at my alma mater, The University of Virginia's John Paul Jones Arena. Of course, Thursday - the one night of the four I went into without a ticket - was the night of note. I joined my friends at the bar near MSG for their pregame, and just as I was about to go do a lap around the arena to scour for an extra, the guy next to me at the bar leaned over and said, "You need a ticket? Here you go." He pulled out a mail order ticket, I managed to mutter something along the lines of, "Are you serious?" and he said, "Sure, why not? I was gonna eat it anyway. Buy me a beer and it's yours." So, for the price of the beer I was able to ensure that I saw "Fluffhead" for the first time live. I'd call that a victory. Of course, that was also the night I learned that Jonathan Larsen, creator of RENT, died of an aortic aneurism, and didn't even have a little bit of AIDS. I'd call that a loss. A major loss. I have never felt so bamboozled in my life, and to be honest, I'm still getting over it a little bit. The story will have to wait for another time, because I'm getting emotional just thinking about it, and because quite frankly, it's 8:30 on New Year's Eve and we've all got some drinking to do.

So before you head out to whatever loft party, watering hole, or slump buster you're hitting up tonight, take a minute to view perhaps my favorite video of 2009. I call it, "How Not To Shoot a Concert Bootleg," and when you consider that this hilarious piece of pure, unadulterated FAIL was shot just moments after the incredible joy and good fortune captured in the "Hungry Heart" video above, it's the perfect sendoff for 2009, the Worst Year Ever. May 2010 be the most epic of WIN for all of us.

Happy New Year.

*Wow, definitely didn't remember that the original Stamos post was Yankees-related. Weird. Awesome.

Welcome to 2009, Now Get The F Out! [Rest Of 2009]

2009-12-31T17:50:00.023-05:00

Alright, so the Springsteen Bonnaroo story was a little long-winded, but deservedly so I think. If you haven't already, check the Picasa stream for all the highlights of Bonnaroo '09. The general gist of the festival is there, but with so little left of this year, we've got precious little time to waste as we continue to remember the ~~Best~~ Rest of 2009. I can almost guarantee that the highlights of the entire rest of the year won't take up as much space as the camera story. And we're off!

So, right after we made it back from Bonnaroo, I moved downtown and was fired from a shitty job that I hated anyway for showing up late to do something I wasn't hired to do in the first place. So it goes. It was a pretty miserable experience to have to deal with, but I figured it was life's way of telling me, "You'll thank me later."

A few weeks later, the night before I was supposed to fly down to Florida to watch one of my fraternity brothers walk the ~~plank~~ aisle* I found myself in the hospital with appendicitis. I figured that was life's way of telling me, "Nope, you were wrong." Looking back, though, this was a great moment. It was around this time when I decided that I'd had enough bullshit negativity. From that moment on, I would devote myself to being one of those positive people I can't stand. It has been a struggle, and while I can assure you that my cynicism and penchant for hatin' will never quite disappear, I have to admit that little by little, I started to feel the whole optimism thing coming back to me. Friends and family even told me they were noticing a change, and despite being jobless and recovering from surgery to remove a useless, vestigial organ, more quality memories emerged from the Worst Year Ever. Less than a week after the surgery, I was trucking up to Saratoga to see Phish once again, relying on my brother as a personal lean-to while nearly passing out for the entire second set to wrap up Summer Tour 2009.** Next, I hit Cape May for a week of relaxation before a bachelor party and another wedding Labor Day Weekend (this time I was able to attend), making Summer Sans Appendix a success.

Allow me to pause here, if I may, during the Cape May portion of this recap, to acknowledge that while 2009 may have been the WYE, it brought us perhaps the greatest television show of the Aughts. Of course I speak of the now-legendary Jersey Shore. I'm not going to dwell on this too much, especially since Cajun Boy has done such an admirable job of keeping us up to speed on all the fist-pumping madness over at Animal NY, but isn't it fitting that 2009, which was beyond awful, gave us a show so far beyond awful that it's truly amazing? I groaned in disgust when I first learned the premise of Jersey Shore, but I'm already hoping for a second season*** and tonight's new episode is pretty much the only part of New Year's Eve that I'm looking forward to (Aside from, of course, saying "Good thefuck riddance!" to 2009. You really can't understate just how craptastic this year was).

Actually, this seems like a good time for yet another short commercial break, but chill out, Freckles McGee - The Rest Of 2009 continues momentarily. In the meantime, amuse yourself with one of the most talked about viral videos of the year below. Snooki Punch '09, never forget.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

*Another 2009 phenomenon, by the way: My friends getting married. No, I have no idea what they're thinking either. I mean, uh, Mazel Tov, guys! Many happy returns! Hope getting married questionably young during the Worst Year Ever works out for you!

**Totally worth it.

***MTV, if you're out there, I have a few friends from back in the old neighborhood that you have to meet, ASAP!

The Worst Year Ever is Finally Over [It's safe to come out!]

2009-12-31T16:11:00.018-05:00

Well hey there, stinky britches! Didn't see you hangin around. I thought everyone had left. I certainly got the hell out of there. I guess after the Thriller was gone I just couldn't see a reason anymore.

Look, I have no idea why I abruptly vanished from these airwaves way back in June. This year just sort of shook out that way. Sure, the good moments included some all-time memories, and I intend to give thanks for that. However, for me, navigating through 2009 mostly felt like spelunking through a long, dark cavern of suck. I know I'm young in the big scheme of things, but this was by far the worst year I have ever experienced. And so, with that in mind, Schiff Happens presents to you not the Best Of, but simply "The Rest Of 2009." Here's hoping that we remember the few good times and otherwise ready ourselves to say good riddance to bad rubbish in the final moments of this decade. I can't promise that 2010 will be better, but can it really get any worse?

I guess I should probably begin where I so rudely left off by finishing the story of Bonnaroo. The short version is that we saw a bunch more music, attended the lamest Lebowski-Fest of all time, and witnessed the coming-true of my live music wet dream - Bruce and Phish, together on stage - from the front freaking row. Now you might be thinking to yourself, "Schiff, what in your wide fist-pumping world could possibly top rocking out to a Trey vs. Bruce 'Glory Days' guitar battle from mere feet away?" And you'd be right to ponder that question - until you heard the tale of Schiff's Epic Bonnaroo '09 Springsteen Miracle.

This isn't even the greatest story to come out of Bonnaroo '09. I know, seriously.

Saturday night's E Street set was obviously the most anticipated moment for our Bonnaroo group, and we decided we were going to rock out from the pit, or not rock at all. This proved to be excessively easy, as all we had to do was stand in a line beside the main stage while watching Wilco's set. Tough life, I know. Soon enough after Wilco finished up, the line was moving and we were there. And I mean there. Front row. Center. FIST. I had come prepared with my new video camera, knowing that I wouldn't want to miss a moment. The show came and went and E Street of course brought the power, as they do night after night after night after night. You all have seen the setlist by now so you know all the highlights (If you haven't, Backstreets has your back. Light scrolling required). Growin' Up. Thunder Road. Hell, Santa Claus even came to town. But what made this show a life-changer for me and our crew was our spot. When Bruce came down into the crowd during the "Badlands" opener, we were feet away. When Bruce brought a delirious hippie chick out of the crowd to Courtney Cox with him during "Dancing in the Dark," we could hear her squealing with joy. And when The Boss motioned for all of E Street to join him in the crowd for the final flourish of "American Land," we were feet away from the most hard-rockin accordion you ever saw. After that, I knew I'd only be able to see a Springsteen show from the floor for the rest of my life. How could I return to the seats after that experience? The best part? I captured all the highlights in 720p thanks to my trusty camcorder.

Needless to say, after the show we were wiped, so we took a seat toward the back of the main stage field to reflect and munch on some snacks. With the big stage closing for the night, a nearby festival vendor started shouting, "Free food!" Clearly we jumped at the opportunity, powered through a plate of some sort of festival grub or another, and headed back towards Centeroo to get started on Saturday's late night sessions. Approaching the fountain, I paused for one of my famous paranoid patdowns, checking each of my pockets for vitals. Wallet. Check. Phone. Check. Car key. Check. Video camera... Video camera?! In my haste to get up and chow down on free food, I had forgotten to grab the camera, which I had taken out of my back pocket and placed on the ground beside me so as not to crush it when I sat down. I grabbed my brother and cousin and we raced back toward the main stage.

Predictably, the entire area was closed off, with security guards flanking the entrances. I pleaded my case with a few of them to no avail. "Please!" I begged. "I know exactly where we were sitting!" Refusing to resign myself to the lost and found, I raised my voice one last time and demanded to speak to someone in charge. An older gentleman approached, looked me in the eye and asked if I could really take him to the exact spot where we were. "If I don't," I replied, "then you can give me a hard time. How about that?" He agreed and we were off again, trying to put as much distance between him and us so as to maximize our search time. I mean, I had an idea of where we had been, but it was dark and that field is huge. Soon we reached what I thought was the spot and frantically started looking around. I noticed an enormous truck circling the premises and feared that I'd find my camera in the shape of a pancake. My brother and cousin weren't seeing it. The truck passed by. Still nothing. My body froze over in a cold sweat. Then I heard someone calling out to me. It was the security geezer. He had caught up to us. My heart sank, fearing our last gasp was over. I honestly don't even remember what he said to me. All I remember is looking up, and seeing him toss something towards me. A black pouch. My camera case. Inside...the camera, fully intact! In that moment, my friends, I became the Luckiest Guy at Bonnaroo '09.

The true miracle here isn't just that we found the camera. It's that if we had not, the world would have been deprived of this. And this. And of course this. And you wouldn't all get to relive with me the greatest moment of my concert-going life. Observe below and enjoy while I steel myself for the rest of what I have to believe is the first-ever "Rest Of" countdown. Clearly I thought that the highs of '09 were few and far between enough to include in a single post, but we're going to have to make this a multi-parter. I promise I won't abandon you like last time. Believe in the Promised Land that is 2010.

Hail to the King of Pop [Michael Jackson]

2009-06-27T04:30:00.003-04:00

Michael Jackson is dead.

The King of Pop, gone.

Much has been said, many tributes have been written. As is so often the case, Dave Chappelle memorably sums the whole thing up exactly the way I would want to, but never could.

Chappelle's Show

Celebrity Trial Jury Selection

www.comedycentral.com

Buy Chappelle's Show DVDs

Black Comedy

True Hollywood Story

As always, Dave's absolutely right. I think all the proof you need can be seen in the faces of 1,500 orange jumpsuit-clad Phillipine inmates.

Thriller, man. Thriller.

The Bonnaroo Tales, Vol. II: Can I Live While I'm Young?

2009-06-24T00:15:00.023-04:00

Friday morning was cloudy, which is part of the reason I was able to sleep so well. But the other major factor was our campsite itself. It was the festival setup I've always wanted. Along the way from Jersey to 'Roo via JMaddy, we picked up my college freshman cousin and 5 of his hometown buddies. They rolled down Highway 81 from Boston in a rented minivan, and from the start clearly had no idea waht they were walking into. To the yoots' credit, they did a great job festivaling once we were down there. They all seemed to have a great time, and despite being grossly unprepared -- "Whoa, you guys brought a cooler?" -- really contributed to the campsite, namely with caffeine and liquor. Friday morning I was able to chug a mugful of Starbucks right to my brain thanks to a 150 year old device that I had never seen or heard of before. According to Wikipedia, "French pressed coffee is usually stronger and thicker and has more sediment than drip-brewed coffee." Oddly, I found myself saying the same thing about the fresh pressed product I left in the toi-toi a few minutes later.

We spent the better part of Friday morning foraging around our neighborhood for various necessities and sundry items. We found a perfect flagpole and doubled the height of our crucial campsite landmark, the sweet California bruin flag. We wandered across the campgrounds and slugged through a bunch of mud to hang out for a bit with Adam's friend from college and my homegirl Hippie Katie, then wandered back and had a delicious lunch of turkey sandwiches and ham grilled cheeses, all courtesy of the legendary Meatbag Magician. Fat and satisfied, we ventured to Centeroo and caught the end of Santigold's set.

Santi kept the crowd bouncing, but capturing the attention of myself and many of those around me were a pair of sign language interpreters perched on an edge of the soundboard area. I always find this hilarious. They were mouthing every lyric, dancing to the beat, half signing, half raving with all kinds of sassy, hearing impaired gusto. I'm not saying deaf people shouldn't go to festivals, but no matter how well somebody lip-syncs and keeps a beat... I mean... they still can't really hear the concert, right? Someone might want to send me to sensitivity training for this, but I just don't get it. It was funny. Forget it, moving on.

Adam, Mike and I agreed that Al Green was not to be missed, and we were all too happy to watch one of the true legends smiling from ear to ear as he glided and pranced around the main stage, sweating through a red-vested three-piece suit as the evening sun continued to beat down. Green may not heed the farmers' almanac, but he still has the moves. He also still has his way with the ladies (although you could say he had a rough go of it with his women at first), tossing roses into the crowd and stopping more that once to lament that he couldn't jump into the audience and spread a little bit more love. "These people came out here to love me, not to hurt nobody," he declared. And damn if I didn't want a piece of the Reverend right then and there.* The most important thing that he still had -- that voice. He can still hit those sweet soulful notes, and god bless him for it, I hope he can forever.

*Guessing this is the closest I'll ever feel to being Catholic.

As soon as Al Green waved us goodbye, we realized that we had made our way up to a great spot right up against the rail dividing the pit from the rest of the crowd, and decided to stay put and stake our claim to that land in the name of Schiff during Beastie Boys, before Phish's late night set. If I could take a mulligan on one Roo decision, I would take it right here. Beasties vs Byrne was easily the most awful scheduling conflict of the weekend going in, and I agonized over it until the moment of truth came. I made the mistake of valuing our spot on the rail over seeing the music that I knew would maximize my experience. Next time I get the chance to see the man who wears the Big Suit, I'm going to make sure to take it. It's not that I didn't enjoy the Beasties' set, but I knew exactly what was coming, having seen them once before. Always opt to see a new show for the first time, especially if it's an artist you love. I consider myself a live music veteran, but this decision was total amateur hour. I knew I flubbed it the entire time, too. I just didn't pull the trigger on it because I was so into having that spot for Phish, who were involved in the second worst Bonnaroo scheduling conflict -- against Public Enemy. It would have been cool to see P.E. perform "It Takes A Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back," and everyone knows how much love I have for ya boy, but I was left uninspired to make that move after seeing the Worst Fake Flav of All Time. I must have screamed "Flava Flaaavvv!" at this assclown a dozen times, and not once did he respond. If you're out there, bullshit Fake Flav, you suck. You mean to tell me you're willing to parade yourself around dressed like an asshole, but not act the part? For chrissakes, you're sitting on your fat, useless ass reading the fucking paper! Everyone knows Flava Flav can't read! Disgraceful.

Worst. Flav. Ever. Where's EK when you need him?

Point is, you can't go back, only forward, and inevitably we made it (finally) to the first main event of the weeknd: Phish on the main stage, Friday night at 11. It was a high-energy performance right from the gate, featuring another Chalkdust Torture opener like we had seen in Camden (Best show of the early summer tour leg? Methinks yes.), and the strong set of Divided Sky, Possum and Down With Disease hyping the action in the pit and around us to its first real fever pitch of the weekend. But after 8+ hours on my feet and the never enjoyable Wading In the Velvet Sea beginning to take form, I told Adam I had to get out of there. I recharged with a festival gyro and bottle of water, and after an entire night of overvaluing our precious rail spot, packed in amongst a few particularly insufferable Phish heads, I fittingly caught the hard-charging highlight of the festival to that point from a wide open patch of grass toward the back of the field. After Wading in the Velvet Shwag mercifully wrapped, the boys rolled through Harry Hood - always a personal favorite, though this version wasn't quite the pure joy of the previous Tuesday's Jones Beach edition - then covered Highway to Hell for the first time in over 12 years, jammed into 2001, and segued from YEM > Wilson > YEM in what felt like a moment of accidental perfection to close their set at 2:15am. An appropriate cover of the Beatles' A Day in the Life shut down the main stage for Friday night (at this point Saturday morning), and we ventured over to Girl Talk to close out the late late session.

Greg Gillis provided us with a predictably fun dance party, but I think at that point, for us it was just a little bit of noise that we didn't have to think too much about. Something to keep us bobbing and energized long enough to make it back to camp and crash. Before we did, we needed one last quick conversation about our strategy for Saturday -- the big day. Bruce Day. We decided we'd drive it to Firenze (we named our camp after our second landmark flag, a purple banner bearing red fleur de lys, purchased in Florence) for a cookout dinner pregame around 5, then hit up our same spot 3 hours or so before The Boss. That same, overrated spot. We didn't know that our well-intentioned plan wouldn't come to fruition, or that this would turn out to be the best thing that could have possibly happened to us. Content with our agenda, still spinning and exhausted from our long day of music, and with the sun rising on our first nearly 36 hours of Bonnaroo, it was time to make that move.

Pillow.

Face.

The Bonnaroo Photos, Vol. I: Sleepyhead

2009-06-20T02:37:00.006-04:00

Like I said, Bonnaroo is a time warp. It's an altered state of consciousness, where time simultaneously stands still and flies by. You feel at once isolated from the whole world and enveloped in a seething mass of humanity. And although I got a great night's sleep on Thursday, there's no denying that arriving at Bonnaroo is akin to stepping into a bizarre sort of dreamlike consciousness. So, for those of you who are either too lazy to read or simply can't process a story without a visual aid, here's Bonnaroo, Day 1 In Pictures, appropriately soundtracked by Passion Pit's "Sleepyhead." If you haven't heard of Passion Pit yet, just wait -- you will. They kicked off the festivities Thursday night with a house-rocking dance party, and their ability to pump up the excitement and anticipation of a road-weary crowd to delirious levels illustrated why this jam could very easily become one of the massive club hits of the summer.

My beard grew down to the floor and out through the doors
Of your eyes, begonia skies like a sleepyhead, sleepyhead

The Bonnaroo Tales, Vol. I: Runnin' On Empty

2009-06-19T23:19:00.017-04:00

Yea it's taken me a while to talk some Bonnaroo. It's taken me a while to talk some anything. Well...tough. Sorry, that's all I have to say about it. Oh, that, and you're gonna wait a little longer as I recap the festival day by day. You like it.

It's often said that life isn't a sprint--it's a marathon. For this guy, the past 3 weeks or so have been some sort of delirious mash-up of the entire race. There's been a lot of talk among my circle recently of racing and running and living lots of life in a short while, and I feel like that's what I've been doing since I last posted, lo those many moons ago.

In the last two weeks I saw Phish in New York and New Jersey, drove to freaking Canada and back (a return trip that took 12 hours door-to-door and a Baseball Roadshow that deserves its own post entirely), and ran my Yankee Stadium record to 4-0 on the year so far -- all while looking for a 3 bedroom apartment in Manhattan. All this immediately followed a week that had completely rocked my world. I found myself reuniting with slews of old friends, and even a couple of exes. I have crammed what feels like a lifetime's worth of chaos, stress, action, confusion -- and yes, fun -- into a relatively short amount of time. There are many tales yet to be written, but the big one - or at least the story that best encompasses all of what I've been feeling these last few weeks - is Bonnaroo.

Bonnaroo is a literal and figurative time warp. As you make your way to the festival – at least if you’re truly road trippin' it – the miles and hours pile up and the journey feels interminable. Though we arrived in Manchester around 7:30 Thursday evening and made it inside after only a short wait (leaving us exactly enough daylight to set up camp and avoid a torrential downpour -- 'Roo Success #1!), some unfortunate souls are made to wait upwards of 5 hours to physically enter the festival grounds from the highway. The whole experience can feel like a never-ending odyssey. But once you reach your destination, the opposite effect occurs. Time seems to simply melt from one music-filled moment to the next. By the time the festival hits full stride, you’re not quite sure where one day starts and the next ends, and the places you’ve come from and intend to be going to at festival’s end feel like distant planets from a bygone time. On top of this dreamlike state of consciousness brought on by the long journey, oppressive Tennessee heat, sprawling music schedule stretching from noon until 4am daily, and never-ending stream of wild and crazy people, the state of Tennessee spans two time zones. Apparently there’s a sign that indicates when you’ve crossed over into Central Time, but no one in our car got that memo, which made for a confusing start to the trip when we had to figure out what time to go see Passion Pit on Thursday night. So it goes. If the whole festival experience has a time warp element to it, this confusion was probably the most appropriate way to start. Passion Pit were jumping at This Tent, we danced around, unnecessarily circumnavigated the entire campground in pouring rain on the way back to our spot, dried off and went to bed. It was the best night's sleep I'd had in nearly a month.

From The States, Eh?

2009-05-29T00:28:00.006-04:00

Today, I depart for the True North strong and free, America's Hat -- Canada! It will be my first time setting foot on the shores of our northern neighbor, and if ESPN's resident blowhard assclown has any idea what he's talking about, the Canadian CVS will have just the thing to soothe my aching head, which has had just about all the stress it can take for one week. I don't need a lot, just enough to give you that POP, eh, Berman?

You always hope to have one Blue Jay game a year.
Little 8% Codeine never hurt anyone, I know exactly what this night is.

Strikes and Gutters, Ups and Downs

2009-05-28T17:31:00.012-04:00

It's been a long, draining week -- the kind that leaves you shaking your head, speechless, numb. When faced with a similar situation toward the end of The Big Lebowski (perhaps my favorite movie of all time, and one that has been there for me time after time), the flawed, if not passionate, Walter Sobchak is left with just one timeless thought:

"Aww, fuck it Dude. Let's go bowling."

I always thought that meant that when times get shitty, you turn to the things that have always been there to comfort you, even if they seem excessively ordinary and couldn't possibly offer more than a momentary escape. Maybe deep symbolism was never intended. Either way, I'm goin bowlin tonight.

Appropriately enough, as I ready myself for my first ever NYC bowling experience, I find an abundance of Dudeness on the interwebs. First:

"The New York Yankees have announced the addition of strictly kosher food offerings and Shabbat accommodations at their November 2009 and January 2010 Fantasy Camps. Glatt kosher food will be provided by Weberman Foods with OK supervision, and a Friday “Dream Game” will be played so Shomer Shabbat Jews can participate."

Walter would certainly be there, except he has to take Cynthia's Pomeranian bowling while she and Marty Ackerman are in Hawaii.
Walter Sobchak Approves [Fack Youk]

And secondly, Bonnaroo thought they didn't completely make my summer enough when they brought Phish, Bruce and the Beastie Boys (arguably the 3 cornerstones of my proverbial musical pyramid) together under one festival, so they decided to throw in their very own Lebowski Fest at the air-conditioned Bonnaroo Cinema tent. I guess now I need to bring along my purple Jesus Quintana bowling outfit in addition to my big suit. The big 'Roo starts exactly 2 weeks from today. There's your long overdue countdown alert. Meet me there for a much needed White Russian.
Bonnaroo Cinema [Bonnaroo.com]

The Dude abides.
I don't know about you, but I take comfort in that.

Three's Company [With the thing and the thing and the thing]

2009-05-21T08:52:00.009-04:00

Some people think that baseball season is too long.

If you meet one of these people, the appropriate response is to hit them over the head with a tack hammer, because these people are attention-deficient idiots.

Part of what makes baseball so great, and the marathon season so appealing, is that over the course of 162 games, you're pretty much guaranteed to see something, at some point, that you've never seen before. I've attended a fair amount of Yankees games in my life -- Here's an interesting little exercise: If you had to put a number to it, how many total times would you say you've joined the faithful in attendance at your favorite squadron's home ballpark? I've got my estimate at 50 in the real Yankee Stadium, with last night marking my second visit to Lonn Trost's House -- and only by virtue of the long season have I been given the chance to see some of the crazy things I've seen at 161 St. and River Ave.

Were the baseball season not seemingly interminable, odds are much slimmer that I'd have been in the house to see six pitchers combine to no-hit the Yankees for the first time in 45 years, a 2-homer game by A-Rod during his torrid 2007 summer, the 'Boston' standings flag flying inexplicably upside down (photo evidence available upon request), or the apocalyptic sight of "Your Opening Day starter, Carl Pavano." In sports with shorter seasons, you're lucky if you make it to a game or two. In baseball, you've got 81 chances to have a foul ball land in your seat while you're in the concourse putting ketchup on your hot dog, only to end up snagging a second foul pop to your section upon returning (And yes, every one of these things happened with this guy in attendance). Sure, every sport has its idiosyncracies and once-in-a-lifetime moments, but baseball's long season affords you the most chances to actually witness one live.

Last night, I got to be a part of another one of those moments. Looking on from Section 312, I watched Nick Swisher, Robinson Cano and Melky Cabrera hit back-to-back-to-back (and belly-to-belly-to-belly?) home runs in the bottom of the second, staking Phil Hughes and the Bombers to what would ultimately end in a lopsided eighth straight win for the Pinstripers. It was the first time the Yankees teed off for 3 straight dingers since 2005, and only the 11th time they've ever done it. I'll even credit myself with halfway calling the third, as I leaned over to my friend Rob and said, "Does Melky make it 3 in a row here, or is that too much wishful thinking?"

Hopefully I'll prove to have a knack for these kinds of moments this year. Fresh off the heels of three consecutive homers, I'll return to The Stadium tonight and try to run my record to a clean 3-0 on the season. And oh yea, Bonnaroo starts exactly three weeks from today.

It's Thursday, and it's absolutely beautiful. Apparently summer decided to just show up. Come and knock on our door.

Wherein the Subway Turnstile Dashes My Hopes [Life Imitating Art]

2009-05-19T19:45:00.003-04:00

Sometimes your personal soundtrack syncs with your life just a little bit too perfectly. Case in point, as I'm heading home from work today, I'm head-nodding along to a Phish song called "Possum."

For those that don't know (or don't care about that damn dirty hippie music), "Possum" is a bouncy little number in which the singer "Was driving down the road one day, [and] someone hit a possum." The refrain of the tune culminates with a three part harmony on the word "Possum," held for as long as the lungs will allow, followed by the shouting declaration, "Your end is the road!"

So, as the song is nearing it's jammed out conclusion, I enter the subway station and see the train parked in the station, open doors beckoning. Charging for the turnstile I quickly swipe my card and attempt to run to the waiting train, but feel myself slammed backward by the stuck turnstile as the LED indicator lights up "Swipe Card Again." The subway doors close and I hang my head in defeat, perfectly in sync with the song's final crescendo, having reached the end of my road.

Of course, I got on the next train and returned to the comforts of home. Ol' Possum wasn't quite so lucky.

Being Canadian: >, <, or = Being Disabled? [They're not even a real country anyway]

2009-05-14T11:21:00.009-04:00

I got caught in a Jaywalking moment at a party last weekend when I declared "O Canada" my favorite national anthem. I realize this is primarily because I'm obsessed with the South Park movie -- not the point. In defense of my choice, I said, "It's a simple tune but it's poetic, not too long and easy to sing." Then came my Leno-worthy blunder.

"Much easier than, uh... the one that we have..."

Then laughter. Specifically in my face and at me. In my defense, I did immediately remember the title of the STAR SPANGLED (EFFING)* BANNER.

*expletives added for emphasis. and fun.

This all got me thinking about other explanations for my appreciation of "O Canada," and served to up the hype for this year's edition of our annual MLB Barnstorming Tour: Northward, To Canada! The tradition has already produced its share of watershed moments, and the '09 edition is looking like it's going to be a winner as well. I started to wonder what pregame festivities Toronto would have to bust out to top the classics we've been lucky enough to experience-- I don't know that there's anything, but I've been proven wrong before.

Naturally, it wasn't long before I thought of the great Edmonton Oilers tradition of the home crowd singing the national anthem. It's eerie cool, and the video is worth watching for that alone. But this particular version vaults into Unintentionally Televised Unintentional Comedy Hall of Fame status at around the 0:55 mark. As the camera pans close up along the players on the bench, it winds up fixed squarely on a Molson-loaded Canuck in the front row, visible just over the shoulder of some Oiler player -- sorry, this is America, I can't be held accountable for hockey player identities -- belting out his loyalty to Canada like he wants everyone in the building to know all aboot it. I know they're pro athletes and they're in hyper focused playoff mode, but how does anyone keep their shit together with that going on not 3 feet away?

Meanwhile, if this video weren't hilarious enough (Mr. Canadian Cameraman, wherever you are, thank you), now go back and take a closer look at Number 10 standing behind the plate in the Disability Day national anthem video...

Tell me that's not the same hoser from the front row in Edmonton! They match in every respect, from physical looks to over-excitedly Hulking Up at the end of their respective anthems. Get that guy off the field! He's not disabled -- he's just Canadian!

Alright, so you can understand how the Disability Awareness Day organizers might have missed that one...

Rupert Jee does not appreciate your blog neglect

2009-05-12T00:00:00.009-04:00

I get so mad at myself each time i come back to one of these blog neglect posts. I'm going to do the same thing this time as I always have when confronted with a dearth of inspiration or an apparent lack of available hours in the day: resolve to write more, stay creating, and soak up all the things that make me happy.

There really has been a ton going on, too. It's like the boulder has just begun gathering steam, and I get the feeling that summer is going to get here and crush everything in its path like a steamroller. But that's no excuse not to express something close to a story, an insight, a joke, a passing thought, a couple of times a week. If anything, I should have that much more to say.

What bothers me most is that while I haven't been posting, I've been tweeting away at the exact same rate as I ever have (as you can see just to your left in ye olde sidebar). I've definitely used twitter as a crutch, which is ridiculous because twitter sucks now anyway (SuperNews, you're really outdoing yourselves).

I guess I'll close for now with a story I've been meaning to tell for too long. Two weeks ago I was on my way to play volleyball for (soon to be ZogSports' first ever Schportng Sampler champions) team Purple Haze when I had a little bogus celebrity moment. My schporting activities are a different post entirely, but I got you, don't worry.

So I'm walking down 53rd St, and I realize I'm going to need some H20 for the game. I follow what looks to be a father/son duo - a pair of slightly portly fellows wearing matching 5k race shirts and looking like they could use some hydration themselves - into the first storefront I pass. Glancing inside I can see a deli counter and a fridge with cold beverages. Perfect.

I don't even realize I'm in Hello Deli until I go to reach for my water and I have to excuse myself around a photo op with Dad and the one and only Rupert Jee. Now, being a bit of a big deal myself, I'm not at all thrown by the sight of one of New York's most beloved late show punch lines. The Dad in the 5k race t-shirt, however, is awestruck, thanking Rupert and telling him, "I've been in here before, but you weren't around." Grabbing two Poland Springs out of the fridge, I can't help but overhear Rupert's response:

"Hey, man, I gotta work."

And I smile.

UPDATE: Wow, this is why I love the internet. A Google image search for Rupert Jee reveals a pretty damn accurate approximation of the exact photo op moment I accidentally walked into. Only difference is instead of me grabbing bottles of water in the background, there appears to be a sweat-soaked Kevin Youkilis struggling to interpret the directions on his beverage.

Oh, and one last thing. Looks like that Countdown to Bonnaroo really worked out. Riiiiight. So, about that -- the last countdown mention came with 65 days to go. As I type, we are exactly 30 days away froom the Big Rooskie.

Well you better learn to move fast when you're young or you're not long around
Cat somehow lost his Kitty down in the city pound
So get right, get tight, get down
Well who's that down at the end of the alley?
She's been gone so long

That's the LAST time we visit the Mexican petting zoo!

2009-04-29T12:11:00.002-04:00

'Stand By Me' performed by the world, FTW

2009-04-29T10:42:00.013-04:00

The world keeps getting smaller and smaller these days, and while that leads to things like killer pigs destroying humanity (or at least causing Asian people everywhere to break out their surgical masks and revive a little look I like to call "The Shredder"), it also leads to inspirational gems like this clip. Watch and smile--you won't see a better video any time soon (props to @Kramness).

Music P-P-Power

2009-04-28T21:48:00.008-04:00

Sometimes I miss Jurassic 5 a lot.

Meanwhile, some most excellent music afloat recently for you and I to listen on.

First, was just talking about this mixtape on the way back from CVille Sunday.
/sigh. why must I always have to come back? college, I miss you
Then wouldn't you know it? Most Bangin'est conveniently re-ups it on Monday.

Cudi is very representative of the generation gap emerging in rap. We heard about your gun for a long time, and now your old.

Next, Kanye's LVs and Autotune 2. I guess when he's not spending lonely nights in the frozen food aisle, the gay fish genius has some time to put together a fresh mixtape.

Saw it (where else but) Pigeons and Planes. Come to think of it, this was playing in the car while Grimace and I rode in the trunk on the way to the glorious Foxfield Races. It wasn't comfortable, but our plot was glad we were there to save the glass-bottled booze on the way in.

Finally, no Foxfield tie-in here, other than that both the races and this mixtape are a big W.
Courtesy of Rock Howard's tumblr (UPDATE: Direct link right here).

Hip-hop fans, meet The White Stripes.
Fans of The White Stripes, meet hip-hop.

— Adrian Champion

Goin Down To Foxfield Gonna Have Myself a Time [But first, we rock]

2009-04-24T11:22:00.006-04:00

Haven't posted in a week, and I'd be upset about it if it weren't another insanely beautiful Friday.

Once again, on days like this, you just gotta rock it, so here's Green Day's highly anticipated new video for "Know Your Enemy" to help us do so (P.S. Tour starts July 3 in Seattle. Won't you join me on July 27 for some punk rock fist pumping in the Big Apple?).

I'll be spending the weekend at the most wonderful party of the year, the highlight of any good Wahoo's spring, the always-glorious and debaucherous Foxfield Races. To the uninitiated, please be aware that there is no 'ssss' at the end. Foxfield. Period. For the most comprehensive guide ever assembled to this landmark event, consult the awesomeness that is cVillain's '08 preview (seriously, you don't want to miss the infamous Piss Trough). If you're looking for me among the crowd, I'll likely be found wandering somewhere between "Wastefest" and "Graduates O' Wastefest." Hit me up, we'll toast to the better times (and chase it down with a shot of ice cold water because holy balls it's gonna be hot).

Most accurate Foxfield map ever courtesy of cVillain.

Friday Moneymaker Shaker

2009-04-17T16:42:00.004-04:00

It's Friday, it's 5:00, the sun is shining and the Yankees win.

Glorious.

Only one thing left to do: Shake it.

Whether you're a pompous old geezer who gets way too much enjoyment out of silly puns or this little dude I spotted getting his groove on to some Beatles music in Strawberry Fields, the best way to celebrate feelin' alive is to shake what your mama gave ya.

The Dead Weather rock Bowery Ballroom [Jack White rules the universe]

2009-04-15T12:44:00.009-04:00

Last night at the Bowery Ballroom, I was lucky enough to be among the tightly packed crowd of about 600 for the public performance debut of Jack White's latest side project/"obj-band"/supergroup, The Dead Weather. For the uninitiated, the rock god of our generation is fronting yet another band these days, wherein he returns to his first love, the drum kit, and continues to rock your face with his trademark brand of dirty, buzzing, crackling blues rock. Joining him this time around are lead singer Allison Mossheart of The Kills, Raconteurs bassist "Little Jack" Lawrence, and Queens of the Stone Age's Dean Fertita on guitar and keys. But you knew all that. Let's get to the part you don't know about -- the actual concert -- because unlike this guy, you couldn't score tickets, which sold out in approximately 47 seconds.

As I mentioned, the crowd was packed into Bowery Ballroom as tightly as we could have been, and I leaned over to Smellson the Music Fairy and remarked on the uniqueness of the situation--600 of us had snatched up tickets instantly and crammed ourselves shoulder-to-shoulder for a band that 6 people not named Meg White have ever seen perform and won't release their first album until June. Who else but Jack White makes that happen? The excitement was clear from the moment the band sauntered onto the stage in their matching black leather, and we knew we were in for some good old fashioned greasy, grimy rockin'.

White is as capable a rocker on the drums as he is on the guitar, and although his kit was set far back and pretty low to the ground, he still found a way to remain the centerpiece of the experience (mostly by playing the shit out of those drums). Mossheart is the perfect lead singer for White's brand of music, and she ferociously grabbed the room by the balls with her stage-stomping, mic-grinding, chain smoking hotness. I was transfixed. I wanted to do dirty things to her while listening to dirty Dead Weather music (which she would of course be singing). During one stretch, she rocked out on a Bo Diddley-style box guitar. Later, on "Will There Be Enough Water," Jack finally grabbed the axe and shredded, like we all not-so-secretly had hoped he would.

To echo the Rolling Stone article, it didn't feel like we were watching a "new" band. It was clear that this crew had practiced together, as it was clear that this was Jack White music. Without knowing any of the songs, I found myself rocking out hard throughout. When they finally got to the one song I did know, "Hang You From The Heavens," I whipped out the digicam and did some of my finest concert camerawork to date, embedded below for your face-melting pleasure.

Another great show in the books, which brings us to Humpday. The Yankees play at 4, which is cool, because that means the last few hours of the workday will sail by as Wailin Suzyn and John "Puns are Fun" Sterling bring me the play-by-play from Tampa. Or is it St. Pete? Or Tampa-St. Pete? Whatever. I'll be watching the game with a bunch of Fackers, so if you want to talk shit with me, head on over here.

Dead Weather links for those who weren't steeped in awesomeness last night:

Jack White's Dead Weather Debut With A Bang in New York [Rolling Stone]
THE PERFECT STORM: S/T Corners The Dead Weather for One of Their First Full-Band Interviews [Self-Titled]
The Dead Weather @ Bowery Ballroom, NYC - pics, video [BrooklynVegan] (Featuring videos daringly captured by twitterfave @kibbe--now available in real life!)
The Dead Weather [Official Site]

HBO renews Eastbound and Down! [wherein I get exactly what I wanted]

2009-04-08T13:25:00.005-04:00

From the most appropriate source I can think of to bring forth some great news in a day that has already been chock full of WIN, NJ.com reports that HBO has renewed Eastbound and Down. You just can't stop a bulletproof tiger. FUCKINAY RIGHT! KENNY POWERS IS BACK! This is most pleasing news and welcome relief for yours truly and at least one fan of this here blog.

LOS ANGELES, April 8, 2009 - HBO has renewed the comedy series EASTBOUND & DOWN for a second season, it was announced today by Michael Lombardo, president, Programming Group and West Coast Operations, HBO. Production on the new episodes will begin later this year, with debut slated for 2010.

For the full press release, click here. For hilarity, watch below.

If you won't listen to my words, then listen to my dancing feet....Work, drugs.

Opening Day is for everyone [the one with dinosaurs!]

2009-04-06T20:39:00.008-04:00

Another Opening Day is in the books, and although the Yankees really let me down, it was still by any measure another fun and festive Opening Day. My favorite part was that it was chock full of baseball related goodness completely unrelated to anything happening on a field today.

First up, a bunch of fackin' hippies are going to kick off Phish's tour at Fenway. Thankfully, I'll be in Canada when this happens, so I won't even have to consider attending. Yes, we've established that I enjoy my Phish music, but if you've ever experienced the sardine-can seating at Fenway or stood next to a hippie you can imagine the olfactory misery that will ensue on May 31. If I have to say anything nice about it, the promo video for the concert on Phish.com is fan-fackin-tastic. In fact, these videos have been somewhat of a Phish 3.0 revelation. You may recall that the last such clip, announcing the band's late summer tour, eventually led us to the Fagot Farm in Georgetown, TX. I'll get you linked up to the rest of those vids at the bottom of this post, but I'm getting away from my intended point, which is that today's concert announcement gave me occasion to revisit what is widely recognized* as the greatest musical moment ever at Fenway Park. It had to be, because I witnessed it firsthand during my only visit to see the Green Monstah.
(*not recognized by anyone)

It happened during an annual summer baseball stadium pilgrimage. In 2007, the destination city was Boston, and our crew unsuspectingly -- and drunkenly -- stumbled into a moment that really was beyond description. I know that's a corny way to set up the clip, but it's true! And that's saying nothing of the fact that my memories of these baseball trips are often wobbly at best.

The second bit of opening day fun that happened today was a shout-out from Deadspin. This comes as no surprise, of course, given that we're famouser than Captain Kangaroo around here, but it made me happy that the internet got to enjoy one of my favorite road trip moments, the T-Rex first pitch. Going into Chicago/Milwaukee 2008, we weren't sure anything could top the previous summer's national anthem moment. Little did we know we were about to witness a Ceremonial First Pitch Fail 65 million years in the making.

I was stunned to see this linked on Deadspin personally, because it is in fact Schiff Happens original footage. My 2 favorite comments were Hurdleguy04 on YouTube mocking Wurm's cackle, and Buccos on Deadspin being spot-on hilarious.

So there, I'm totally capable of doing an Opening Day post that everyone can enjoy. And I didn't even gripe about the fackin Yankees (I let Jay take care of that).

Now let the UNC rout continue for one more half so that I can win some money and the ACC can once again dominate the Big 10. If only my overrating of the ACC overall hadn't let me down in the first 2 rounds, I might be able to do better than second place. And yes, I really picked UNC over Michigan State in the final and still can't win my pool.

In other words, Happy Opening Day, Happy Spring, welcome back Baseball.

Phish 3.0 tour announcement videos:
Late Summer 2009
Summer 2009
Hampton
Bonnaroo (only sort of related, but come on, it's been a while since I mentioned it. Speaking of which, you're still invited--65 days!).

The Lake Elsinore Storm and Subtle Butt have your ass covered

2009-04-01T11:26:00.008-04:00

Sadly, this is not an April Fools joke, but an actual press release about an (incomprehensibly) actual promotion at an actual minor league baseball stadium. Yes, Minor League Baseball is sort of built on sideshows and silly, pointless promotions, but trust me when I say you have never seen anything like the latest giveaway from the Lake Elsinore Storm,* which promises to help control your problems with "gas emissions" no less than 5 times. Why don't you just go ahead and read the thing? Even a mind as demented as mine couldn't have possibly made this up.

The Lake Elsinore Storm Baseball Team
P.O. Box 535 Lake Elsinore, CA 92531
Class A Affiliate of the San Diego Padres

Storm Teams Up With Subtle Butt

To Combat Fat Tuesday Gas Emissions

LAKE ELSINORE, CA– Do you have a problem with gas emissions in the world today? Well the Storm want to help. Every Tuesday home game at The Diamond in Lake Elsinore, gas emissions and the economy will not be a problem.

As some of you might know, last season the Lake Elsinore Storm ran a Fat Tuesday promotion, which included an All-U-Can-Eat buffet in the left field Tiki Terrace for $13. However, this season the Fat Tuesday promotion is ballpark-wide. Every Tuesday ticket will cost $13 and include an All-U-Can-Eat menu available at every concession stand, with Tuesday, June 23 being the only exception.

You can probably deduce that All-U-Can-Eat ballpark food might lead to substantial gas emissions, which is where corporate sponsor, Subtle Butt, enters the picture. Made of activated carbon fabric, each disposable 3.25” square shield is held onto the inside of underwear with two self-adhesive strips. Subtle Butt effectively filters flatulence, absorbing and neutralizing its odor. “I am confident that this will help fans get through the Seventh-Inning Stench,” says Kim Leone Olenicoff, President of Irvine-based The Pond Inc., maker of Subtle Butt. “And I’m not only the President, but a satisfied customer.”

The first 250 fans each Tuesday will receive a free product sample of Subtle Butt, providing relief both for the environment and for the noses of those around them. Fans can enjoy all their favorite ballpark food (hot dogs, hamburgers, pizza, french fries and popcorn) and not worry about clearing out their section with untimely smells. “This will really help people out,” said Storm Assistant General Manager Allan Benavides. “I know personally when I eat all that I can, I have problems with gas emissions.”

The Storm front office members were used as guinea pigs to test the small patch in the off-season, and well, it works. Wives, friends and girlfriends are overjoyed at the relief Subtle Butt has brought them, and they hope that everyone else will feel the same.

For more information or to order Fat Tuesday tickets call the Storm Box Office at 951-245-4487 or visit stormbaseball.com.

Really, Lake Elsinore Storm? REALLY?

This press release leaves me with so many more questions than answers. Who the hell decided that the Storm needed an entire promotion built around a fart joke? And a season-long promotion at that! Does the All-U-Can-Eat really have to apply to EVERY concession stand? Did David Wells recently sign with the Storm? I was not aware of this transaction. And oh, by the way, just how in the bloody hell do you even find out about a product like this?

And hey, you there with the Odor Eater pad shoved up your ass! Yea, you, Allan Benavides. I assume you aspire to bigger things than your current post as Assistant GM for the Class A Lake Elsinore Storm. Obviously, then, you'd want to go on the record about your "Problems with gas emissions." This makes sense.

The front office staff were the guinea pigs? So did they lock all the windows and doors to the conference room and just stand around letting it rip? Would you not immediately quit your job on the spot if your boss asked you to insert a fart-soaking maxi pad between your cheeks? And why the eff is it called Subtle Butt? To Kim Leone Olenicoff and the other brilliant minds over at The Pond, Inc.: You could not have possibly chosen a less subtle name for your product. The very notion of it defies subtlety -- your entire product pitch is based on the fact that farts smell!

I am absolutely convinced that the Snuggie people are behind this. Who else could have managed to create an insanely useless product that is offensive to all five of my senses?

Wait, what? Oh... oh god... Oh good god no! There's a commercial!

This looks like something Trey Parker and Matt Stone came up with during a week-long acid binge, or the outtakes from a Brazilian fart porn. Either way there is no way you could ever watch that and want to try the Subtle Butt, let alone hope to receive one as a free ballpark giveaway. And let's not forget that Minor League Baseball is marketed heavily towards families. Do you really want your kid thinking he has a free gas pass to just toot away as loud and long as he pleases? The Lake Elsinore Storm: Destroying America's youth one fart odor-neutralizing butthole sticker at a time.

Ugh.

No no no no no. Just no.

Oh, and one more thing...... No, seriously, it's not an April Fools. I know. I wish it were, too.

*Despite their inexplicable association with Subtle Butt, I have to stand up for the Storm for just one second to acknowledge that they may very well have the best hats in all of Minor League ball.

Asher Roth "Lark On My Go-Kart" Video [Wherein Asher is the Blond Bob Saget]

2009-03-31T17:21:00.007-04:00

Props to The Chad for putting me on to this video. I feel like I can relate to this young fella because I'm also a dork who still holds court. Well, that and I'm king of the blumpkins. Nooch.

Razor Ramon flow oh so sharp
You can take Kapowski, I'ma take Lark on my go-kart.

No Texas festival for Phish, says Fagot farmer

2009-03-30T08:16:00.005-04:00

Watch as a local news anchor introduces this story, describing how a video on Phish's official site went viral and created rumors of a late summer festival on a Georgetown, Texas farm. Then watch as the ensuing story, starring an unfortunately named farmer with a sweet mullet who confirms that there is no chance of Phish holding a summer-ending festival on his property, seems itself to have been scripted for viral glory. Small-town irony, gotta love it.

Fans tracked down the Fagot farm from his promotional video posted on the band’s web site.

This types of Schiff Happens...not to suck

2009-03-27T19:02:00.005-04:00

All kinds of stupid shit sucks, but here is some of the stuff that positively did not suck this week. If you're not on the list, try to do better on Monday.

[You're fuckin out!] Eastbound and Down ended its first season, which was the farthest thing from suck on TV in a long time. The show needs a second season to fully run its course, so here's to the glorious return of Kenny Powers (that week, whenever it happens, will also not suck). Something that kind of sucked was the end of Flight of the Conchords for what, in my opinion, will be forever (until they make a movie, which will definitely not suck). I'm glad I was on board for the entire run of this show, and will miss them when they're farming in England or whatever.

[They Took 'er Jobs!] This week's South Park was, I thought, the best it has been in a while. It certainly did not suck. I blogged about it a little for Pink Slipped, and I'm too lazy to get into many details right now. All I'll say is South Park solved the economy--it still doesn't make any sense. That and, "They took our jobs!" This was my favorite scene.

[Teaching Shaq To Twitter] I can only assume I'm not the only one of Shaq's 430,000something followers who crossed over to the Twitterverse to learn from its most Shaqtastic big man. Naturally I have incredible respect for Kathleen Hessert, founder and president of Sports Media Challenge, but most importantly "The woman who taught Shaq how to Tweet." From the bottom of my heart, Kathleen Hessert, thank you. Without you, there would be no games of twag, insomniac bathroom breaks, or gems like this from the Big Aristotle. Our lives are forever richer for it.

[It's Funny Because It's Twue] Speaking of twitter, this cartoon also helped fill our week with something other than suck. That fail whale is one scary fish. Mammal, whatever.
(It's actually so on point that it hurts a little bit if you twitter. Which...some of us do...)

[Fists Full of Childhood Awesome] The only thing that sucks about this item is that I'm the last person to post it. But let's not have such a sucky attitude about it. You've already seen the Where The Wild Things Are trailer, but you haven't seen it here yet, and you know you're going to watch it every time you see it somewhere for the first time because this trailer is effing beyond. It's just beyond. Maybe the best children's story ever, directed by Spike Jonze, beautiful footage edited seamlessly to Arcade Fire's "Wake Up." For real for real--can I coin #WTWTAFTW ??
I'll tell you this much right now: Schiff Happens birthday party = Where The Wild Things Are.
(I'll be psyched for this at 26, which speaks to what a masterpiece Maurice Sendak's book is. But imagine if I were turning plain old 6 in October. BEST birthday party EVERRR!)

[Winner] Flying sucks. Flying with this guy doing the safety announcement sucks a whole lot less. Well done, sir.

And this has been stuff that didn't suck this week. You know what's not making next week's cut? This post. Schiff, out.

Bonnaroo comedians and artist additions [For me to poop on!]

2009-03-25T22:45:00.009-04:00

If you haven't visited this spot in a minute -- and judging by the attendance, you haven't! -- you may not know that I have been whining for several days now that Bonnaroo needs to announce their comedy lineup, and specifically that Flight of the Conchords should be amongst said lineup. I could have saved myself the trouble by simply checking the Bonnaroo site and seeing that they were there in 2007, and even as I was whining I knew an email/announcement would come today, but I got indignant about it anyway and so I felt extra psyched when I saw this update on the Bonnaroo site earlier:

We are proud to announce several additional artists for the 2009 event, rounding out an already stellar lineup. Festival producers, Superfly Presents and A.C. Entertainment are also proud to announce another incredible lineup of today's top comedians!

Public Enemy
Ani DiFranco
Amadou & Mariam
Shadows Fall
Heartless Bastards
Tony Rice Unit
High On Fire
Passion Pit
Dillinger Escape Plan
Wailing Souls
The Itals
MURS
White Rabbits
Janelle Monáe
Hockey
Pretty Lights

We are also proud to feature a dynamic host of national headlining comics in its ever-popular seated, air-conditioned comedy venue, “The Comedy Sweet,” presented by Butterfinger.

Jimmy Fallon
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog Presents Bonnapoo 2009
An Evening (or Afternoon) with the Daily Show featuring John Oliver & Rob Riggle
Michael Ian Black & Michael Showalter
Aziz Ansari
Kristen Schaal
Arj Barker
Todd Barry
Rory Albanese
Wayne Federman
Nick Thune
Nick Kroll
Kurt Braunohler
Amy Schumer
Kumail Nanjiani
Pete Homes

I'll get to music in a minute, but I have to say a little something on comedy first. Comedy at Bonnaroo has definitely come along way since it was first added in 2005. Coincidentally, that was also my first (and only) Bonnaroo experience, and my lone memory of the comedy tent is tweaking and running away because the opening comic's 5-minute bit of nothing but fart noises was just not making nice time with the happy place my mind was in. I never did see Charlie Murphy's act, which I regret to this day every time I crack up at his impeccable performances.

That was a long time ago, though. Bonnaroo has done such an excellent job incorporating comedy into the festival scape, that the comedy card is now almost as much anticipated as the music lineup. And despite my impatience and aforementioned whining, this year's comedy slate (air-conditioned comedy slate!) is as good as any, in my opinion, for both its quirky variety and star power.

So I didn't exactly get my wish of Flight of the Conchords, but I got the Third Conchord (Todd Barry), Dave (Arj Barker) and the Fan base (Kristen Schaal). For reals, Mel! Sweet, psychotic Mel! I love the Evening (or Afternoon) with the Daily show and the late night war at the top of the bill between Jimmy Fallon and longtime Conan favorite Triumph the Insult Dog. You may not like him on Late Night, but the Bonnaroo stage is one that Fallon should be able to own. Will ?uestlove and the Roots crew appear to help him slow jam the news? Smellson, any rumors? And what about Triumph? BonnaPOO--genius! Who saw that coming? The abundance of Springsteen's New Jersey fans should give Triumph a chance to revisit one of his funnier moments of all time, embedded for your delight below as a reminder that we stand a mere 77 days from Bonnaroo.

Thanks to Wednesday's artist additions, the list of words and phrases I will spend all of Bonnaroo weekend screaming has grown from "BRUUUUCE," "BEEEee-eaAAT....DROP!" and "CACTUS!!" to now include "FOR ME TO POOP ON!" and... ::sits down, takes deep breath::

FLAVA FLAAAAAAVVV!

Public Enemy, bitches! This year's 'Roo lineup already had me all in, but the chance to see your boy Flav live and in person is one of those artist additions that just puts a festival over the top. Winner.

Though there are other artists among the additions that make Bonnaroo extra awesome, Public Enemy is the biggest deal to me personally. I cannot wait to witness Chuck D's powerful flow and Flava Flav's batshit crazy, creeper status antics live on stage. I really can't think of a better venue for a Public Enemy set than a 90,000 person festival.

If I wasn't hyped enough for Bonnaroo, they go and bring out the greatest hype man there ever was. Now if we could only find Elliott a slot on one of the small stages and reunite these two great showmen...

I think I just blew my own mind.

Sean Singletary still matters, even if the Hoos still suck

2009-03-24T22:20:00.005-04:00

Much like the time I had to defend Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey, to a couple of guys who claim to be from New Jersey, on Friday night I had to defend the greatest Hoo ever to a guy I was once proud to call a fellow alumnus.

I can only attribute this to the fact that he was wasted and had just finished watching a crazy end to the first round of another NCAA Tourney bereft of our beloved UVA. It wears on you when your alma mater is mired in mediocrity, but not so long ago there were good times, of which the Rossman and I vociferously tried to remind this Wahoo wannabe. Times when a man wearing number 44 roamed the backcourt and willed the Cavaliers to glory time and time again. "That team was good!" we protested. "He was All-ACC First Team three times!" we shouted. But it felt like our former friend didn't want to hear any of it, as if all the losing and lack of direction had worn him down to the point of apathy.

After completing one of our worst seasons in recent memory and firing our head coach, those times really do feel like glory days of long ago, and I'll admit that it makes me start to wonder if things will ever turn around for the Hoos. And this is sad, because as trivial, or "jocular" like our current University President likes to say, as you think sports may be, one should never have to speculate (as Rich and I sadly did Friday night, if only for a moment) whether he will live to see his favorite sports team win a championship (or in the college hoops scheme, make a Final Four run). Sadly, right now, I'd be happy just to be still watching Wahoo basketball, even if it meant we were stuck in some meaningless, you weren't even average enough to make the NIT, consolation tournament.

I just really want to believe that it's worth it to stick with my Hoos. I wouldn't give up, but I don't view it as a choice. To me, being an alum, is akin to being married -- you're stuck in unquestioning loyalty for life. UVA will always have my love and support, but I need to know that Sean Singletary mattered, that what he achieved won't flame out for nothing and future generations of Wahoos won't be mired in the same old mediocrity.

And what do you think I found to restore my faith? That's right, the commentary of a self-righteous, obnoxious, inflammatory and 86% hilarious sports blog. Imagine how reaffirming it must be to Bradley fans everywhere to see the headline "CIT Tournament Not Completely Useless." "Because the most-thrilling endings only happen in games that aren't televised," snarkitizes Dashiell Bennett. Lofty words. True words.

Words that reminded me of another one of the greatest college hoops moments you never saw, another reason why it still matters--another reason to keep blind faith alive: The time when Sean Singletary scored 6 points in 23 seconds to put the Cavaliers into the semifinals of the innaugural College Basketball Invitational. That's right, the CBI. This happened, my friends. May you, and I, and drunken UVA alums who have forgotten what a man Sean Singletary was never forget it. Hold onto your regular boring old shoes (as opposed to the dancin' variety), because you're about to witness a great moment in pointless, made up postseason college basketball tournaments!

Flight of the Conchords, Easbound and Down end, one maybe forever? [the one without music, kind of]

2009-03-23T18:09:00.010-04:00

Even as I watched last night, I knew that Flight of the Conchords might be coming to an end (SPOILER ALERT...damn I hate that "spoiler alert" bullshit. Am I really spoiling anything? You're gonna watch it or not regardless. Bah, anyway). I dutifully watched on, and I have to say that if their tale ends where it started -- as two lonely deadbeat shepherds, tending their flock in the New Zealand countryside with nothing but the music inside to guide them -- then godspeed, Conchords. I will miss them if they're gone, but I consider my life enriched for having joined them for their short time on my HBO.

The (potential) ending of Flight of the Conchords... forever (reviewed here). <---That would be the previously alerted spoiler. I claimed lack of funds when tickets for their Radio City shows went on sale, and now that we may have said our final goodbye to HBO Conchords, I'm kind of wishing I were going to see Live Conchords in April. I haven't received an email from Bonnaroo in about a week, and they still haven't announced any comedy acts, so this will be my Bonnaroo mention for the day (no artist countdown today. Schiff Happens may have been a musical collection back in the day, but I don't want anyone to feel like they can't come here and read something without me telling them what music to listen to). It's something I've said before, but since this could be the last time I see New Zealand's fourth most popular folk comedy duo, I must say it again. Bonnaroo, do the right thing and get Brett and Jemaine on the comedy stage. The fanbase will definitely show up.

If Flight of the Conchords is indeed over, then I hope that its end means the beginning of what I want to believe will be a great comedy series, Eastbound and Down. After spending this entire first season trying to get behind the notion that the down on his luck, sack of shit, John Rocker-inspired Kenny Powers could actually redeem himself, we find out that the lowest depths of his loserdom are yet to come. I can't wait to see what kind of hell he's capable of raising when he's truly down. Plus, I gotsta see me some more of April Bigcannons (who by the way lost a bunch of weight by the end of the season. Way to go, Katy Mixon, you are indeed a babe--6:10 is the magic mark in the link, best YouTube has to offer). I'll be tuned in the next time that mullet rolls back into town.

Kenny Powers is a winner. He's a fucking bulletproof tiger. And that's why he'll be back on top, soon enough.

The best part of HBO, of course, is that there are no commercials. However, there are 2 commercials out right now that I will watch any day:

The McDonald's filet-o-fish commercial might have almost worn out its welcome during the first 2 rounds of the NCAA tournament, when it was on incessantly, but when great intellects from Wale to The Chad tell me they can't get enough of this, I'm forced to pay attention.

Tell me you haven't found yourself alone in your home, doing some mundane task, and without warning letting out a rendition of that time-honored hook. "Give me that fiiiish!"

Next, my childhood hero has been reduced to a chocolate-shilling, slightly doughier version of his former self, but Patrick acts the same way he played -- with the heart of a warrior. "What's up, Ryan?" That's how you dominate.

How can you not love the center, at seven feet from Georgetown, throwing it down in full knee pads?

The one where I see David Byrne's Big Suit

2009-03-22T22:13:00.005-04:00

Great day for Los Schiffs Saturday. Baby bro turned 16, which just blows my mind. He got a classic 16th birthday present: his first electric guitar. Both middle bro and I got a visit from the Papa Schiff Chuck Wagon, and the whole family roadshow kept it rockin with a visit to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Annex in Soho.

I've visited the Rock Hall in Cleveland, but never the one on Mercer Street, despite the fact that I have walked past the Annex many times on my way to and from work. It was a fun little space with many great artifacts to look at. The tour is accompanied by a headset which reacts to sensors around the museum exibits and plays songs by the artists you're looking at. My favorites, not necessarily in order:

1. Bruce Springsteen's '57 Chevy, purchased in 1975 for $2000
2. Johnny Cash's spangled n' studded black leather cowboy boots
3. Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel's letters to each other from Camp Lake Vu in New Brunswick, NJ.
4. John Lennon's piano (with "Imagine" playing in the headphones. I stood and stared, dumbfounded, at this for several minutes)
5. THE BIG SUIT!!

Stop Making Sense is probably my all-time favorite concert movie. I was mesmerized by it from the opening strains of "Psycho Killer" and dove face-first into the Talking Heads immediately after the final notes of "Crosseyed and Painless." It was an incredible joy to turn around a corner at the Annex and see David Byrne bending and bouncing around as the movie played on what I thought was just a big screen embedded in the Talking Heads exhibit. But my heart truly went aflutter when the image of the film faded to reveal behind a glass window... the suit!

During said Talking Heads obsession, I developed a pretty mean David Byrne impression and eventually developed a not so secret desire to dance around in the big suit and bust out "Girlfriend Is Better." Mr. Byrne himself will be performing a set at Bonnaroo this year, and though I wouldn't dare try to upstage him by wearing his iconic outfit to his set, there's another artist on the bill who welcomes and encourages costumed audience members. Bonnaroo just keeps giving me more and more signs that this is the year I must return.

I admit that I definitely need to brush up on Byrne's solo work, and I'm excited to get into it. That being said, he's bound to bust out a few choice Heads jams, and I'll cheer loudly. Hey solo David Byrne, what do you think of Big Suit David Byrne? I'd like to write a song about hairdos...

I said it last Sunday, and I'll say it now since the season (series?) finale just wrapped up not too long ago. Flight of the Conchords need to stage their hit B'way show at B'roo. Hippies won't care if you're illegal immigrants -- they have their own priors to worry about.

Also, open of tonight's Eastbound & Down finale, FTW!!

All this spring makes me feel like partying

2009-03-21T12:33:00.005-04:00

Wow, looks like I'm doing a real bang-up job of that whole not skipping days in the Bonnaroo countdown thing. I'm gonna have to start doing what I should have been doing all along, which is writing like 12 of these at a time and just letting them post, automated style. I kind of enjoy adding artists based on what I'm feeling at the moment, or relevant stories, but that's obviously not going to make for a very effective countdown. I'll find the balance. For now, it's the weekend, the weather is gorgeous and snow-free, and the fam is headed into town for baby bro's big 16th birthday celebration. All this awesomeness makes me wanna party.

(Cue Bonnaroo artist Paul Oakenfold... uuntz uuntz uuntz uuntz)

I kinda feel like partying right now.

As you may already be aware, Paul Oakenfold is a legendary DJ/remixer. He has sold millions of albums and hosted epic shows all over the world, from Ibiza to the Great Wall of China. You've heard more of his work than you probably even realize. If you don't know who he is, I really don't know what to tell you. Go to his official site or, I don't know, just put on the freakin radio, you're bound to hear some Oakenfold at some point.

Oakenfold's Bonnaroo set is destined to be a late night banger. With 80,000 screaming hippies, fist-pumpers and rednecks, it's gonna be some kind of rowdy. For now there are still 81 days until we find out if I packed my Party Boy outfit with my 'Roo gear. And if that image offends you, I'll apologize, but I won't take off my glasses. They're effin famous.

And that's how you party.

Ticketmaster hates Phish fans [Another Epic Fail]

2009-03-19T15:07:00.011-04:00

Well, it happened. Luckily, nobody but a couple of fackers and, according to the stats, no less than seven of their lovable lady friends noticed it, but yesterday was the first flat tire along the Schiff Happens road to Bonnaroo. Yes, friends, I skipped a day on the Bonnaroo countdown.

I have no excuse for this egregious error, but here are some potentially reasonable explanations as to why this happened:

I have an actual job with actual work to do that doesn't involve sarcastic riffs on Philly sucking, the biggest loser in the history of reality television, or mustaches.
I spent a few hours back at the doctor's office, including a subway voyage from work to the Upper East Side that was a pile of fail at every turn for absolutely no reason. On the plus side, I received a clean bill of health and was able to conclude my 24 hour Holter experiment, which ended with the same nurse who had hooked me up to the device on Tuesday violently ripping electrodes off of my torso and saying, "I told you it was gonna hurt." Of course, she saved the lone electrode that was deeply embedded in chest hair (the rest were on the sides of my abdomen) for last, building the nervous anticipation for my unplanned partial chest waxing. I may or may not have exclaimed "IAMSPARTACUS!" at the moment of detachment.
I participated in the latest chapter of "How to Lose Friends and Alienate People," authored by the friendly scalpers at Ticketmaster. I smell a story....

Around 8:30 last night, Ticketmaster released a bunch of 4-day passes for Phish's just-announced late July/early August run at Morrison, Colorado's renowned Red Rocks Amphitheatre. It will be Phish's first shows at Red Rocks since their infamous 1996 visit, and tickets don't go on sale to the general public until next Thursday (Umm, I mean next Friday. Yes... next Friday...). The pre-sale lottery registration isn't even complete yet, so this gives you an idea of just how random it was that these tickets -- and 4-day passes for the entire event, no less -- would have been released at 8:29 last night. I found out about this the same way I find out about anything worth finding out about -- Twitter (shameless follow me plug).

As soon as I saw this was happening, I went into frenzy mode. I @replied to a Twitter user called @imtrappedintime, the first person I saw tweet about the secretly released tickets. Feeling like I was working within an extremely limited time window, I eschewed the phone and instead instant messaged anyone I could find online who might care. I navigated the Ticketmaster site and, to my amazement, broke through to an order page. I actually backed out, with tickets in hand, out of sheer disbelief. I was able to get through a second time (nothing short of a miracle if you recall what happened the last time Phish tickets went on sale), and was staring at a 4-day, General Admission pass to what will no doubt be the jewel of the late summer tour. At this point, I am simultaneously having two separate IM conversations that both look something like this:

ZOMGPHISHPASSESONSALEWTF?!?! What do we do? Do we buy them? Are we even going to go? Is this real? WTF is going on? Should I click submit? I'm gonna click submit. Did you submit? What do I do what do I do WHATDOIDO I'MFREAKINOUT!!!

I don't know what came over me, but once my UVA fraternity buddy said he had submitted his request, I had to do it. Spontaneous $200 purchases for events that are months away and will be taking place across the country generally do not show up anywhere in the Schiff Happens playbook. It's just not something I do. But I did it. And then I waited....

I waited instead of celebrating, mostly because even after I saw that my order had gone through, I found it impossible to believe that any of what had just transpired was real. How had it happened? Was there a friendly fan working for Ticketmaster? Was it a planned move by the band to thwart second-party scalpers (this was a prevailing rumor immediately after the tickets became unavailable again)? Was it simply a glitch that would inevitably be heartbreakingly corrected? There was no way to know for sure, and thus no way to be anything but cautiously optimistic. At least not for a couple of minutes, until, sure enough, I got the confirmation email. Then the payment hold on my online checking account statement. Holy shit, it was really happening. I scored the motherlovin golden ticket!

And then, a few short hours later, I met Slugworth in a back alley, and he buttfucked that golden ticket right out of my hands. In an epic case of, "I never should have gotten my hopes up because it was always too good to be true," Ticketmaster declared that the tickets had been released in error, and that all orders would be canceled.

Now, Ticketmaster is apparently within their rights to do this in the event of this kind of unintended premature sale, as their terms of service (which I am quite aware that I agreed to simply by clicking "Submit Purchase") state. However, in light of the aforementioned LiveNation disaster, the controversy surrounding the Ticketmaster/LiveNation merger, and recent condemnation of their shady practices from influential artists like Trent Reznor and Bruce Springsteen (throw a fist!), I can't help but think of all the great PR Ticketmaster would have received if they had simply decided to let the purchases stand. They could have said, "We effed ourselves a little bit, but scores of loyal fans got tickets, and that's ultimately what Ticketmaster is here to provide." Instead, they bent us all over and stole our Everlasting Gobstoppers. Again. As usual.

It stings to have the Golden Ticket in hand momentarily only to see it ripped away, but in the end, I'm no worse off right now than I was when I woke up yesterday. I've put in my official lottery request, and I'll be damned if I'm not due to win one of these things. I'm remaining optimistic, but my experience last night taught me that I'll always have to be prepared to be let down as long as Ticketmaster/LiveNation is the only way for me to procure the tickets necessary to go see the live music that I love so much.

The point, dear reader, is that I got wrapped up in other things and lost sight of my goal -- those Bonnaroo festival gates, miles from sight, inviting me to join the summer's biggest party. However, there's no reason to fret. We've still got our spot in line and will continue to count it down from here on out. In light of this most recent Ticketmaster disaster, I think it's only right that we pick up the countdown with a little bit of Bonnaroo artist Nine Inch Nails. Between Mr. Reznor's aforementioned tirade against Ticketmaster, and the fact that several of Nine Inch Nails' albums -- The Downward Spiral, Further Down the Spiral, Pretty Hate Machine -- could be used to describe the company, it just makes sense. I've always been fascinated by NIN but a little bit too terrified to fully dive into their catalog, so I look forward to freaking the living piss out of myself as I prepare myself for their set at the 'Roo just 83 short days from today.*

UPDATE: Phish have issued their official response. Nothing really surprising there. The bigger update is that Ticketmaster sent me and the rest of the melancholoy Phishheads a letter explaining the situation, which included the following conciliatory paragraph:

In addition, we’d like to show our sincere regret for this error by providing you with a gift certificate in the amount of $50.00 that is redeemable for any purchase for tickets to qualifying events on Ticketmaster.com or through our call centers as long as your order was in accordance with our standard order guidelines. You should receive this gift certificate in the next two weeks.
We are sorry that we were not able to provide you with the tickets you ordered and hope that we will have the chance to serve you better in the future. We encourage you to visit Ticketmaster at the scheduled onsale for Phish at Red Rocks currently scheduled for Thursday March 26, 2009 at 12:00 pm MT.

So some small bit of good has come out of this... I guess. "We set you up for heartbreak -- oops, our bad -- but please enjoy this 50 dollars, which you can attempt to use next week as you inevitably get shut out of the same tickets you already had in your hand because we've sold them all to scalpers."

Fuck~~mylife~~ Ticketmaster.

*If you don't want your precious childhood memories corrupted forever, or if you hate to laugh, then don't watch Kermit the Frog's rendition of "Hurt."

The great tradition of Yankee Staches continues!

2009-03-18T09:47:00.004-04:00

I can't believe I was beaten at my own game by a bunch of dudes who spend their weekends chasing beat-up redneck wino tail and tormenting old ladies. Nevertheless, the most pinstriped player in Yankees history has apparently taken on the proud and storied role of "Yankee Player with a Sweet Stache."

So now when CC Sabathia gets called out of the dugout to tip his cap to the crowd, is that Lip Curtain Call? Long live the Yankee Stache!

Seriously can't believe you Fackers scooped me on a Yankee mustache story. I must be slipping.

CC Sastachia [Drunken defacers of property, or as they prefer to be known, Fack Youk]

I went to the doctor and came home wired to blow

2009-03-17T19:53:00.006-04:00

I went to the Doctor today. Just a checkup, and so far everything is looking good. Of course, I do have to go back for a follow-up tomorrow, because what would a good checkup be if it weren't a 2 day production?

The reason I have to go back is because I'm wearing an incredibly silly piece of equipment called an ambulatory electrocardiography device. For those of you who don't habla Espanol, that's doctor for "Holter monitor." I currently look like the Matrix just gave birth to a suicide bomber. In fact, my Doctor's only instructions were, "Don't get it wet, and don't go near any airports." Yikes. I have to assume there is precedent for both.

The dumbest part about this scenario is that there's nothing wrong with me. The Doc actually marveled at the health of my heart -- apparently a seated heart rate of 47 is Lance Armstrong outstanding -- and asked if I run marathons. Life ain't a track meet, Doc, you know this. "But Schiff," you might be saying, "if you're perfectly healthy, why are you strapped to a half dozen electrodes monitoring your heart's every flit and flutter?" Why, what a verbosely poignant question of you to ask. Allow me to explain.

The reason I am subjecting myself to this 24-hour human lab test is because way back in the fall of 2008 I was battling random bouts of lightheadedness that would come and go without warning or accompanying systems. I took all the requisite test at my hometown doctor in Jersey and of course came through with flying colors. I'm the marathon man, remember? However, in the spirit of being thorough, my doctor suggested that I wear one of these things for 24 hours, just to see if anything comes up. I sat on that suggestion for the next 5 months, until the Doctor today gave me his glowing review of my heart. "Interesting to hear you say that, because as a matter of fact, just a few months ago I was told that my heart needs to be monitored for 24 straight hours with an ungainly belt," I replied. "Well then, let's get you strapped in!" said Herr Doctor. You know what happened after that.

The thing that I find funny about all this is that while I know I'm in fine shape, because I have the Holter monitor on, I feel like I should be in pain. As though if I'm not in extreme discomfort, I'm wearing this thing all for nothing. Or because I, a fully healthy individual, am walking around looking like a human extension cord, some crusty old geezer with a legitimate arrhythmia is not receiving the sufficient care he needs. This of course makes no sense, but in my twisted mind it stands to reason that if I'm recording every heartbeat for 24 hours, it should be because I'm experiencing some discomfort worse than the tugging of the electrodes on my chest hair (not that this isn't excessively annoying).

One final note on the Holter monitor. After the nurse got me all outfitted, she handed me a little pamphlet with a chart and told me to jot down every single thing I do during the next 24 hours in detail. Here is a direct quote from the instructions:

"For anything you do during this procedure, sitting, eating, taking medication, walking, strenuous exercise, smoking, bowel movements, urinating, sexual intercourse, etc. . ."

Apparently a Holter monitor is also the most fun medical device ever invented. Considering that smoking, shitting, and sexing were all listed among the things you must record in detail if you do them while wearing the Holter, it seems logical to me that these activities and others like them are not discouraged at all, but rather quite noteworthy. And it is in that spirit that I will take to the streets tonight and pretend to give a shit about St. Patrick's Day with thousands of my best fake-Irish friends.

Speaking of which, we're gonna need a little drinking music. The Ting Tings aren't quite Irish, but they're from the UK, they're on Jimmy Fallon tonight and -- would you look at that -- they're on the bill for Bonnaroo 2009. You knew them before you knew you knew them. If you don't believe me, watch this iPod commercial (which probably burned a hole in your ears for months last year), then feast your ears on three of their bouncy pop singles that you probably know already without even realizing it. 85 days til the 'Roo!

Ting Tings

Walking in a central park [fresh air]

2009-03-16T21:25:00.012-04:00

Unless you've been suffering from short-term memory loss, you'll recall that I took myself on a walk around central park yesterday to awaken myself from hibernation a little bit. Upon emerging from my den, I immediately found myself involved in my first attempt at amateur bird-watching. I followed this little rascal down a path and got as close as I could to his perch.

Not a spectacular pic by any means, but not bad for a first attempt, I think.

I got to cross one more item off the Murray Hewitt Bandshell tour of New York City when I stopped to watch some kids lining up soccer shots at a goalie waiting on the stage of the Naumberg Bandshell. Scenes at Naumburg Bandshell were featured in Hair, I'm Not Rappaport, Breakfast at Tiffanys and Mighty Aphrodite. Are you listening, Jemaine?

This guy came over and jumped in for just one shot, and he made it count.

I believe this move is from the original Street Fighter arcade game.

Venturing on, I happened past this disturbing chalk drawing of some sort of squid-like creature that belongs the credits of Superbad.

If you look closely you'll see the phrase, "OH HAI!" beside the creature, which actually makes this monstrosity the elusive Giant LOLsquid.

As I came around a bend in the path, the mellow, acoustic ambiance of Bon Iver quickly gave way to Central Park Roller Soul Train. This part of the walking tour is best accompanied by a the mashup mastery of Bonnaroo artist Girl Talk. And there's your countdown, kids -- 86 days! Cheeky bastard.

Ironically, it takes years of practice to master this incredibly useless skill. But whatever keeps you dancin' man.

At the end of my trek I ultimately snapped what were probably the best pictures of the outing.

Congratulations, you've made it through Monday. The week is officially underway, which means the weekend can't be far off. Godspeed.

Monday Power Drive: Live Green Day Bootlegs

2009-03-16T11:49:00.010-04:00

Because every Monday inevitably requires a rockin power drive to push you through at some point, I had to share this awesome Green Day live bootleg, courtesy of TheFrontloader.com. I make sure to rock out to a little Green Day at some point every day, but even if you don't enjoy freaking out passers-by and fellow subway riders with angry scowls and wild headbanging while doing your best Billy Joe impression, it's still quite the joyride to hear them tear through a set of their power chord-driven, hard-charging millenial youth anthems.

Some time, long ago, when Blink-182 announced their reunion and Seth Green fans everywhere rejoiced, it was speculated that they'd be opening for Green Day on tour this summer. While it's probably too much to ask that both get added to the Bonnaroo bill (although I'll continue to hold out hope that at least one honors my request), the possibility of jumping up and down while pumping fists to Green Day under a summer sunset like I'm 13 again is more than sufficient consolation. Green Day's new album, "21st Century Breakdown," is due out May 15, and the title track has already leaked and subsequently been pulled off of countless blogs by Warner Brothers. This concert bootleg is my attempt at an apology for not giving you guys a chance to hear said track as soon as I did. I enjoyed it, but if you didn't get a chance to listen to it, please don't take my word for it, as Rolling Stone and many others will undoubtedly do a better job describing it than I can. For chrissakes, I'm a sarcastic amateur blogger, not a professional film and television actor.

Rock on, Schiff Happens. More music later as we continue the march... ~~of war!~~ to Bonnaroo.

Like a groundhog coming out of hibernation [bonnaroo countdown]

2009-03-15T22:16:00.004-04:00

Today was what March in New York is supposed to feel like. Balmy, but not cold, bluish, but not cloudless sky. A perfect day to begin to emerge from the long, frigid odyssey that is winter in the City with a brisk Sunday stroll through Central Park. My music of choice for the occasion was Bon Iver's For Emma, Forever Ago -- a fitting choice, given that it was composed during a three month hibernation in a remote cabin in Wisconsin.

Bon Iver is one of many new artists in this year's Bonnaroo lineup that I have heard great things about but haven't really gotten into yet. The abundance of artists fitting into this category is one of the things about the festy that I'm most excited about.

I'll be interested to see how he brings his sound to the stage, but for now I can definitely endorse it for people- and amateur bird-watching walks at the first real hint of spring.

Bon Iver -- For Emma, Forever Ago

Unrelated completely -- watching Flight of the Conchords makes me really hope that they end up on the Bonnaroo ticket as a comedy act. It makes too much sense for it not to happen. If they're already scheduled to play elsewhere that weekend, go ahead and let me know, but I don't believe they are.